


Finding North

by GoddessKissed



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-03-26 17:36:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 79,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13862586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoddessKissed/pseuds/GoddessKissed
Summary: Rhiannon (Rhi) MacReynolds’ whole world changed when her doctor uttered the words “you have cancer”.  Rhi begins the biggest fight of her life with her best friend, more like sister, Valerie (Val) standing beside her.  In the midst of the chaos, Rhi begins to fall for Astrid, but feels that she can’t begin anything until she beats cancer.  Astrid is the owner of The Coffee Shop and it seems it is hard to find time for a life outside her business.  Astrid and Rhi met over a year ago and have been skirting around where their friendship is going because both were too afraid to take the next steps.  Well, one was scared and the other just missed all the signs.  This is a story of how these three strong women fight for the life they have and the dreams they want.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this story for a while and I finally found the courage to post it online. The story will contain some dark moments, some moments that may trigger bad memories for other people, and for that I am sorry. However, it will also contain happy and funny moments as well along the way. I am my own beta, so all mistakes are mine. I do welcome any and all feedback. I would love to hear what you love, what you hate, and what I could do better. Thank you for taking the time to check out my story.
> 
> The breaks showing ************* are flashbacks. They are shown at the beginning and end of a flash back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There are flash backs in this chapter, which are done in Italics and separated by lines of **********. There are also descriptions of some violence and mention of death. Just in case these are triggers for people.

 

**V** **al**

          I slowly walked down the hall, toward my destination.  My steps were slow and intentional.  Anytime that I went to go check on Rhi, I always hesitated.  I had to make sure I was emotionally in-check and ready for anything that came my way.  Today was going to be trying, but not as trying as the next few weeks.  Luckily, I have a job that can be worked remotely and an understanding husband that won’t mind that I’m gone for a few months.  I slowly came to the door and stopped to listen.  I could hear her pacing in the room.  Well, at least there wasn’t any cussing or things randomly flying through the door.  Rhi, it is what most of her friends call her, is a unique individual that doesn’t know what she means to those around her.  She is always helping others and often will go out of her way, or comfort zone, if it means that someone else’s life is better.  It is more than just being kind.  Rhi is this force of nature that I can’t begin to describe and we’ve known each other since we were children.  I watched several classmates, and friends, that used to be kind and helpful as younger children, but as they grew they became jerks.  Not Rhi.  Yeah, she went through some growing pains and was a little troubled as a teen, but with her family it was remarkable how well she was put together.

           I poked my head around the corner of the door frame and immediately found Rhi still pacing the floor.  I silently moved to push my shoulder against the door frame and watched with amusement as Rhi continued to broadcast her nervousness.  Rhi had on her usual kahki/tan cargo shorts and a new v-neck t-shirt.  I liked the new shirt.  It was different for her.  Normally, she’d throw on some sports team, super hero, or regular t-shirt and call it a good day.  Rhi’s shirt accentuated her broad shoulders and then fell over the rest of her upper body.  She carried some extra weight, but it didn’t look bad on her due to her frame.  As the old grannies used to say back home, she is just big-boned.  I continued to watch her with amusement.  When Rhiannon was nervous she didn’t have shaky hands, break out in a sweat, or get sick.  No, she became fidgety and a ball of energy.  She had to move and if confined to small areas, such as a bedroom, she’d resort to things like constantly fixing her clothes, taping her feet, flexing her hands….anything as long as it allowed her to move.

           “What?”  She asked snapping her head up to stare at me.

           “Rhi, why are you so nervous?”  I pushed off of the door frame and made my way further into the room.

           “I’m not…”

           “Yes you are.”  I interrupted her and she looked at me with such a lost expression that I was instantly transported back to another time that she sat before me just as nervous, which brought on another round of chuckles.

           “What’s so funny?”  Her voice held a slight edge, but I knew she wasn’t angry.  Instead she gave me her ‘mean little kid look’.  I had to force myself not to laugh.  She had her forehead furrowed together, squinted her eyes to a sharp focus, and set her mouth in this thin line.  She did this so often when frustrated, but little did she know it had the opposite effect on everyone.  All of our friends knew this look and we joked about it often.

           “You are just reminding me of the last time you were this nervous around me.”  She relaxed her eyes and mouth, but her forehead remaining furrowed in concentration and I could tell that she was trying to remember. Maybe I should give her a break today.  “I remember a young woman in her early twenties sitting in my livingroom and I thought we would have to chain you down to get you to spit out what had you wound up.”  At this she leaned her head back and laughed and then her face and neck lit up with a slight blush. Rhi was the type of woman that didn’t know how pretty she was.  No she wasn’t the “Hollywood beautiful” that most people look for in a person, but she wasn’t fugly (that’s short for fucking ugly in case you were unaware) either.  Rhi commanded your attention when she was in a room.  It wasn’t just the full five feet and nine inches, larger athletic frame (she was always teased that she had “man shoulders”), the coal black hair, light brown eyes, or naturally tan skin that demanded your attention.  No it was something about her spirit, or personality, that drew you in and kept you wanting more.  She definitely inherited her natural American Indian look from her ancestors.  In fact, when she decided to dress for the pow-wows she looked the part of a young warrior.  I have never been around such an intimidating, but gentle soul in my entire life. It was my first time seeing her in her dress garb that I coined her the nickname, Chief.  I sometimes call her it just to get a rise out of her.

           “If I remember right you didn’t make it easy on me either.”  She hung her head and started playing with her shirt again.

           “Hell no, I wasn’t going to take it easy on you.  You had to say it or it wouldn’t mean as much.  Sometimes just saying it out loud helps.”

           “Val, you didn’t help me. You just wanted to watch me squirm.”  She was now staring straight at me with a look that most would cringe with fear at seeing, but I knew that she wasn’t anything but a big softy underneath it all.

           “Well, that was just a perk!”  I dashed back through the door as she fake threw a pillow at me.

 

   **Rhi**

           Val took off and I tossed my pillow back onto the bed.  Most would say Val is my best friend, but I think of her more as a sister.  She’s the one that I’m always getting into trouble with, but it is always worth it because it ends up being a kick-ass story to tell after the dust has settled.  But this is what happens when you’ve known someone for twenty-six years.

           It is hard to believe that we are now thirty.  Sometimes I look at Val and I still see the 4 year old that had one eye that was slightly crossed, mismatched clothes because her dad never knew how to dress her, and she always had dirt stains on her clothes from running around outside.  I used to tease her that she was like the kid Linus from the Peanuts; always a tomboy and dirty.  However, Val actually had grown into herself and was now the girl-next-door pretty.  Sometime during college she started to grow out of the constant disheveled look and grew more into her body.  Her longer blonde hair began to lay down perfectly on her head, her eye uncrossed, her dirt stained clothes stayed clean, and although she remained the rough-around-the-edges tomboyish she started to look more like the rest of the female population.  However, her attitude has never changed.

 See, I met Valarie Burke at a baseball game that my father was coaching.  I saw this group of guys that often hung out and practiced with my dad’s team gathering toward the side and back of the concession stand.  Being the curious soul I was, I decided to go see what was going on.  The closer I got I heard this voice that was mouthing back at the boys that were laughing.  Once I got close enough to see between the boys I saw a small-for-her-age girl standing with one hand on her hip and one finger waving in the air.  Part of me wanted to smile at the larger-than-life sass that was coming from this girl, but the other part of me became angry that the boys seemed to be hassling and ganging up on this lone girl.  So, I stepped in.  I thought since I knew the boys and they all knew that I could back up my words that they’d turn and leave the two of us alone.  Well, I was right, the boys left, but when I turned to make sure the younger girl was okay, she unleashed all her sass straight at me.  That is the day that I learned that dynamite comes in small packages and you NEVER want to be around that package when the fuse goes out.  I learned that Val didn’t need any protection, but I also found that she fought just as fiercely for her friends as she did for herself.

           That fierceness was one of the things that I never took for granted from Val.  I never had to worry if she had my back because she was always standing beside me fighting my battles with me.  I never knew how much I’d need her in college, but she was right there.  My mind automatically began to remember the one night that I was sure I would lose Val forever.

 

 ******************************************************************************************

 

_“Rhi will you just sit down and tell me what has you fluttering around here?”_

  _I stared at Val and I could feel the sweat break out on my forehead.  I had raced over to Val’s apartment because I needed to tell her.  I needed to know that there was one other person out there that knew my inner most self and still loved me.  My mind played every scenario over in my head and I just knew I was going to lose Val.  She was going to look at me in that shocked-disgusted way that I had seen others react and then she was going to tell me to leave.  What would I do if she did tell me to leave?  Where would I go?  What if she told me to never come back?  Oh god, what if she thought this was a joke?  I opened my mouth a half dozen times, but no words would come out.  My tongue felt swollen and was sticking to my teeth as if I hadn’t drank anything in days. I even paused my pacing at one point thinking that maybe that would help me find my voice faster. Nope.  My vocal cords had packed their bags, left, and took my non-existent balls with them._

  _“Rhi.”  Val was suddenly in front of me with her hands on my shoulders.  “How long have we been friends?”  I just stared at her trying to mentally count the years, but then I’d remember what I really needed to say and would have to start counting again.  Damn!  “Yep, that many.  So regardless what you have to say to me right now it isn’t going to change all those years.”  She pushed me back to the couch, forced me to sit, and then drug the coffee table over to sit on in front of me.  Suddenly the walls were moving closer and the room began to spin.  I started bouncing my knee and could feel myself calm slightly.  “Rhi, just take a deep breath and just say it.”_

  _I stopped bouncing my knee, looked her square in the eye, opened my mouth……nope, nothing but a squeak.  I saw the corners of her mouth twitch before she could fully hide her amusement of the situation.  On any other day I might have been perturbed that she found my discomfort so amusing, but I also knew that I was being irrational at this point.  I closed my mouth and tried to swallow.  I tried to make my mind clear all the debris from my thoughts.  I tried to make my heart quit racing and my body from sweating.  I knew how I looked.  I could tell I was pale because my hands were almost white and had a slight shake to them.  Damn!  I was never this nervous.  But she was my sister, my best friend and if she turned away from me, I don’t think I could take it._

  _“Rhi,” she leaned closer to me and lowered her voice.  It reminded me of how we’d approach a scared animal on the farm. “It is just us.  Me and you.”  She leaned down trying to catch my eyes, but soon gave up. “Why can’t you just say what you came here to say?”_

  _“I,” my voice squeaked a little and was barely above a whisper. “I’m scared.”_

  _“Well, that is a start.”  She clasped her hands over mine and forced me to look at her again.  “What are you scared of?”_

  _“Everything.” Yep.  The damn was breaking and I didn’t think I could do this. I was scared that with three little words my whole world would collapse.  Everything that we knew before and everything that would come after would be different.  This was that moment where you had to take the bull by the horns or get stabbed._

  _“Rhi, I want you to take a deep breath and whisper it to me.”  She leaned closer so she could hear._

  _“I…” Damn!  The bull won.  “I don’t think I can.” She let go of my hands, leaned back, and stared at me.  I knew that look and I knew it well.  It was Val’s don’t make me pull this out of you like a stubborn root you can’t pull in the yard.  I exhaled feeling defeated and let my shoulders slump.  I was going to have to cowgirl up and just say it.   She leaned back towards me.  “I’m, uh,” I paused.  It was just three LITTLE words; two if you hyphenated the one!   “Val, I like girls.”  There!  I had said it!  Let lightning strike now, let god come banish me to hell, and bring on the loss of all my friends and family._

  _“Like girl, girls?  Or women?”  I leaned back to look her in the face and was trying to grasp her question.  Then I gasped and gave her a disgusted look.  Why did everyone always think the gay people were pedophiles?  WTF, batman?!?  “Gotcha!”  Her face broke out into a wide grin and she laughed.  I sat there not knowing what to do.  One minute ago I knew I’d lose everything and now she was sitting here laughing at me?  “You have to admit, that was a good one!  But, on a more serious side, I already knew.”_

  _“WHAT?”  I would have jumped up if it wouldn’t have knocked Val from her perch._

  _“Um, it is called deductive reasoning.  You should try it sometime!  You’ve never really been gushy over a guy.  Hell, in grade school you hung those posters in your room because they were what our other friends were hanging up AND I saw you looking at your brother’s posters more than once, just like he’d look at them.  I thought you might come to me in high school when you were crushing hard on the new teacher, but not one peep from you.  I have to say though, I think she would have bent the rules for you and risked jail time.  Oh and don’t even get me started on walking through campus during Greek week when the bikini babes were marching through the quad.  Last year I thought I was going to have to throw my water on you to get your attention back on the conversation.”_

  _I just sat there, shell-shocked.  She knew.  All this time and she freaking knew. Wait!  She doesn’t seem to care.  Did she just say that she’s known of YEARS and hasn’t said one thing distasteful about it?  How can that be?  We didn’t grow up in a city mecca.  We grew up in the country where you had to counter a date request with a look at the person’s family tree just to make sure your branches weren’t intertwined.  We grew up where you were forced to attend church and was always going to go to hell for some reason or another._

  _“Wait.  You knew?”  I slumped against the back of the couch.  “You knew and you don’t hate me?”_

  _“Why would I hate you?”_

_“Um, I’m going to hell?  I’m one of “those” people.  You could be mistaken for one by association.  Um, I could go on and on here.”_

  _“Who says I’m not one?”_

  _“WHAT?”  I sat back up as she now had my full attention.  Did she really mean that? How didn’t I know?  Wasn’t I supposed to have some kind of radar system that alerted me to these things?!?_

  _“I love messing with you!”  She lunged to the sofa beside me, wrapped her arms around my shoulders from the side, and pulled me back to lean against the couch.  “Yes, I have known for a long time, but I needed you to tell me.”  She paused a moment as if she wanted things to really sink in. “Yes, I still love you and no I’m not going anywhere.  As for the rest of the world?  Well, they can go fuck themselves!”_

 **********************************************************************************************

            I laughed out loud at the memory.  Val was full of surprises, she definitely loves to give me shit, but she has always been there for me.  I wouldn’t know what I would have done over the years without her and I know that I’d be a wreck today if she wasn’t here.  I wondered over to the window that looked out into the back yard and to all the people milling around chatting with each other.  I glanced around not really seeing who was there, but seeing more who was not standing in my back yard.  I’m so thankful that I have family like Val.  Yes, she may be chosen, but at least I know we mutually love each other.  To us the word family means more than someone lucky enough to share your DNA.  No, family is the word to describe those that choose to love each other unconditionally and stand together through all of life’s storms. In fact, very few of my blood relatives speak to me anymore and none of them have ever visited me or my home.  It is my blood relatives that do not stand in my backyard chatting with my friends and family that are here today.  But that was a choice my blood relatives made years ago.

 ****************************************************************************************************

            _I slowly came out of the fitful sleep I was having and sighed a relief to be out of my nightmares finally.  Being back on the farm visiting always brought a round of nightmares.  I enjoyed getting away to the peace and quiet every few weeks to see my parents and siblings, but the quiet also brought the nightmares.  I laid in bed a while longer allowing my system to fully wake up and to help shake the remaining darkness from my dream.  I sat up and the house was quiet.  I must have missed Dad again.  He must already be out with the animals or working in a field.  The house seems too quiet, which made me stop and listen harder. I shook my head, trying to finish clearing my dreams away, but the heaviness of the air remained.  I decided to take my time packing and getting ready to make the two hour drive back to school and work, or as I thought of it, my life._

  _Once I finished showering and packing, I brought my bag out to the kitchen and about tripped over my own feet as I saw my dad sitting in his recliner in the livingroom.  I smiled up at him, but he was engrossed in the paper.  So, I continued to the kitchen to set my bag down by the back door.  At least it was ready to go after I found something to snack on before hitting the road._

  _“Dad, want me to fix you something?”  My father was always forgetting to eat.  He could never function without his coffee, but the man could walk out to check on one thing and not be back to the house for twelve hours.  Then he’d wonder why he was so hungry.  So, anytime he was sitting still and I was around, I’d ask if he wanted something to eat.  He didn’t respond to me.  I shut the fridge and focused on the livingroom.  “Dad, did you hear me?  Do you want something to eat?”_

  _“Nah.” It came out more as a grunt and was quieter than normal.  Now I was concerned.  So, I walked back toward the livingroom and poked my head around the doorway._

  _“You okay, Pa?”  Yes, I called my father Pa sometimes.  My friends made fun of me because I started it when I was younger and was hooked on Little House on the Prairie.  But it stuck and I only used it for the more important moments._

  _“No.” He had yet to look up at me, but I could now feel his unease, which made me more worried about him._

  _“You not feeling well?  Need me to call mom?”  I moved from the doorway into the livingroom and leaned against the old gas furnace that had been there since I was a baby.  I crossed my arms and studied him closely.  My father was an intimidating man.  Don’t get me wrong, he never really hurt us, but he expected us to mind him and never question what he said.  Basically, he was the type of man that only wanted things his way and said to hell with what everyone else wanted.  People often said I could command a room like my father.  He seemed to have this presence that just boomed out of him when he was angry and his dark brown eyes would almost glint red.  My father stood at almost six feet tall and I shared his black hair and tan skin.  He was the kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back, but if you angered him, then you’d have an enemy for life.  He still hadn’t answered me, but he also hadn’t turned a page of the paper since I came out of my room.  “Pa, what’s wrong?”_

  _“How could you?”  I had thought of many things that could be wrong.  One of the animals was sick, a field wasn’t ready like he wanted, some piece of machinery broke, he hurt something while out this morning doing chores, he was mad I slept in and missed the morning chores, he didn’t want mom to go to work, he hated I was leaving to go back to school so early in the day…..Okay the list could go on and on at this point, but I was drawing a blank on what I could have done besides sleep in._

  _“I’m sorry I missed the morning chores.  I forgot to set my alarm.”  He looked at me now and his eyes were almost black.  Yep, he was definitely mad at something.  But he had never gotten that mad at me missing morning chores since I had left for school about 4 years ago. Granted, I rarely missed because it was less hassle to just get up and do the chores than hear about how lazy I was when I slept in._

  _“How could you be so disgusting?”  He was staring through me at this point. I don’t think he even saw me anymore._

  _“Disgusting?  I know I forgot to set my alarm, but…”_

  _“You think you like women.”  Spittle actually came out of his mouth as if the words took effort to form on his tongue and pass his lips.  They landed on me like iron weights and dread filled my body.  Sure, I had told my mom a few months ago that I was gay, but I begged her to give me time to work up the courage to tell my father.  He slowly stood up while continuing to stare at me. “Your mother told me that my…..my……DAUGHTER, suddenly thinks she’s into women.”_

  _“Pa,” I quit leaning against the furnace and let my arms fall to my sides.  I felt like someone had just sucker punched me without any warning.  I was struggling to string a sentence together, but I doubted my father was going to care considering he was still doing the stare through me thing._

  _“No.”  He took a few steps closer to me.  “No, you do not get to call me that.”  He re-squared his shoulders like I had seen him do when he was trying to show the bulls who was the boss in the middle of the pasture. “No daughter of mine is going to be gay.”  And there was the upper-cut and knock-out blow.  I refused to look away from my father’s eyes.  I knew if I budged an inch at this moment that it would be a sign of weakness to my father and he’d feel like he had “told me”.  I was waiting for the rest of it.  I knew my father and I knew this wasn’t everything he had to say on the subject.  I watched him swallow and I braced myself for the rest of his speech.  I wasn’t disappointed.  He told me about how the community respected him, that they came to him for guidance, and as a leader.  He said he had helped a few of my brother’s friends find the “light” and straightened their tail out in a hurry (I’m sure no pun was intended), he told me about a few of my cousins that he had told how they would damned to hell for their actions and when they wouldn’t listen to him he wrote them out of his life.  He told me how god wanted me to find a man and that a man was all he’d accept in his house.  He reiterated that his daughter would not be gay because it would be negative against him.  That the community would turn their back on him, the youth wouldn’t seek out his wisdom, and how the respect of our family would be lost because the devil had taken up residence.  Once he was finished, he stared at me in the eyes almost daring me to open my mouth to speak.  We stayed like that for a few moments.  I’m sure he was waiting for me to find my voice and I was waiting for him to continue onto another rant that would paint me in a worse picture.  “What do you have to say for yourself?”_

  _In that moment a million things popped into my mind.  I knew this was my moment to either cave, apologize for “thinking” I might like women, or go back to living an existence that had depressed me on numerous occasions.  I thought back to the times that I held my brother’s colt in my hand, spun the chamber, and played roulette with my life to see if I deserved to live another day.  I thought of all the scars that were finally fading from the cutting I had done while on my road to realizing my sexuality and coming to terms with what it would mean in my life.  I remembered the hundreds of horror stories I read about teens that were killed because they came out, about the thousands that were disowned, and then I thought about the people that had found peace with who they were and who they loved.  As I stood there staring my father in the eye I decided one thing, I would not hide any longer.  I wanted happiness.  I wanted to live.  I wanted the fact that I am gay to be only one thing people got to know about me in the future.  I knew I wasn’t defined by my sexuality, but I knew that in this moment my sexuality would define my future.  The next moment was the moments that put another link in your character.  I wanted to stand for me, for my life, for my happiness.  I wanted to just be me for once without the guilt trip that my actions defined my family’s future.  My father was waiting for me to answer.  I could see him getting angrier and angrier as I made him wait._

  _“WELL?”  He reached out and grabbed my face.  I swore that they had a special class that showed fathers how to use a belt, backhand, slap, and grab ones face to be the most effective.  His fingers squeezed at my cheeks and his palm cupped my chin._

  _“Then I guess I’m not your daughter.”  I grabbed his hand and ripped it away from my face, never letting my eyes divert from his.  His eyes seemed to flash red and I felt like we were two wolves fighting for dominance.  My father may have been trying to get his “cub” back in line, but I was fighting for me._

  _“Leave this house and don’t ever come back.”_

  _“Gladly.”  I had said it out of instinct, but knew instantly that I was in trouble.  Before I could even detect movement, my father had reached back and landed a punch to the side of my face.  Pain exploded in my cheek and eye, a fuzzy noise like a TV station of snow sounded in my ears, and fireworks went off behind my eyelids.  Fuck that hurt!  I caught myself and stood back up before anything other than my feet touched the floor.  This seemed to anger my father even more, but he didn’t reach back out to me.  I raised my hand to the burning at my upper cheek and touched my fingers lightly over the already swollen area. I felt a weird slick feeling, so I removed my fingers and looked at them.  I had blood on my fingers.  I looked back at my father and in that moment he flinched almost like I had pulled my fist back to hit him.  I then turned, grabbed my keys and bag, and left._

  _I remember looking at the farm grow smaller in my rear-view mirror and felt like the chains were falling off of me.  Would I miss the country, miss the farm, miss my family?  Yes.  But I suddenly felt free.  Free to be me.  Free to live life.  Free to laugh.  Free to define myself.  Free of guilt.  Free to love.  I was finally free to love._

_*****************************************************************************************************_

 

          I wish I could say that was the last time I saw my father, but it wasn’t.  I had driven to Val’s and she cursed my father while helping me to clean up my face.  She even drove herself down to my parents to give them a piece of her mind.  Of course, we both knew it wouldn’t change anything.  I was scared shitless over the next few weeks.  Sure, I was going to college full-time while working full-time and really didn’t rely on my parents for anything.  However, my grandmother helped me pay my rent each month.  I was scared they would tell her and she would cut me off.  Then I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay to go to school.  But, they never told her anything.  Or if they did, she continued to help with my rent.  I used to talk to my mother every couple of months, even though it took me a long time to forgive her for dropping the bomb and then leaving me to pick up the mess.  She never mentioned my unfortunate meeting with my father’s fist and I never told her, so either he left that part out when he banned me from the farm, or she choose not to remember that part of the story.  I heard from the “grape-vine” that my father had flaunted that I went against the family’s beliefs and that was why I was no longer around the area.  After a while I figured if he needed to build his reputation by disowning his daughter for being gay, then I really didn’t need anything to do with the community.  But, Val remained loyal to me.  I heard that she would tell anyone off that dared question her about me or about my family. Val was my chosen family and our family tree stood taller and stronger than anything my blood could build.  And, I was okay that none of my blood family had shown up for today.  They didn’t deserve to share in this moment.

  

**Val**

             I chuckled as I walked back through the house and out onto the back deck.  I smiled and waved at a few of our old gang that were mingling with “the locals”.  It warmed my heart to see such a mixed crowd of old and new.  It was a collision of Rhi’s life all collected in one place.  I had missed our old group, but we all had one thing in common.  When we were needed, you could count on us to be there.  The old gang had proven that time and time again.  It was kind of like the Musketeer saying, “all for one and one for all.”  I have to admit, Rhi was the one that was usually jumping in to save our asses, but when you messed with Rhi, you got the WHOLE group.

********************************************************************************************************************** 

            _“Val!”  I heard my name screamed over the music, but I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from or who was saying it.  Finally, I saw Caitlin crawling over some people trying to reach me.  When she got close enough, I grabbed her arm and pulled her close so I could hear her over the on-going party._

  _“What?”  I had to scream right by her ear.  I caught a few words here and there, but between her rushing to tell me something and the background noise, I couldn’t understand anything.  So, I grabbed her arm and drug her into the kitchen, but there was still quite the crowd.  I led her out onto the deck, down the steps and into the yard.  Finally some quiet, or at least less noise than in the house and the immediate surrounding area.  “Now, what is going on?”_

  _“Sonya just left.”  She said in a rush._

_“Okay.  Does she want a medal or what?”  As far as I was concerned, Sonya could stay gone.  Sonya was Rhi’s first real girlfriend, but I didn’t think she was as serious about the relationship.  Sonya was about ten years older than us, had a ten year old child, treated Rhi like shit, and probably cheating on her.  Nope, that woman could stay gone._

  _“No.  She’s gone, gone.  She blew up at Rhi and she stormed out saying that it was over!”  Oh shit!_

  _“Where is Rhi?”_

  _“She went after her, but then disappeared.”  Caitlin was shaking now and I knew it was from the adrenaline over the situation._

  _“No one followed her?”_

  _“We tried!”  Caitlin was nearing tears, which wouldn’t help me find out where Rhi was._

  _“Okay.  If Rhi left the party, then I can probably find her.”  I paused to think for a moment.  “You will need to shut the party down, gather the troops, and if I’m not back here in 1 hour call me.”  She nodded her understanding and I jogged to the front lawn._

  _Well, Sonya’s car was gone and Rhi’s car was in the driveway.  So, she hadn’t drove, so at least that was a plus.  I wasn’t able to see her in any direction I looked, so I took off for campus.  When Rhi was down or hurt she always went to sit in the quad under one of the trees because she said it made her feel like she was back home.  As I walked I silently cursed Sonya and wished that karma would hurry up and find her ass.  That woman had been a thorn in Rhi’s side since day one._

  _Rhi had met Sonya on-line and they had talked for a few weeks and met.  Then she dropped off the face of the earth for about three months.  When she contacted Rhi again they began hanging out often and with Sonya’s friends.  Sonya couldn’t even tell Rhi that she liked her, no she had one of her friends tell Rhi that she should make the first move on Sonya.  I understand that it has to be hard moving from hanging out as friends to making out, but it seemed high schoolish to me to get your friends involved.  After they progressed things, rather quickly, soon Rhi was staying two to three nights a week with Sonya.  I would have been happy for her, but she was often left with the chore of taking care of Sonya’s ten year old child.  Now for Rhi, that was like a dream come true.  She had a ready-made family sitting there for the taking. Don’t get me wrong, kids are great.  But I feel it is the parent’s job to make sure their child gets to school on time and is fed.  Nope, that was all Rhi’s doing.  She also helped her with her homework, brought them dinner, and helped walk the dog.  I felt like Sonya was using Rhi, but I kept my mouth shut because Rhi told me she was happy.  About a month into this relationship is when things started getting shady in my book.  Sonya told Rhi that she couldn’t be over every night because she wasn’t ready for a live-in relationship.  So Sonya would tell Rhi when she could come over during the week, almost like having a work schedule._

  _Rhi is a very private person when it comes to certain aspects of her relationship with Sonya, but I do know that she refused to let Sonya reciprocate anything in bed.  I asked Rhi about this once and asked her if she was sure she was really into women.  I’ll never ask her that again!  The look she threw me was unmistakably a “did you REALLY just ask me that” look.  I had to work at it, but I finally got the gest of things out of her and a whole lot of nervousness from her.  Rhi never believed in waiting until marriage for sex, but she did believe in not sleeping around for the enjoyment of things.  She tried to explain that for her that a night with someone wasn’t just something to do, but more an expression of feelings.  And, until it felt right, no one would touch her.  I think she tried to smooth it over with Sonya once because Rhi suddenly was labeled a stone cold butch.  Okay, so “technically” it was true, but not like the label suggested.   As much as Rhi thought Sonya was okay with things, every time something went wrong in the relationship, every small disagreement, and Sonya would pull this out of her back pocket and wave it around.  I couldn’t blame Sonya for wanting more.  I mean, here you were in a relationship with a woman that obviously had feelings for you, but yet she didn’t feel enough for you to allow the relationship to be equal.  On the other hand, no means no, and NO ONE should be pressured.  Just another reason I hated the woman, although really I didn’t have to search hard to find a reason.  Regardless, I always wanted to support Rhi, so I remained optimistic and didn’t bad mouth her even though I always wanted to._

          _I looked across the quad as I was nearing the path that would take me into the large grassy area and sure enough, there sat Rhi under her tree.  I slowly made my way across the grass and eased myself down beside Rhi.  She looked like hell.  I could tell she’d been crying, but I’d never tell her that and she’d never admit it.  Her knuckles on her right hand were bleeding, so I figured she had already went a few rounds with her friend the oak tree and she was silently plucking blades of grass from the ground near her shoes._

  _“Caitlin said Sonya left.” I kept my voice low as this place could echo horribly._

  _“Yeah.”_

  _“She coming back?”_

  _“No.”_

  _“Am I going to want to kill her?”_

  _“Probably.”  I put my hand on her shoulder and pulled her back against the tree and then positioned myself so our shoulders would be touching._

  _“What happened?”_

  _“The usual.”  She hung her head and picked an entire handful of grass from the ground and threw it to the side. She sniffed a little and I my heart ached with her and for her.  Rhi didn’t show emotions as freely as everyone else and I blamed her parents.  I mean I grew up with just my dad raising me, but he taught me the basics like it is okay to cry when you hurt.  Not Rhi’s parents.  No their moto was we are going to lean on you and you are going to be strong for us.  That is why I always tried to make sure that in these moments Rhi had human touch, so she could learn that physical comfort was okay to want and have.  I swear Rhi could be a poster child for why kids needed hugged many times a day; just another reason that I hated her parents._

  _“Can you tell me about it?”_

_“I don’t know.”  She took a shaky breath and leaned her head against the tree.  “She was upset there was a party, so we went to my room and shut the door.”  She paused and looked out across the quad, but I knew she wasn’t seeing anything that was there because she was in her head replaying everything.  That’s how Rhi processed things.  She replayed them over and over and over again until they made sense to her. “One thing led to another and then she just exploded on me.”_

  _“The same stuff?”_

  _“Yeah.”_

  _I let the conversation die from there as I silently called Sonya every name in the book. Man I hated that bitch.  After a little while I convinced Rhi to walk back to the house with me.  The rest of our friends were there and had already set up the livingroom for a rowdy game of poker.  We all knew Rhi.  We knew that if we didn’t draw her out of the darkness that she sunk into before she went back to her room, then she’d stay there for weeks.  Another thing I blamed on her parents.  If anything bad happened everyone usually found a way to make it Rhi’s fault, so now as an adult she automatically blamed herself and internalized the hurt.   That was the last time we saw Sonya._

_*********************************************************************************************************************************_

 

          Man, I hadn’t thought of Sonya in forever.  I was glad that the fallout from her didn’t last long, but I think it had to do with the rumors we all heard about Sonya’s extracurricular activities.  It hadn’t been but a few days when the girlfriend of Sonya’s best friend showed up to speak with Rhi.  I was told later that the visit was a warning to get tested and stay away from Sonya because she was sleeping around and had been for a while.  Rhi didn’t back down when she’d see Sonya or her daughter out somewhere.  I guess Sonya had spoken with Rhi asking her to stay in the daughter’s life, but Rhi told her that she needed to raise her daughter and not have an ex do it for her.  I was so damn proud when Rhi told me about the exchange. It made me feel like Rhi was finally seeing that she deserved better.

           Of course over the years there were other women, but none seemed to be able to penetrate the barriers around Rhi’s heart.  She would let them in, to a point, and give them the world.  But eventually, none of them could handle that she couldn’t give them all of her.  I know that Rhi pretended that she was fine single.  I think she’d come to the conclusion that no one would be okay with only getting a section of who she was, so she quit putting it out there.  Hell, I couldn’t even tell you the last time she talked about liking anyone or going on an enjoyable date.  Don’t get me wrong, she’d go on dates, but she’d rarely go on a second date with anyone.  She’d call me the night of the date or the day after complaining about women complaining, or even insulting, her old fashioned views.  See, Rhi was one of the rare ones that the modern woman couldn’t stand.  She held the door for people, opened car doors, brought flowers to pick up her date, insisted on paying, and never went past a kiss on the first date.  She didn’t do all of this because she thought she was more masculine than the women she dated or that she thought that was what someone would like.  Nope, Rhi had been doing these things since she was a small child.  She felt that holding a door open or opening a car door was a sign of respect.  Bringing flowers to a woman meant she always showed up with positivity and shared a smile.  She insisted on paying because she always wanted to “do” for people.  To this day I have to almost threaten her with physical harm to pay for my own meal or to treat her out.  And, well, Rhi didn’t want a woman to think she was taking advantage of them, so she always held off on anything physical until she had connected to someone on a mental/emotional level.  These were things that her grandmother had taught her and she refused to budge on any of it.

           I remember the summer I began to understand Rhi and her “old-fashioned” ways.  We were heading to the local pool hall to kill some time on a hot afternoon.  A small group of us arrived to the door at the same time as s small group of adults.  Rhi stepped forward, opened the door, and gestured to the group of adults to enter.  Well, Chad Billings started to charge in already digging in his pockets for the change to claim the first game of pool.  Rhi reached out grabbed Chad’s shirt collar, dragged him back behind her, and stated “after you” to the remaining adults.  Once the adults entered, Rhi let the door go and turned on Chad.  He was wiggling and telling her to let go of him.  She politely explained to Chad that letting your elders enter before you was a sign of respect that they had earned by being older.  She had ended her explanation with the phrase “you’d better mind your place in the world” and then held the door open for the rest of our small group to enter.  A week later I saw Chad holding the door open for his parents when they were visiting the bank.  The memory still made me chuckle and when visiting home I occasionally ran into Chad.  He now had a son who was opening doors for his elders. I doubt Rhi even knew what her actions and words did that day or how she changed Chad’s life forever.  Rhi was just that type of person.  What was right was right, what was wrong was wrong.  It wasn’t so much what society gaged as right and wrong, but more a common sense of humanity.

           “Hey.”  The soft voice startled me as I hadn’t heard or seen any one approach.  I turned to find Caitlin standing next to me.  The brunette was another friend that hadn’t changed much since our days at college.  Caitlin was part of the “old gang” and still looked too damn comfy in her tight jeans and baggy t-shirt sporting the phrase “Straight but not Narrow”.

           “Hey.”  I returned her greeting and flashed a smile.  “Enjoying yourself?”

           “Yep.”  She sat her bottle of “Mikes” on the banister and looked out at the small gathering.  She readjusted her feet a few times and rolled her shoulders.  I held in my chuckle as I silently observed her.  Caitlin was never one to excel in stressful situations.  She was our resident political radical.  By that I mean that she was always taking up a cause because everyone needed supported. Caitlin had stood in numerous capital cities in front of court houses, governor mansions, churches etc over the past few years to help gay marriage become legal.  Granted, I never thought her one voice actually helped push anything through, but at least there were a lot of Caitlin’s in the world that pushed for change. “So, where is Rhiannon?”  She finally approached the elephant in the room, per say.

           “She’s inside getting ready.”  Caitlin glanced back at the house and I could almost smell her anxiety.  “You know Rhi.  She has to make sure that she’s wearing the right clothes.”  I was trying to defuse her anxiety by getting her to laugh.

           “You know why she invited everyone.”  It was a simple statement, but spoke volumes about everyone’s suspicions.  My phone had not stopped buzzing for the past week after Rhi sent out a cook-out invitation to all our old friends.  I simply stated the truth.  Rhi wanted to see everyone, so she organized a BBQ.  Once people started showing up, I could almost taste the anxiety in the air.  It was the mixture of the old friends with the new friends that had everyone on edge.   “I know that you won’t tell me anything more about the why of it all.  Will you at least tell me if she is okay?”

           Have you ever thought about the word okay?  I hated the word.  Hated the meaning.  Hated the implication.  The definition of okay contradicted itself.  How can one word mean successful, satisfactory, under control, and well enough?  If the definition of the word cannot be one way or another, then how can anyone be okay?  To me, being okay means being at war.  Two sides clashing.   Saying someone or something is okay is like saying you are fighting to stay afloat, but you are succeeding.  So, one could argue that while you are trying not to drown you are also succeeding at life? So if someone is okay, they are at war?  I could barely speak, but I managed to answer Caitlin.  “She is okay.”

           Yep, that was Rhi.  She was okay.  Suddenly, it was hard to breathe and tears sprang to my eyes.  NO!  I WILL NOT CRY!  I quietly excused myself from Caitlin and returned to the house.  Luckily, I was able to make my way to the guest room without being stopped by anyone else and I quietly shut the door.  I stood with my back against the door and tried to control my breathing so the tears wouldn’t start.  I promised myself that after the first night of my arrival that I wouldn’t cry again, but damn I felt like a part of myself was dying.  No, not dying. Maybe it was better to say a part of me was in agony while the other part of me fought to be the fierce protector. Breathe in, 1, 2, 3, 4, breathe out, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Was I supposed to count longer?  Fuck!! Who could keep it straight how long the count should be? I slowly felt the tears begin to dry in my eyes and I could finally catch my breath.  One thing was for sure, we were all at war.  I stood there feeling the strength returning to me and I knew without a doubt I’d do whatever had to be done to make sure that Rhi won this battle.

  

**Rhi**

           I heard the guest bedroom door click close and I knew Val wasn’t okay.  I could feel her emotions wash over me as if they were my own.  Hell, they kind of matched my own.  She was trying to take all of this in stride and be the strong one for me.  I really appreciated what she was trying to do, but part of me wanted to see her fall apart.  Maybe if she fell apart, then my own body would know what to do.  As it was I was torn between wanting to sob like a baby, demolishing everything in my home in anger, and laughing at the odds.  Yep, that was pretty much my life for the past week.  Had it only been a week?  Who knew that three words, one sentence, could change everything in your life?

           A week ago I was sitting in my livingroom, dinner sitting on the coffee table, and I was surfing the TV trying to find something worthwhile to watch while I ate dinner.  My cell phone rang and I blindly reached for it.  An unknown number.  I hated unknown numbers and usually never answered the phone.  But I answered that night.

 **************************************************************************************************************************

_“Is this Rhiannon MacReynolds?”  I instantly recognized my doctor’s voice._

  _“Hey doc, it is me.”  I put down the remote and paid attention to the call because my physician had never needed to call me herself._

  _“Rhiannon, I’m sorry for calling you so late, but I needed to speak to you.”  There was some shuffling scuffing noises on the other end and I thought I had lost the call.  “Anyway, I’m afraid I don’t have the best news.”  My stomached flopped over and felt like a lead balloon. “Rhiannon, your biopsy came back positive for cancer.”  I stopped breathing.  “But don’t worry, if you are going to have cancer, this is the kind to have.  The biopsy came back as Papillary Thyroid Cancer and we’ll need to get you to a surgeon as soon as possible.”  I tried to swallow, but my mouth felt like I had just plowed a field in a wind storm.  “So, my nurse will call you to set everything up and run through the time-line for you.  I’m guessing that you’ll need your whole thyroid removed and probably a couple of lymph nodes.  But, we’ll get it and you are going to be fine.  The survival rate is really great.” She paused for a bit as if she was allowing it all to sink in.  “So, do you have any questions now?”_

  _“N….no.”  I barely was able to find my voice._

  _“Good!  Well, just remember, this is the good cancer and this is going to be a walk in the park.  If you have questions before the nurse calls you, then call me at the office.  If you want to come in to talk about this, then we can get you in tomorrow.”  She then bid me goodnight and hung up._

  _I collapsed onto the nearest thing to me and stared at the floor.  Frozen.  That one word summed up everything about me.  I felt like my entire body and mind froze.  Cancer?  Surely I didn’t hear her correctly!  Cancer?  Nope, that was never going to happen to me.  I was strong and healthy.  Okay so I had a few pounds on me and rarely visited the gym, but I wasn’t unhealthy.  I am Rhiannon and I will never have cancer.  I refuse to have cancer!  I shook my head trying to clear the fog.  Fuck, she said cancer!  It was with those words that everything seemed to wake back up within me.  My breath caught, my heart began beating out of my chest, my vision started to darken around the edges, and my skin broke out in a sweat.  What the hell am I going to do now?_

  _Suddenly, my mind when back to my great-uncle.  My great-uncle Roscoe was more like an uncle to me than anything as far removed as great.  I remember him sitting in his chair drinking coffee, silently turning the pages on his Western he was reading, and quietly chuckling at something in his book.  My uncle was a great man that never had a cross thing to say and was always ready for an adventure.  Most of the relatives his age found me to be too energetic or got on their nerves too much, but not Uncle Roscoe.  When I’d become restless from being in the house all day, he’d lead me outside, pick up his ever-ready fishing poles, and we’d walk to the back of his property to his pond.  Man, I loved those moments.  I remember telling him everything and always asking questions most people wouldn’t sit still long enough to answer.  That man was my hero.  I can still smell his brand of cigarettes and I think of him every time I drink coffee.  I was in high school when he was diagnosed with lung cancer.  He quickly went from being Uncle Roscoe to a man I barely recognized.  I watched it eat through him and made him a shadow of himself.  The last day I could bring myself to sit by his bed was the last day I ever called him Uncle Roscoe.  He woke up from a nap and looked up at me.  In that small moment, I could see his fear and suddenly I felt his pain.  I grasped his hand and told him that I loved him.  He graced me with his smile.  The smile that was slow and lazy.  The kind of smile that worked to come to the surface, but once it got there it warmed everything it could touch, much like the rising sun.  In that one small moment, nothing mattered.  He wasn’t sick.  He wasn’t lying in bed wishing he was anywhere else.  He wasn’t in pain.  In that moment I knew without a doubt that he was happy to see me.  The very next breath all of that changed.  His eyes dulled, his smile turned into a grimace, and he shoved my hand away from him.  I opened my mouth to question him, but he cut me off.  His voice wasn’t as deep and powerful as it was years before, but he told me to leave his room.  He didn’t want me there and became very agitated.  That day we had to have the doctor come and give him additional meds to quiet his agitation.   That was the day I lost my uncle.  It took me years to realize that he wasn’t angry with me and didn’t hate me.  Instead, he was trying to protect me.  He didn’t want me to see him as he was.  He didn’t want me to be the one to help him in his condition._

  _Then I was back at a neighbor’s house.  We were all standing in the hall outside a closed door.  The husband, Mr. Brown, was standing beside me trying to look stoic.  My mom came out of the room followed by the doctor and my mother shook her head us.  As she hung her head and walked away the meaning of that small gesture hit the husband.  Next thing I knew, Mr. Brown was collapsing into my arms, sobbing.  As the body was removed and everyone bustled around us, I stood there holding a neighbor that had broken his leg in four places jumping out of a tracker without shedding one tear.  This man that seemed indestructible was now crumpling with the news of his wife’s passing.  She had finally lost her battle with breast cancer._

  _Then I was at our cousin’s house.  Everyone was sitting around in the livingroom and the air was heavy with grief.  Glen had passed about an hour or so before.  I was there when it happened, but I was still trying to process everything.  Glen’s decent was quick, but definitely not painless.  My mother was comforting his wife on the couch and my father had taken the children outside to get them out of the way.  I was in the bedroom with Glen and the undertaker.  The undertaker’s assistant was out on another call, so I was recruited to assist with the loading and transport of the body.  Unfortunately, the doorways were too small for the gurney to fit, so we’d have to bag him, and then carry him out.  I remember helping draw the zipper past Glen’s face and feeling like there had to be more to death than this.  We all live trying to make these grand lives to show everything we’ve accomplished, but at the end of it there is just a bag and a zipper and your life ceases to exist.  Trying to shake where my mind was headed, I readied myself to pick up my half of Glen and trying to make it through the house without having to stop.  We stepped into the livingroom and everyone’s heads snapped up and their eyes focused on the body.  We passed by the wife and suddenly I wasn’t able to move forward.  Suddenly, there was a flurry of smacks, pulling, cursing, and nails.  I finally broke free as my mother got a new hold on the wife’s arms, but not before my t-shirt sleeve ripped until it hung off my arm and I could feel cool air on my back._

  _I felt something drop on my hands that were clenched in front of me and snapped me out of the memory.  The weight and frequency startled me, so I looked down to see large drops of water on my hands. What? Why is there water on my hands?  Right then something inside me broke and I began to sob.  Tears ran down my face and dropped to my shirt, hands, and the floor.  I heard a wretched wailing and wondered briefly where the sound was coming from.  It was me.  I soon slipped from the chair to the floor and curled myself into a ball.  I tried to cover myself with my hands and if I could have rocked, I might have in that moment.  I cried until I ran out of tears.  I sobbed until my stomach felt like it was tearing out of my body.  My muscles screamed to be stretched.  I don’t want to be like the others.  I don’t want to wait while something eats away at me until I’m not me.  I don’t want to waste away waiting for……my breath stopped again as I suddenly realized what my mind had been thinking all this time.  I don’t want a stranger to pull that zipper over my life telling me that I am done.  I don’t want to die!_

  _Before I had time to think I had already hit my speed dial number and the phone was ringing.  I don’t want to die!_

  _“Hey there, chief!  What’s up?”  Val’s voice spilled out of my phone.  I opened my mouth several times in an attempt to speak, but nothing would come out.  “Hello?”  She paused again.  “Rhi did you butt dial me again?!”_

  _“V…”  I choked back a sob.  Her voice spread over me like a blanket. “Val.”  It came out in a whisper._

  _“Rhi?  What’s wrong, sweetie?”  I could hear the immediate change in her voice and a small part of me became comforted by her worry.  “Rhi, you need to talk to me.”  She had switched from panic to a soothing voice to try to coax me into the conversation._

  _“Val.” I took a moment to swallow.  “I need…..I have…..” The words just wouldn’t come.  The blanket her words made seemed to evaporate and the cold began to sink back into me.  I’m not ready to die!_

  _“Rhi, what is it?  What do you need?”  She waited and I could tell she was listening very closely to me._

  _“Val.  Its….I have….”  I took in a big breath hoping it would make the words easier to say.  “Cancer.”  The word came out as a whisper and I couldn’t choke back the sob that ripped from my throat.  I thought I was void of any more emotions and tears, but obviously my body had rallied for round two._

  _“I’m on my way.”  The line between us went dead.  Her last words settled into me and around me as if it was her there wrapping me up in her arms._

  _Later I awoke to a dark house and confused as to why I was still on the floor.  As I became more aware I felt my body against something, my head lying on something semi soft, and my breath creating a heat that was ricocheting back to my body.  I began to move away from whatever I was against, but I was stilled by pressure on my waist and back.  I took a breath and knew it was Val.  I opened my eyes and moved my head back to see her more clearly.  I then realized WHY she was holding me, on my floor and the reality of the situation slammed back into me with more shock than throwing ice water over my head.  As my breath caught a small sob escaped, tears sprang back to my eyes, and seeped down my cheeks.  I squeezed my eyes shut with as much force as I could and fisted Val’s shirt in my hands trying to pull myself closer to her._

  _“Shhh, it is okay.” Val whispered in my ear as her arms tightened around me again.  More tears escaped and the fear that was forgotten with my sleep fog now sat in the room with a thick, heavy feel.  “I am here and we will be okay.”_

  _Her words made my tears flow harder.  I burrowed my head under Val’s chin just to make sure that she was physically there and not my mind playing tricks. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone.  I needed to know that in my darkest moment, there was another person in the world that wanted what I wanted and would help me._

  _The words came out as a broken whisper, fighting through my sobs and her shirt to be heard, “I don’t want to die.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this is full of big, bad, and ugly right now. But I promise that light, cheery moments are ahead. Remember that the main character just stepped into a battle that she doesn't really know how to fight. With that looming battle, her mind keeps flipping back on her past to relive parts of her existence. These aren't to see how bad things can be, but show that she's a fighter.
> 
> Thank you for giving this a chance. I hope you stick around to see more of Rhiannon's journey. I will try to post a chapter each week.


	2. The Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: Flashbacks are in italics and will have a page separator of ******************* before and after the flashback.

**Rhi**

The last few days have been insane and exhausting.  I’ll admit it right now, I fear cancer.  I fear the unknown of my future.  I fear not only what I may go through, but I fear the anguish I might see in the eyes of those that love me.  I take a moment to take a few deep breaths and glance out the window that overlooks the back of the house.  Today is important to me, but I dread it all the same. Today I get to spend time with all of my friends, actually, they are my chosen family.  I have them ALL together.  Val is here from my childhood and the new family I found when I uprooted my life and moved.  I stare at the small groups that gather, disperse, and regather in another location.  That is my life standing in my backyard.  That is my family that represents everything I grew from and everything I am.

        Man, I am nervous as hell! How do you stand in front of those you love and utter THOSE three words?  When Val suggested I started calling the troops, I picked up the phone to make the first call and froze.  How can someone just pick up the phone, interrupt someone’s life to drop a bomb shell, close the call, and repeat?  It was hard enough mumbling those words to Val a week ago, so I knew I wasn’t strong enough to repeat it.  Instead, I decided to invite everyone to my place and throw a party.  I feel guilty about throwing the party.  Yes, I know that actually sounds as insane as it is, but I feel like I should be wallowing in self-despair or something.  I feel like I shouldn’t be able to laugh because when I answered the phone a week ago my life should cease to have anything funny about it.  I feel like I’m faking my way through everything and any minute my bubble will burst.   What do I do when the bubble bursts?  Why can’t I laugh?  I moved the curtain an inch or so to allow me a better view of the backyard.  Why can’t I just go out there and mingle and pretend that I’m okay with everything?  Why can’t my heart stop beating in my ears and my feet actually begin to move?

          “You ready?”  Val’s voice startles me.  How did I not hear her leave her room?  I look over my shoulder at her and have to quickly hide any reaction that I might have.  Val’s eyes are red and puffy.  Her face is slightly blotchy and I can tell where her tears streamed down her face.  She even has a couple of wet drops on her t-shirt, but I try to act like I don’t notice.  This is part of what I fear.  This reaction.  The tears. The emotions.

            I look back through the window to the outside trying to get my emotions back under control. I take a deep breath, find my center, feel the ground under my feet, and exhale letting it take any emotions I have with it.  I can do this.  I run my hand down my stomach to the waist of my shorts to make sure that my shirt is tucked in properly.  I continue my hands down the front and back of my shorts as if I can make all my wrinkles disappear.  Val’s laughter pulls me from my last minute prep.

            “What?” I turn to give her my full attention.

             “Your nervous twitches are so adorable!”  She hides part of her smile behind her hand and tries to hold back more chuckles.

             “What nervous twitches?”

             “Oh My God!”  She exclaims loud enough that I’m sure they heard her outside.  “You don’t even realize you have them!”  Her eyes begin to glisten, not with unshed tears, but with laughter and light that wasn’t there just a few minutes ago.  I just stare at her, probably like she has three heads because for the life of me I don’t understand what she is saying.  “You always check yourself over.”

             “And you don’t check yourself over before you go somewhere?”  Gotcha, Val!  I know for a fact that she has to stop by the mirror before leaving the house to make sure that her hair and makeup is just so-so or that her shirt still goes with her skin tone.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been left holding open the house door waiting on her to finish her last minute checks.

             “Oh, most people do.”  She says in all seriousness.  “But you, well, you do it randomly and it usually is when your mind is overworked.”  I just stare at her as she laughs at me again.  “Forget it.  Let’s get out there and mingle!”

             With that Val turns to leave my room and I follow her.  We quietly make it through the house.  I can hear Val’s soft chuckles every few seconds as she is still amused about me and my, well, I guess my nervous ticks as she puts it.  With every step closer to the main rooms and the patio doors, the sicker I feel.  This ball of weight seems to have found itself in my stomach and my body doesn’t know if it should accept it, compensate for it, or if it should expel it from my body.  I beg my body to embrace the dread because I refuse to meet all of my guests by throwing-up everywhere.

                     

            We break out into the evening air and I pause to observe the party before anyone realizes that I’m there.  I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful evening as there was a cold front working through the area.  So, the humidity that choked me earlier in the day was noticeably absent from the air and in its place was breeze that did just enough to make the middle 80s seem tolerable.  All of my friends were mingling and it made me happy that many of the smaller groups held a good mix of people.  In fact, I felt relieved that the entire crowd seemed to be getting along.  I don’t know how many get-togethers I had been to where the different groups of individuals from the different parts of a person’s life just did not go together.  It made for some very uncomfortable situations and REALLY long evenings.

           “Rhiannon!”  I looked over to see Caitlin heading in my direction and I smiled.  “It is so GOOD to see you again and be here.”  She stepped directly into my personal space and gathered me up in a smothering hug.  At first my body started to tense in response to my personal space being disregarded, but then I completely relaxed into her hug, embracing her back.  Prior to my current friends, I never really hugged anyone and didn’t really understand why everyone enjoyed the activity.  Don’t get me wrong, I was hugged as a child, but it always seemed like something you did out of obligation to your family.  By the time I was ten, I stopped offering hugs or being open to receiving them.   Now?  Now, I understood exactly what a hug could do and what it could mean.  Words could fail you in the most critical moments, but a hug always said everything you needed to say.  Hugs were no longer an invasion of my personal space, but something I craved.  I craved the energy of a hug.  The warmth.  I craved the love offered through a hug.

             “Caitlin!”  I squeezed her tighter to me and then let her go.  “I’m so happy that you were able to make it.  I hope that you are enjoying yourself.  I know these North Carolina summer days might be brutal to your Chicagoan seasoned body.”

            “That is what the pool is for!”  She laughed and held eye contact for a few moments.  “Well, I’m off to find some more to eat and you have more people to greet.  Find me later?”

           “Sure thing.”

             No sooner did Caitlin walk away, than another group caught my eye and waved me over.  I spent my next thirty minutes making my rounds to greet everyone that had shown up.  Almost every group I walked up to, everyone needed a hug hello.  This fact made it feel like I had done the right thing by inviting everyone to me. After my hellos, I made my way back up onto the deck and went to check on Elle and Josh who were grilling the meat for our party.  Once I made sure they were okay and would be finished in the next fifteen minutes or so, I then moved on to George, Sam, and T.  These three were sitting out the side dishes, chips, and eatery items.  The last group I checked in on was Kam and Phil who were sitting up the drink station.

            “You’ve socialized.  You’ve checked to make sure everything is running smoothly.  Are you going to stop stalling and just do this?”  Val gently grabbed my arm and led me away from the drink table.

             “Well, “I took a deep breath and let it rush back out, hoping it would take my jitters with me.  “I thought I’d talk about it once we are all seated.”  I quickly looked over the backyard just to avoid making eye contact with Val.

            “Get the bad over with and then the rest of the night can be all about a party and having a good time with family.”

             I just nodded to her because there really wasn’t a response. I took another deep, cleansing breath before Val gently nudged me toward the picnic tables.   Val did a light whistle to get everyone’s attention and motioned for everyone to begin sitting at the picnic tables lined up. I pulled up a bench to the end of one of the tables and watched as the final dishes were laid out and everyone settled into a seat.  Everyone began loading their plates and a low murmur of conversation already began.  I took the opportunity to look around the table and let the love between everyone wash over me and give me strength.  I turned to Val and nodded.

             Val rapped her knuckles on the wooden table and cleared her through a little louder than normal before she began to talk.  “Rhiannon would like everyone’s attention for a quick announcement and then all you leaches can go back to consuming the free booze and food.”  Val’s tone was sarcastic and there were a few chuckles across the crowd.

             “You two are finally announcing your engagement?”  A bigger laugh erupted T brought up an old joke, but everyone seemed to have heard it or was just being polite.

             “I want pictures of the honeymoon!”  Monica bellowed from the back.

             “Poor Ayden!” Rita stated to the crowd.

             “More like, Lucky Bastard!” Jordan replied.  This had everyone erupting again.  However, soon the crowd died down and everyone’s attention was on me.

             “First, I want to thank everyone for clearing your schedules to be here on short notice. I am sorry that this was all kind of the last minute, but who really needs a notice to party?” I paused to allow the small amount of laughter to end.  Most of the guys and a few of the girls held up their drinks and agreed by giving a small “hell yeah” reply.  “Second, I want to say that tonight is all about catching up and having some fun.  However, before we can get to that order of business, I have a few announcements. First, if you are drinking, please be mindful of the pool.  That means no puking in the pool!”  I glanced at a few of my family members that had been previous offenders and found them all red with embarrassment and receiving elbows to their sides as jeering from the group. I took the few seconds while the group got quiet again to swallow the last of my fear and gather all of the courage I could muster. “That’s the end of those type of announcements, but I do have something else I need to say.  Each of you here tonight are my family.  Whether you knew me as a kid with pig tails or the rather strange, geeky person I am now, you each are special to me and I love you. I uh,” I could feel the sweat that was gathering at my temples and between my shoulder blades begin to run.  I felt my smile disappear and I hoped my voice wouldn’t quiver.  “I received some news this week that needs to be shared, but I wasn’t sure how to make that many phone calls.”  I paused again trying to magically find the right words or find a way that made this easier, but I was at a loss.  “Look, I really don’t know how to put this, so I’m just going to blurt it out.  I was told this week that I have cancer.” The silence that suddenly came over my entire backyard seemed to emphasize the way my voice broke on the word cancer. I rushed on so I wouldn’t lose my nerve.  “I have thyroid cancer.  I really don’t have much more information at this time, but I meet with the surgeon at the beginning of next week.  I was told that I’ll most likely need a complete removal of the thyroid and probably some radiation.”  The group was still quiet and I stared at the middle of the table afraid to make eye contact with anyone.  Val gripped my hand that was on the table and gave it a squeeze for encouragement.  “Listen, I’m sorry to just kind of throw it out there like this, but I really didn’t know how to make repeated phone calls and have to say this over and over again.  I don’t want the rest of the evening to be about this news.  I want tonight to be family gathering together to catch up, to celebrate summer, to enjoy each other’s company.  Do not worry, I’m not alone as Val has volunteered to stay with me for however long is needed and we will let everyone know what is going on when we know.  So, the rest of tonight needs to be about food, drinks, family, and fun!”

             “See, they are announcing their engagement!  Val is moving in!”  Thank goodness T brought the conversation full circle and got everyone to break out into laughter.  I think everyone needed that to break the ice and reset the tone of the party.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

            “Sam!  Sam, don’t you DARE!”  I turned quickly to search for the destressed voice and instantly relaxed.  Sam had come up behind Val and currently had her lifted off the ground.  “Sam!”  Val shrieked as he took off in an awkward jog and splashed them both into the pool fully clothed.  Val came up sputtering water out of her mouth and fixing Sam with a glare that would have had me shaking in my boots.  I sighed with content as some things never change.

             It was well past ten and I couldn’t have asked for a better party.  I was able to catch up with everyone in-depth.  Everyone had pictures of their kids or their pets on their phone and I had to see every one of them.  I enjoyed how happy my family was and the directions their lives were headed.  I lost count of the times that I was told, so-and-so said to tell Auntie Rhi hello!  It reiterated why these people were my chosen family.  It still boggled my mind on occasion that all of these people accepted me into their life and into the lives of their children without asking me to hide myself or anything about my life.  I am very blessed.

           The rest of the evening consisted of more pranks.  A few more people ended up in the pool both voluntarily and others had a helping hand place them in the pool.  Overall, the entire evening was everything I had hoped it would be for the past week.  Yeah, for the first hour or so people approached me asking what I needed or what they could do to help.  But then, we all just went back to just catching-up and having a good time.

             I turned around from watching the latest pool victim come up spitting water from their mouth and glaring at the one that pushed her in and meet a hard surface that immediately brought tears to my eyes from the sting it invoked. My eyes shot up to the woman in front of me and my hand reached for my right cheek.  Before I had time to react any further, she had already slapped my left cheek as well.

            “What the fuck, Monica?”  I said a little louder than I had planned.  This grabbed the attention of the remaining party goers that hadn’t witnessed the slaps.

            “How dare you, Rhi!”  Monica looked pissed off and she had tears threatening to spill.  I searched my head trying to figure out why she was mad at me.  “How dare you lure us here, just to tell us that you are sick!  Do you realize that this is the FIRST time we’ve been able to find a sitter for Liz, since she was born, and we were looking forward to spending some adult time with our friends. But, no, you had to make your announcement!”  She teetered a bit when her hand gestures became exaggerated and I could smell alcohol on her breath.

            “Monica, I think that is enough.” Kam had managed to appear beside his wife.

            “No, don’t tell me it is enough! She ruined my adult night out!”  She turned back to me while pushing Kam farther away.  “Don’t you realize how much your news affected me and then you tell me to just carry on with my night as if it doesn’t matter?  I’m sorry, I can’t do that!  Don’t ever lure me over with the hopes of a good party when you need to tell me something.  That is just unfair!”

            “Monica!”  Kam became louder and more persistent this time as he did the whispered yell at his wife. “That is ENOUGH”

             “No it isn’t!  She needs to understand how difficult this is on me!”

             Kam looked at me while mouthing, I’m sorry.  He then guided Monica out of the back yard and toward the gate to lead to the front of the house.  I could hear Monica’s muffled voice until the slam of a car door indicated she was for sure leaving.

 My feet seemed to have rooted to the ground because no matter how many times I told myself to move, I couldn’t.  The party remained muted and a few more people bid me good night before they took their leave.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

            I don’t remember how I made it to my room, but here I am.  I closed and locked my door because I really don’t want to be disturbed and if she really wanted, I don’t think a locked door would deter Val, but I didn’t want to see anyone.  I vaguely remember mumbling goodbyes to people, leaning in for hugs, appropriately laughing where I should, and smiling.  Monica’s words kept echoing through my head.  Maybe I am selfish.  Maybe what I did was wrong.  The whole party was planned to share my news and I didn’t take anyone else’s feelings into account.  Maybe Monica is right.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been told I’m selfish.

 

************************************************************************

 

_“How could you Rhiannon?”  I stared at my mother confused.  “How could you choose how you feel over your own family?  Don’t you know that you are killing your father and I?”_

_“What are you talking about, Mom?”  My mother had called me in a panic this morning and I had rushed the two hours home because I feared that something terrible had happened.  Upon arriving, I found my mother in a full-blown tizzy and my father had left the moment I arrived.  I could see the hate boiling in his eyes, but that wasn’t unusual since I stood up to him._

_"The whole town is talking this morning.  And you don’t even care!”  She was now crying and yelling.  I hated seeing her this worked up and feared what it was doing to her health._

  _“Mom,” I kept my voice soft and I approached her gently.  The only thing I could do when she got to this point was to treat her like a skittish colt.  No sudden movements, keep my voice soft and calm, and gently talk her back from the ledge.  If only I knew what had set her off.  “What’s the town talking about?”_

  _“YOU!”  I ducked quickly as she threw her glass at my head.  Spittle flew out of her mouth with every breath and her hands were shaking as they were balled into fists.  She reminded me of a rabid dog when she got this angry and I feared she’d have another stroke or throw herself into a heart attack._

  _“Me?”  My voice remained calm._

  _“Why can’t you just be normal?  Why couldn’t you date Steve?  He’s the most eligible bachelor and you never even looked his way.  Why do you have to be perverted and sinful?  WHY?”_

  _“What happened, Mom?”  She plopped down into the kitchen chair and began to bang her fist on the table with every point._

  _“What did you do last night?”  I opened my mouth to speak, but her fist came down on the table stopping my words.  “Who were you with?”  Bang!  “Why, Rhiannon?”  Bang!  “You were with that WHORE!” Bang! Bang!  “You were out being with the devil’s mistress and condemning your soul to HELL!”  BANG!  A few pieces of silverware clattered to the floor and the house became silent.  “Answer me, child!”_

  _My mother’s voice was controlled calm through the rage.  She was staring through me and most of her muscles were tensed as if she was going to spring into action.  My whole body shriveled and I knew that I could present Jesus Christ himself and it wouldn’t make any difference to her.  She had crossed her own boundaries and wouldn’t really hear anything I had to say now, but I had to try or I would regret not saying anything later.  I tried not to see the wild look in her eye or the tears that still streamed down her face.  Too many times I had caved to whatever she desired just so I wouldn’t cause her more pain._

  _“She’s not a whore.”  My mother smacked her open hand onto the table and sprung up into my face.  Maybe that wasn’t the best way to start, but it was the truth.  “Mom, please, just listen to me.”_

  _“LISTEN to YOU?”  I saw her hand raise and I knew what was coming, but I didn’t get a chance to block it before it burned my cheek.  “I CAN’T listen to you because I have to listen to EVERYONE else.  HOW could you?  How can you be so selfish?  Is the sex great?  Can’t you get it anywhere else?  No, you just HAVE to take your private shit to the public.  Well, YOUR life is now making US look bad.  WE might as well have our souls condemned as well.”  She raised her hand again and this time I was able to grab her wrist before she connected with my cheek, but this just enraged her more.  She began to frantically slap at me with her other hand.  “You will STOP this nonsense!  You will STOP being so god damned childish!  You will NOT ruin MY life!!”_

  _“No.”  I kept my voice controlled and refused to yell.  I took a step back to get out of her reach and released her wrist.  “I’ve done everything you have ever asked, but I won’t do this.  I respect you and dad, I respect your wishes and never bring my “perversion” home.  I pretend to be someone I’m not, just so you can feel better, but I’m done.  I’m done, Mom.”_

  _I stepped to the side and walked around her.  It was time to leave.  Just like the day I stood up to my father, I knew that my visits back to the farm was very few if non-existent.  I had tried to equal out my life between my parents’ beliefs and being my own person.  It was never good enough.  Hell, I could date Steve and something would be wrong with that.  It was at that moment that I knew that although I respected my parents, I couldn’t let them control any aspect of my life.  I had to do my own thing and make my own way.  My mother followed me through the house, out the door, and even to my car.  She was screaming at me, but I didn’t hear her words.  I got into my car and left._

  

***************************************************************************************

 

            I wiped at my eyes and continued to watch the moon reflect on the pool.  Maybe I am wrong to want to live my own life.  Maybe I shouldn’t have disrespected my mother like I did that day.  No matter how many times I was told I was nothing more than trash, I tried to smooth things over.  I tried to show my love and respect to my parents by constantly compromising my own beliefs, my own self-esteem to only be yelled at and told I should repent.

            I know that standing up to my parents was the right thing to do for my sanity, but maybe I am just too full of myself.  Is it wrong that I wanted to surround myself with those I love to share this news?  Maybe I do need to just sit on it all and bear this burden alone.  I should send Val home to her family.  I shouldn’t have called her that night.  I should have just dealt with it all and sat on the info.  The doctor told me this would be a walk in the park, so no one would be any the wiser that I was having anything done.  I am selfish for wanting to feel the love and support of my family; just like with Mom.

            What is done, is done and I can’t take it back now.  All I can do is move forward, but be mindful of how much I share or lean on people through this.  I need to remember that this is my burden and my burden alone, and I can’t ask anyone to walk this path with me.  This is my fight.


	3. Appointment and The Coffee Shop

**Rhi**

When I received my dreaded phone call from my doctor, she explained that she was putting in a referral to an Endocrine surgeon.  She explained that the surgeon was one of the best and if she had to have her thyroid out, this would be the guy she’d go to. She had said that she would send me to a great surgeon, one that she would use herself if needed. She reiterated that there was no rush for surgery, but she would try to push me up the list as the surgeon was a personal friend.  To my surprise, I was on the books with the surgeon, Dr. Causte, within a week from my initial diagnosis.   When I got to my appointment things went really well, until they did an ultrasound of my neck.  The surgeon advised that he did this on all of his patients to just get an idea of what he was looking at and to help determine treatment options.  I was sitting in a chair with my head leaned back as far as possible so he could have access to as much of my neck as possible.  As he is running the warm, sticky wand over my neck he starts making side comments.  I wondered if he even knew he was talking out loud, so I stayed silent to let him continue to talk through things.  He mumbled about definitely cancer and then asks me about two additional nodules on my thyroid that wasn’t mentioned in my file.  I confirm that I only knew about two and they were right next to each other. He gently stated that I had two nodules in the left lobe that didn’t seem to be fully cancerous, but they are suspicious.

This sends my mind reeling with the possibilities that these nodules in my neck suddenly have a choice if they are going to stay clean, or go to the dark side.  I picture these two cartoon drawings of pink blobs with some white and black spots leaned against a run-down building while wearing black leather jackets while two other fully pink blogs stand a few feet away.  A whole dialog of words in bubbles occur over their heads.  Basically, these two new pink blogs are weighing if they want to step through to the “dark” side and do what all the “cool” kids are doing.

As quickly as the image came into my mind, it disappears as I feel the doctor cleaning my neck and telling me that he recommends immediate surgery for me.  He goes on to explain he has a full schedule, but he is going to make a space for me as I need to get my thyroid out.  I try to look into the doctor’s eyes, but he avoids my gaze.  I take a deep breath and feel his unease, but it doesn’t feel untrustworthy.  No, it feels like urgency and I don’t like that feeling.  I don’t like that he busies himself by making notes in my chart that seem more dramatic and with a harder grip than previously.  I glanced over to Val.  She sat very still, staring at the floor, and was pale.  I agreed to the quick surgery and the doctor’s unease seemed to lessen.  It didn’t go away, but it lessened.  As Dr. Causte led us toward his surgery coordinator’s office, he grasped my hand, looked me square in the eye, and assured me that we were in the fight together.  I studied his eyes to see if this was a gimmick that he told all his cancer patients, but his eyes held nothing by sincerity.

For the remainder of the appointment, I felt like his staff looked at me different.  I could see a sadness in their eyes when they looked at me, smiled, and wished me a good day or as they passed us in the hall.  I wondered in that moment if that is how all cancer patients feel.  You walk in and everyone is pleasant and professional.  But then the word of your diagnosis spreads and the look in people’s eyes change.  It is almost like a wave crashing over people before you get there.  Or how people look when they greet you at a funeral.  I didn’t like it as it added to the swirling of my emotions.

I stayed silent after leaving the doctor.  Val seemed to sense that I needed time and space right now.  Just a moment to wrap my head around everything, take a breath, and then we would charge ahead.  Surgery in 5 days.  Talk about shocked.  What the hell?  Why couldn’t someone just come to me with it straight?  Who is right? Why did my normal physician tell me this is no big deal, but then Dr. Causte re-arranges his schedule to get me in sooner rather than later?

I felt a touch on my arm and looked down to find Val’s hand resting against my forearm.  I looked up at her and immediately wished I hadn’t.  The only word that began to describe her, in that moment, is lost.  I shouldn’t have let her come to the appointment.  I shouldn’t ask her to stay.  What if it is asking more than a friendship can weather?  No, I couldn’t think like that.  Not now.  If I thought about losing Val on top of dealing with all of this, I would undoubtedly lose my mind.  Go ahead and take the keys to my padded room up on floor 7 with all the others that have gone mad.

Val didn’t need to say anything in that moment.  As we stood there waiting for the slow elevator to make an appearance, in the quiet of the hallway, I knew Val was asking me how I was and telling me that she’d be there to the end.  I only hoped that my own small closed-lipped-half-smile and small nod told her everything she needed to know.  I’m going to say that I’m okay because that is what I need to pretend at this time.  I need to hold onto the illusion that I am okay and that this is just a walk in the park like everyone keeps telling me.  I need for Val to feel the strength and confidence in my statement.  I need the world not to see anything other than another person walking down the hall, riding in an elevator, exiting the hospital.  Just another person. I need to fake it until I make it.

The ride down to the lower level of the hospital was almost as slow as waiting for the blasted cage to begin with, but unfortunately the stairs weren’t near the elevators.  As the doors slid open, I could detect the smell of coffee.  Coffee that carried that delicious smell, in the hospital, could only mean one thing.  The Coffee Shop.  Yep, that is just what I needed after the appointment I had.  I need a boost of energy and a healthy dose of Astrid.

“Want to stop for a cup of coffee?”  I asked Val already setting my feet on the course to the small coffee stand area.

“Coffee?  This late?”  Val redirected herself and started to follow me.

“Well, there should be something decaf if you are worried, or we might be able to have something special made for you.”  She looked at me strangely as I continued to lead us down the hall that would bring us to the small sitting area that held the coffee shop.

I didn’t wait for a confirmation from Val as I had made up my mind.  I was going to get coffee today.  As I rounded the last corner, I could already see Astrid behind the counter filling orders.  I met Astrid about a year ago when she first opened the shop.  She had a beautiful complexion that highlights the best part of the Swedish and Korean.  If you didn’t know her heritage, then you’d never guess it.  When I first met her I couldn’t make up my mind if she was Latina, Polynesian, or something altogether different.  Regardless, she is beautiful.  She has the skin tone that darkens just enough in the summer to be a deep bronze, but never washes out fully in the winter.  Her hair would lie just past her shoulders, but she constantly kept putting it in a bun or pony-tail while working.  It almost seemed to be her nervous twitch while talking as she’d always start to redo her hair.  She has gorgeous brown eyes that could make even the toughest person do anything she wanted with a small pout. However, her best feature was her smile.  She has that kind of smile that can say a thousand different things without saying anything at all.  The only thing that begins to compare to her smile is her laugh.  I feel very blessed when I’m graced with a natural smile and laugh from her, my mood is instantly better.  I walk up to the counter and pull Val along with me.  I catch Astrid’s eye while we are waiting for her to finish with her other customers and I point out a few items on the menu that Val might like.

“Rhiannon.”  I knew before I turned to look at her that she was already smiling.

“Hey there, Pip!”  I turned to greet her and loved that her smile got even bigger after using her nickname I had given her.

“Always with the Pip thing.  Sheesh!”  She chuckled.  “So, how are you doing, Rhiannon?”

“Don’t you worry about me, I’ll always come out on top.”  I had finally learned that Astrid was adopted and her parents named her Astrid after Astrid Lindgren.  Ms. Lindgren was the author of a children’s series with a fictional character named Pippi Longstocking.  So, I gave Astrid the nickname Pip as a way to tease her.  I had looked up information about this character and had committed a few of the more famous quotes to memory to use in conversations from time to time.  When I was able to slip one into the conversation, like I just did, Astrid’s eyes would brighten further and I’d almost swear a blush was almost present.  So, while she let the words sink in between us, I returned her smile with one of my own.  Yes, this was just what I needed today.  Sometimes an excellent made coffee drink and conversation with Astrid could help make things better in my world.  I always left feeling lighter, happier, and always a little sad that our shared time had to end.

 “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you, Rhiannon.”  Astrid took a breath to continue. but suddenly her smile disappeared and she closed her mouth.

Astrid’s sudden change in demeanor was odd, but maybe she saw someone she disliked in the hall.  I turned to Val, who had moved closer to me.  I placed our coffee orders and then let the people behind us order.  I scanned the hall looking for anything that might have triggered Astrid’s troubled look, but couldn’t find anything.  So, I let it go and made a note that I’d have to ask her about it sometime when we were alone and she could freely talk.

I looked up to see Bridget, one of Astrid’s employees, walking toward us with two perfect Frappuccino drinks.  When I had first met Astrid, I thought she was a manager for the coffee shop, but I later found out that she actually owned the shop.  It still amazes me how much she is hands-on with every aspect of her business.  I’ve seen her mopping the floors at closing time, helping with morning prep for opening, and often chipping in where needed during the busier moments.  Instead of creating a tense environment when she is around, like I’ve seen happen in several establishments when the manager or owner is present, she actually calms everyone down.  Each of her employees respects her and never has a negative thing to say.  I reached out to grab the drinks from Bridget, but she held them just out of my reach.  She handed Val her drink and then handed me mine.  She had the back of the cup facing me and tapped the glass twice before letting me take the cup from her.  When I held the cup closer I saw that Astrid had left me with a quote of her own.   _“There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.” – Khalil Gibran_

I couldn’t help but smile at the quote.  In one of our many conversations over the past year, I had revealed that I loved the writings of Khalil Gibran and thought that he captured the human emotions perfectly with some of his poems.  I looked up from my cup toward the counter.  I met Astrid’s eyes, smiled, and nodded to her.  It was a perfect quote for me, on this day.  I continued to hold Astrid’s look as I was again thrown by how insightful my friend was for me.  I felt something lightly hit my arm and drew my gaze down to see a straw being offered to me from Val for my drink.  I grabbed the straw and glanced back up to Astrid.  Her smile had disappeared again and she turned away to fix something with one of the machines.  I would definitely need to stop back by to see my Pip and find out what was behind the solemn looks.

  

**Val**

The ride home from the hospital was very quiet.  In fact, the only conversation that we held that was more than one or two word answers was to discuss dinner options.  I couldn’t tell what Rhi was thinking about more, the visit with the surgeon, or our coffee experience.  I let Rhi have her quiet time, but I still stole glances in her direction to make sure she was okay.  Rhi was one of those people that will think over a situation and then out of nowhere, either hours or days later, blurt out her decision.  I remember once when we were nine and Rhi had to make a decision on what kind of cake to have for her tenth birthday.   I had asked her probably twenty times what her decision was within those first two hours.  Her only response was that she was thinking on it.  Two days later she finally blurted out german chocolate cake over dinner with her parents.  Everyone stared at me like I was supposed to understand what she was talking about.  I’m sure this is the same scenario and she’ll tell me about it when she is ready.

Over dinner I just could not wait any longer to press Rhi about our coffee experience.  I had waited for an opening to casually work into the conversation, but it didn’t happen.  Rhi hadn’t asked if I liked my coffee or offered any more information about the woman we spoke with.  The same woman who wrote on the back of her cup and the quote just happened to be by one of Rhi’s favorite authors.  Not to mention how both of them were shamelessly flirting with each other.  Oh, there is definitely a story here.

“Thank you for the coffee today.”  I stopped everything to watch Rhi closely.

“You are welcome.”  She glanced up from her plate with a smile already planted.  “It is the best around.  I haven’t found anywhere that even gives it a run for its money.”

“We will have to stop in when we have to go back.”  The smile disappeared from her face and her eyes dulled.  Dang!  Wrong meaning.  “The barista seemed friendly.”

“Astrid?”  The light immediately came back to her eyes.  Now, if she just took the bait.

“Is that her name? I thought you called her Pip.”  This was met with a low chuckle and a huge smile appearing on Rhi’s lips.

“That’s my nickname for her.  I like to give her a hard time over her name and who she was named after.”  She paused to chuckled some more.  “Astrid’s mother loved the Pippi Longstocking stories and named her after Astrid Lindgren.  So, I call her Pip.”  This brought a chuckle from us both.

“She definitely doesn’t look like a Pippi Longstocking.”  Rhi was willingly nibbling on the bait, so it was time to go in for the kill.

“No she doesn’t.”  Rhi continued to eat without elaborating.

“That was quite the message on your coffee.”

“Astrid’s always giving me a quote of some kind.  Sometimes it is from an author, movie, or even old Indian sayings.”

“This happens every time you get coffee?”

“Not every time, but always on the days we don’t get to chat for very long.”  She pushed her plate away and sat back in her seat.  I tried to act like I was just playing with friendly conversation and began to push my food around on my plate.  “What do you want to know?”

“Huh?”  I tried to act confused.

“Val, don’t play me for a fool.  You are after something.  Why don’t you just come out and ask instead of all of these mind games?”

“I was just curious about the lady today.  You’ve never really mentioned her, but yet it seems like you have a deeper relationship than acquaintances.  She wasn’t at the cook-out, so I know she’s not in the inner circle for you.”  She continued to stare at me and I became uncomfortable.  “I just wanted to know where she fit in.”

“Why?”  She smirked.  “You jealous?”

“What?”  I gasped.  “Jealous of what?”

“Val, no one is swooping in on your territory for best friend.  You have nothing to worry about.”  She stood up to clear her dishes from the table and I had trouble letting the words sink in.  Jealous of a friendship.  Nope, I think Rhi is in denial or reading the situation wrong.

“No, Rhiannon.  I’m not worried about someone trying to step into your life in my role.  I was merely curious about the woman that my sister was so openly flirting.”  Rhi’s dishes clattered into the sink, but I didn’t hear anything break.

“What?”  She almost squeaked and it was my turn to smirk.

“Flirting.  You know that thing you were doing?  Oh and don’t forget that she was throwing back everything you were dishing.”  Rhi opened her mouth a few times to try to speak, but closed it in frustration.

“I don’t think you know what you are talking about.”  Uh-oh, now she sounded like she was ready to be defensive.

“It is okay, Rhi.”  I stood up and neared her at the sink.  “I can tell that you are intrigued by her and I merely wanted to know more about the woman that has captured your attention.”  She let out a deep breath and I could visibly see her body deflate.

“She’s the owner, not just the barista.  We met a little over a year ago and things just got more familiar with her.  I’m not flirting and we aren’t quite to friend status, but we aren’t just people meeting in the all every day with a hello.”  She looked up at me.  “I was flirting?”

The sincerity of her eyes cut-off my laugh completely.  My heart went out to her.  I knew deep down that Rhi was just being herself with Astrid and doing what came natural to her.  But, she had no idea that this was flirting.  Rhi can walk into a room and tell you if someone is honest or what they are feeling, but she can’t identify flirting until you beat her over the head.  It is endearing and heartbreaking all at the same time.

“Yes, Rhi, you were flirting and doing a damn good job of it.”  Rhi began picking lint off her shirt that wasn’t there.  I could tell she was now nervous and her mind immediately flipped into overdrive.  “And don’t worry, Astrid was flirting right back.”  Her hands stilled, her head snapped up, and her eyes got wide.

“She was?”

I just nodded and her smile returned.  Rhi bid me good night and left the kitchen.  So, she liked the Coffee Shop owner.  Rhi hadn’t shown interest in anyone in a long time.  I know she’d go out on dates some, but very few made it to the second date, and maybe two had ever gotten a third date.  Yes, Rhi was socially awkward at times because of her inability to sense if someone liked her. However, this wasn’t the reason she couldn’t find the right lady.  Plenty of her dates wanted a repeat performance, but she just hadn’t found anyone that intrigued her enough to ask them out again.  Well, until Astrid.  No, they haven’t dated, but Rhi’s actions today spoke louder than anything she could have told me.

The doctor’s visit had not gone as well as either of them hoped and I knew that Rhi was trying to process.  I could almost see the severity of the situation sinking in and taking hold on her.  I won’t lie, when the doctor said he was making room to have her surgery in a week I almost panicked myself.  However, when we stepped out of the elevator, all the negative emotions left her as she placed the smell that wrapped itself around us.  I had almost had to run to keep up with her determined strides.  Then when we arrived, I could tell something was up with how Rhi just paused before she continued to the counter.  I don’t think she was even aware that she did anything.  I could almost feel her muscles relax and the weight of the last hour just drift away.  And when I followed her gaze to see the other woman look up I knew there was more to the picture.

I had intentionally kept a little distance between myself and Rhi as I wanted to observe how things were going to progress.  Even as Rhi had begun to explain the menu to me, she became distracted and then just abandoned it.  Rhi never got distracted when she was explaining something to another person.  She was very focused all the time.  However, when I heard Rhi’s name come from the woman behind the counter, I did a double take.  It was a little breathy, but also full of happiness and surprise.  I had watched them exchanged their hellos and looks until temptation got the better of me.  I slid over by Rhi and gently placed a hand on her arm.  I didn’t need Rhi’s attention, but it was a test for this other woman and she took the bait.  As soon as she spotted me, the friendliness left her whole face.  She was still very pleasant toward me, but she looked from me, to my hand, to Rhi, and back to my hand before she met my eyes with a cold stare.  No, Astrid did not like the closeness I had to Rhi and this made me smile.

If I had to guess, Rhi had never shown up to the coffee shop with another woman.  I was waiting for Rhi to introduce us, but she never did.  That was the other red flag for me as Rhi was always socially polite.  Meaning, she always did the polite thing, like introducing mutual parties meeting.  Heck, she still would introduce me to some of her co-workers even though we knew each other by sight and first name.  That is just Rhi.  She always wants to make everyone around her comfortable.  Not today.  And then there was the message on her cup.  Yep, Rhi was intrigued. Maybe I’d have to venture to the coffee shop while I was waiting on Rhi’s surgery to be complete.


	4. Surgery

**Rhi**

The last few days have flown by with having to notify my manager of how quickly the surgeon wants to do surgery.  My manager has been great through this process.  Officially, I’m still on probation at work as they have a 9 month probation period, but he reassured me that the company would stand behind me with this diagnosis and it would not jeopardize my employment.  That was a huge stress ball off my shoulders. I won’t lie, I had a panic attack to Val about my job and what I was going to do with losing health insurance and fighting cancer.  She assured me that it would work out, but I was still stressing about it.  My manager offered to make a large team announcement for me, but I declined.  I didn’t think I wanted to tell stand in a room while someone talked about my diagnosis and asked everyone to give me patience, or prayers, or whatever he might have said for them to give to me.  I didn’t want to see the reactions on people’s faces.  I didn’t want sympathy.  I didn’t want the job of comforting everyone around me when I couldn’t even comfort myself. Although I didn’t want a huge announcement made, I did feel that I owed a few friends/co-workers an explanation as to why I wouldn’t be in the office for a few weeks.  You’d think that I’ve now had almost two weeks under my belt of telling people I have cancer, but I still find it hard.  I already had issues telling people because I feel like I’m asking for some kind of reaction and that makes me uncomfortable, but this seemed to get worse when I broke down and actually called my mother to tell her about my surgery.

I know I vowed that my blood family didn’t have the right to know about my cancer and that I’d fight without them.  Damn my upbringing, or maybe I should call it brainwashing!  No matter how many times I told myself that I shouldn’t call my family, I eventually broke down out of grief and made the call.  Val and I had already circled through the conversation and tried to come up with every excuse/insult that they could possibly throw at me, but nothing really prepared me for my mother’s words. I could still hear her seething tone in my head echoing specific words and it made me feel even worse.  My mother informed me that is was my devilish and perversions that led God to rain down this punishment on me.  She went on to summarize every sin that I’ve committed that she could remember and told me that there wasn’t forgiveness for someone like me. She told me that I shouldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t deserve to have anyone to support me and that I wasn’t important enough to worry about sharing the news.  Her last parting dig hurt the worse, she told me that she wished I hadn’t called and made her waste a few moments worrying about a cancer diagnosis when I so blatantly deserved to walk through hell. Yeah, my mom just won the mom of the year award.  The phrase, kick a dog while he’s down, came to mind.  I try not to let the words sink in, but for some reason they still find that raw nerve and just strum on it like someone playing the fiddle in an old fashioned country song.

After my conversation with my mother, Val kept reassuring me that people wanted to know, that people wanted to support me.  Not fully convinced, but swayed enough, I decided to go ahead and tell my work friends about what is happening. Even though I only spoke to only a few friends at work, the word still spreads.  The rumor mill at work is horrible.  You could fart and before it left your ass the floor would know.  That is just how it is in an office.  One thing did come from telling so many groups of people about my diagnosis, I learned that there are specific ways that each individual will react.  So, instead of concentrating on what I was saying, I’d concentrate on their reactions so I could categorize them.  Nerd much?  Yep, that is me.

The first type of person, is the one that requires to live in denial.  These are the people that do not react to the information provided to them.  They give a small smile to acknowledge that they have heard the information, but reeks of “I’m sorry”, and then they leave the conversation by either physically walking away or by becoming busy with something else.  It isn’t that they aren’t, or wont’, be supportive, but I think they require themselves to live in denial in order to process.  I’m still trying to determine if the “sorry” smile is their apology for my circumstance or their apology for their non-action and subsequent pretending nothing changed.  I don’t blame them for their reaction.  I’m fully aware that these type of people need the distance and pretending in order to deal with the issue.

Then there is the type of person that immediately looks like a sad puppy and have the need to touch you.  These are the people that look like they are going to cry, but throw their arms around you whether you have that kind of relationship or not.  It reminds me of the old Methodist ways of the “laying of hands”.            Growing up, we’d be called to gather around members of the church that were sick or were going through some personal crisis.  Then the preacher would ask that everyone either touch the person you were gathered around, or if you were unable to touch the person directly to touch a person that was touching the church member.  Once this was done, then a mass prayer was said to God to heal you or your life.  The belief was that by everyone connected and concentrating their energy toward one specific church member, then the power of the healing would be quicker and stronger.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe that physical contact from another person, or even from animals, has many healing power.  But this kind of touch was different to me, it felt heavy with sympathy and sadness.  Although I share affection with my chosen family freely, I was still very reserved to allow just anyone to touch me.  Regardless, these types of people provided instant support and then moved on quickly.

Next is the criers.  These are the people that feel the weight of your words and instantly react with tears.  I like to avoid these types of people if at all possible.  It isn’t because I feel embarrassed by the outpouring of emotion or that I don’t understand that these people just seem to feel deeper, or more dramatically, than others.  No, I like to bypass these people because this is the type of person that I end up having to comfort.  I don’t even know if these individuals realize what they are doing or how they react, but it is the same with each of them.  I explain about my diagnosis, they begin to cry, and then I’m comforting them through their emotions by telling them it is going to be okay, that I am strong, and that the doctors are very positive about everything. These are the ones that exhaust me the most.

The last type of person is the faith supporter.  Now, before I ruffle your feathers, please understand that I believe in faith and putting your faith in a higher power.  However, it is hard to contain my eye-roll after the hundredth “God will heal you.  Just remain strong” speech.  Not once has anyone asked me about my religious preference or thinks that maybe my belief system differs from theirs.  Nope, if you aren’t wearing a hijab then you are assumed to be Christian.  Although the Christian faith is the most popular or default in America, I actually follow my ancestors and am considered Pagan.  I believe in a higher power, but it isn’t contained to one God or one Son that is going to save me.  However, this is not a religious class, so I digress.  It is hard to feel the support of someone that constantly spouts God to me.  Also, it reminds me a lot of my mother, which instantly sours the words and makes the faith supports a sour pill to swallow.

It is odd to think that I’ve already categorized my friends and family into four separate type of supporter, but I still haven’t taken time to really think about my diagnosis.  Hell, the fact I keep saying diagnosis instead of saying cancer, should say enough.  Cancer is the big, bad, curse word that starts with a C.  Okay, maybe it is just another C curse word.  Well, saying I haven’t thought about things isn’t completely accurate either.  The diagnosis is all I can think about, but I haven’t sorted out how I really feel about it or what will happen.  I think I fear knowing the feeling part.  Society states I need to be fearful, depressed, stressed, emotional, etc.  I think I’m just numb.  I’ve been yelled at, slapped, cried on, prayed for, and looked upon with sympathy all for having cancer.  Everyone begins to treat you differently, almost like if they are too close to you it will spread to them. One night I was trying to explain all of these thoughts to Val, and the next morning I had a Pintrest notification for a shirt that says, “I have cancer, not cooties.”  Yes, the perfect shirt to sum up so much about this whole experience.

I came to the lake today directly after work, hoping to catch the sunset and have some time alone.  Tomorrow I start my battle.  Tomorrow I begin my biggest fight to date.  But that is tomorrow.  Tonight, I need to find peace.  Tonight I need to ground myself.  It feels weird to think that there is something growing in me that could eventually kill me.  I find myself pausing at the strangest times to see if I can feel it, sense it, there growing in the cells.  I do this until I think my mind will go mad with the thought and then move on.  I can never feel it.  I know that something isn’t right as I have felt different for some time, but I can’t pinpoint what makes it feel different.  Yes, now I have a name to attach to the feeling.  I have scientific evidence and the knowledge brought about by the hours of research I’ve done over the last few weeks.    

I’ve spent hours combing through support sites to know what individuals have gone through with this diagnosis.  I keep telling myself that it is to be well informed, but I keep praying that once I’m through reading about other people’s experiences that I will be more equipped to finally deal with the emotional side of this, but I never find myself ready.  So, then I move to reading the same research I’ve read before, or looking for support items.  I created a new board on Pintrest and began pinning all kinds of pins.  Both funny and serious.  Some of the pins are just words, but I feel like I will know the inside slam to each of them in the near future.  I keep feeling like I’m missing something. Not physically missing something, but more like there is something just beyond the edges of this knowledge that isn’t connecting with me yet.  Any other day I would worry about not having those dots connecting together, but today I just feel like it will make sense at the exact point that it should and not a moment sooner.

Through all the uncertainty that surrounds tomorrow, I keep finding strength by knowing so many people survived this.  They went through the surgery, the treatment, and are living life today.  If they were strong enough, then I am too.  I’ve had a barrage of messages from my chosen family and friends today. Everyone wants to let me know that I have this and that they are behind me.  Their words give me strength, but the fact they remembered to text or call me means even more.  And as much as I feel their love and that I have lots of support, it almost makes me feel worse about everything.  You see, I’m a perfectionist.  I strive to do everything right, but this isn’t something that I control.  I keep fearing that I’m going to fail at this fight and that is completely on me. No one could step in to fight for me if I got tired.  No one.  Just me.  Just me to stand, looking the enemy in the eye, and pull the trigger.  It was all on my back.

I watched the last rays of the sun disappear from the sky and felt like it was a closing of this chapter of my life.  I had already referred to this section of my life as prior to cancer.  I tried not to think in those terms as I didn’t want to give “it” any more power than it already had in my life.  But it is how it felt.  This was the door closing on a section of me and I was standing ready to open the next door.  I already knew what door would open, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn the knob.  I didn’t want to see what the other side held for me just yet.  I headed home stuck in the middle of the doors and not feeling anything, but alone.

 

**Val**

I heard Rhi open the back door, so I muted the TV.  Today had been hard.  I had spoken to Ayden earlier and had cried.  I didn’t want Rhi to see me like that because I needed to be strong for her.  I needed to be her tree to climb into so she had support.  After eating a light dinner, I curled up on the couch with some hot cocoa and decided to lose myself in a mindless program.  Rhi had walked down the hall to her bedroom without really saying anything to me.  So, I turned back on the volume, but lowered it so it wouldn’t disturb her.  I didn’t want to push her.  She hadn’t shown up after work and I wanted to head out to find her, but figured she needed her down time.  I figured she went to watch the sun set.  Being out at the lake always made Rhi feel better.  She said that it helped her to “reset”.

Rhi returned to the living room and eased down on the couch next to me.  She just sat there staring at the TV without saying anything.  I glanced at her a few times trying to figure out where she was on the emotional scale, but gave up because she was all over.  As much as I knew her emotions had to be running rampid, I also could tell she was numb.  It was the way that Rhi dealt with things that overwhelmed her.  It had taken me a while to understand this side of her when we were kids, but I came to know this is how she needed to process.  I sat up and turned toward her slightly.  She glanced at me and I almost gasped.  All I could see in her eyes was pain and my heart broke for her.  I twisted toward her, wrapped my arms around her shoulders, and guided her to lean against me.  She repositioned to make herself more comfortable, but she allowed me to cradle her.  This was a rare need for her, so I remained still, staring at the tv program.

I know that Rhi refuses to talk about her upcoming surgery or the cancer in general because she doesn’t want to burden anyone.  Hell, I’ve seen how people react to her.  I also know that she’d never want to inconvenience anyone, so I’ve tried to find ways to help.  Sometimes, I feel like I just barged in and took over her house and life, but I have that right.  She’s like my sister and I need to be there for her.  She’d never ask me to be there, but I wanted to be close if she needed me.  Like tonight.  If I wasn’t here to hold her and give her comfort, then what would she be doing right now?  I did the right thing.  It is in these moments that I know I was right to barge in and take over.

The program on TV switched from a game show to a game of giving away your heart.  It amazes me that twice a year the nation is held captive while one person gathers twenty people together and swears they will find the love of their life.  I’m guilty of getting caught up in the drama and social conversations over who he/she is going to pick to stay.  The “contestants” are always considered the “pretty” people and it just feeds society with more theories on what is normal for love.  At this thought I almost laugh out loud because the show depicts nothing about love in the real world.  I think about my marriage with Ayden and how it is different from anything you would ever see on tv.  The relationship is full of nights of helping each other clean up after being sick, arguing over who was supposed to pay the light bill when you come home to find it was accidently turned off, and the stresses of finding time to be just us amongst the stress of life.  You’ll never see that on one of these shows.

 “Val?”  Rhi’s voice is almost too low and I almost missed it.  I mute the tv.

 “Yes?”

 “Thank you.”  Her voice cracks from emotion and tears sting my eyes immediately.

“I love you, Rhi.”  I place my cheek against the top of her head and tighten my hold on her.  Now is not the time to dismiss her thank you with a simple welcome or no thanks required.  She sounded so small and distant.

“I love you, Val.”  She remained quiet for several minutes.  We both were staring at the TV with the mute button still on, so it was silent in the house.  I watched a group of people splashing around in a pool and drinking wine.  “Val?”

“Yeah?”  I had to strain to hear her as it was slurred with sleepiness.

“Why am I unlovable?”  The tears immediately spilled over and I placed my lips to the tops of her head.“You’ll find your princess to love you, Rhi.  She’s just waiting out there for you.”  I continued to hold her.  Maybe if I held her tight enough, I could hold her together for one more night.

“Val?”

“Yeah?”  My voice was barely a whisper now too as I tried to keep my tears hidden.

 “I’m scared.”  With this her body shook with a sob and I tightened my arms again. I leaned my head against hers so I could talk directly to her ear.

 “I know.”  If I didn’t feel her body jerk once in a while, I wouldn’t know that she was crying.  “I’m here, Rhi.  I’ll always be here.”

 I continued to hold her long past our tears drying, longer than the couples frolicking on a foreign beach, and long enough that the room began to light with the rising sun.  I’d have to let go of her soon.  I’d have to release her to a stranger that swore he had her best interest in mind and let him do his part to help her with her battle.  I felt helpless.  As long as I was holding her and showing her the strength of my love, then at least I was doing something.  As scared as she was to step forward in her battle to beat this ugly disease that I almost couldn’t stomach to name, I was just as scared to let her go to the battle.  I needed Rhi in my life.  Our world needed Rhi, she wasn’t done making her mark.  Rhi needed to live and I didn’t want to let go in fear that she’d slip from the world if my arms weren’t holding her here.

***************************************************************************************************************************

 

The next morning went by in a blur.  Since Rhi is an adult and the doctor is squeezing her in, her surgery isn’t until late afternoon.  We had both awoke still in our positions on the couch.  Neither of us commented on the previous night, but instead went about preparing for the day.  The ride to the hospital was more silence, but I never felt like we needed to say anything.  I was scared that Rhi would act odd after last night.  Over the years I have learned that, Rhi doesn’t break down and need the emotional support very often.  And when she does finally break, then she always feels guilty about it the next day.  However, there doesn’t seem to be any guilt this morning. 

We get Rhi registered for surgery and I take over possession of her hospital over-night bag that has a change of clothes for the both of us and other essentials we may need.  The doctor was unsure if Rhi would be returning home tonight after surgery, or if they would keep her overnight.  It all depended on when her surgery ended in relation to the outpatient surgery hours.  So, we had planned for both ways.  They let me come back to the pre-op area with her and they said I’d be able to stay until they took her to the surgery room. 

The transformation from Rhi the warrior, to Rhi the patient was disturbing.  I’m used to seeing Rhi standing tall and unbeatable in almost anything she wears, but I guess hospital gowns have a way of stripping you of everything powerful.  Then they began placing the heart monitor and the IVs.  Of course, she took it all with a smile and a joke.  The nursing staff loved her as she brought a little humor to the room and put them all at ease.  It was easy to forget why she was here and to believe that everything was okay.  But every time I’d look away from her and to her surroundings, the more reality set in about her diagnosis.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know that the diagnosis is real, but seeing all of the wires and tubes attached to her stripped me of any disillusions.  I tried to look at everything as her armor to go to battle, but it didn’t feel like armor. 

All too soon, they came to get Rhi for her trip to the operating room.  I leaned down to her bed and squeezed her to me and kissed her forehead.  We exchanged I love yous again and then they wheeled her through the doors.  As I stood there staring at the closing doors a nurse pressed a buzzer into my hand that would light up and vibrate when there was news about my loved one.  I could then pick up any phone located in the hospital to hear the message.  I looked down at the buzzer and felt a disappointment wash over me.  These were what they gave me when I was waiting for a table to eat dinner with friends or family.  But today, this was my lifeline to Rhi as she began her battle against cancer. 

 

**Rhi**

The bed had a wobbly wheel.  It reminded me of a janky cart you got when shopping at a store.  The vibration from the wheel combined with the lights speeding by made my stomach turn over and the nervousness began to sit in.  This wasn’t my first time in surgery, but was this really surgery.  I hadn’t let on to Val, but even though thyroidectomies are almost routine at this point in the US, there are still MAJOR problems that can occur.  One small slip of the scalpel and I might never talk again, or even breathe without a trach tube.  Also, the surgery site was near two main arteries that feed my brain blood.  One nick to those and I could bleed out, at worst, or need blood transfusions.  Not to mention infections that could set in.  But I had faith in my endocrine team.  My team would get me through this. 

The tech finally delivered me to the next stop on my journey.  I was wheeled into a room much like the one I had come from.  Inside the room stood a new person in scrubs and a hair net that I hadn’t met yet.  The guy wheeling my bed squeezed between my bed and the new guy.  The two nodded at each other.  The familiar tech stopped at the end of my bed and wished me luck and a speedy recovery.  He then drew the curtain and left.  I grabbed my rails on the bed and began to sit up.  The new guy turned around then and put one hand on the railing next to my hand and the other one to cover my hand.  Nope, I didn’t like this guy.  I grew very uncomfortable around people that just assumed they could touch me.  I drew my hand out from under his and fixed my hardened eyes directly into his.  He immediately stood up and removed his hands from the railings.  Inside this pleased me and my uneasiness.  Either he would bend to a more dominant individual, or the man knew how to read people. 

“Ms. MacReynolds,” he flicked his eyes back up to mine.  “My name is Joe and I work with the anesthesiologist team.  Do you know what team that is?” 

“Yes.”  This guy must think I’m stupid.  “I saw them about two hours ago for my final sign-off.” 

“You are correct.  However, since then we have decided that we need to take another precaution for your case.”  He paused and I swear he smirked.  “Due to the type of surgery you are scheduled for, we would like an additional method of monitoring your blood pressure.” 

“Ok.”  Alternative method? 

“So, we need to place these tubes into your wrists.  I won’t lie, it can be a little painful during the insertion, but we will numb the areas as much as we can.  Once the tubes are in place, then we can have cleaner access to get your blood pressure by the monitoring of your blood.”  He turned back to his table of supplies.  “Any questions before we get started?” 

“Why is this needed again?”  I paused but then rephrased.  “I get that it gives you a more accurate read of my blood pressure during surgery.  However, is this normal for thyroidectomy surgeries?” 

“Not specifically your surgery.  It is mainly used for surgeries that may be more difficult or take a little longer than 2 hours.” 

“My surgeon told me, not an hour ago, that he expects to be done in about 1 and a half hours.  Does he know that the Anesthesiology team wants this in place?” 

“I’m sure that the lead anesthesiologist has made him aware, but this is a decision our department made, not your surgeon.”  He turned back to my bed with two hands full of supplies.  “Please lay back and we will get started.” 

“Can you open the curtain?”  My uneasiness was back. 

“Yes.” 

Being in a small room with someone that made me uneasy was hard to do.  I just wanted to bolt from the bed and refuse everything the guy explained.  I closed my eyes for a moment to calm my nerves while I followed the tech with my ears.  These types of situations often blurred in my mind between the present and old memories.  When I was younger I would dream that I was in a small room with a man, but I couldn’t see his face.  My bare back would touch the cold wall and make the sweat on my skin feel like it was ice.  But I didn’t dare more forward because this unidentified man blocked the door and there wasn’t a way to get past him.  I could hear his sickening half laugh, half out of shape breathing that always smelled like day old meat and onions.  His breath would mix with the pungent odor of stale tobacco and body odor. I would wake from these dreams and almost attack anyone near me.  My parents would leave me be when I was having a nightmare because they knew it was this one.  I would catch them whispering afterward.  I don’t think they knew I could hear them yet because I was still huddled in a corner with my eyes closed, but I’d hear them say, “she’s remembering”.  No one would talk about my dream and often I was told it was no more than a dream.  However, anytime I found myself enclosed in a room, and if I was uncomfortable in any way, then all of my senses would revert back to what they felt, seen, and smelt in my dream.  As an adult, I now knew several ways to calm myself without lashing out people, but it didn’t mean that the occurrences didn’t bother me.  I hadn’t had these feelings in a long time. 

I took several deep breaths and tried to push it all from my mind.  I continued to monitor the tech closely while I reeled in my emotions.  He had deposited more supplies next to me on the bed and had quietly moved away again.  He stepped to my bedside and just paused.  I could feel his eyes upon me.  I opened my eyes staring up into his eyes.  He didn’t jump like others have done before, but his eyes gave away his shock that I knew where he was.  He had moved to the other side of my bed.

With one last explanation of what he was going to do, we began.  He warned me again that it might become painful, but instructed me to breathe deeply.  He began with the needles to numb my wrist area.  Those needles always hurt worse than anything they did to you after.  I had learned a long time ago, to take a deep breath in when they inserted the needle.  This worked for blood work, shots, IV placement.  I don’t know why, but it seemed to make the string less.  Soon the stings disappeared.  Joe reached over me to grab some of the discarded supplies.  He warned me I would feel pressure.  So, I let my mind widen in my typical meditation beginning to help lessen the awareness of anything superficial.  This worked on a lot of things in my life when I felt pain.  However, after a couple of minutes the pressure feeling broke through my mental barrier and crossed from unpleasant to painful.  The few seconds following the pain and suddenly it became very painful.  I drew in some couple of deep breaths through my mouth and let them go through my nose.  This was my last attempt to calm my body from the intense pain that was radiating from my arm.  Soon, Joe gave up declaring that it was not going well and wasn’t staying in my arm.  So, he began cleaning up his mess.  I glanced over to my arm and saw blood all over it.

Initially, I was shocked, but I knew that trying to get something in a vein could cause bleeding.  Anyone that has ever seen an IV blow while being inserted could attest that sometimes the blood just got messy.  So, I settled back into the bed and watched Joe bandage the area.  He then moved to the other side of my bed and advised that he wanted to try this wrist before giving up on the procedure.  So, we went through the same process.  It didn’t take as much effort to reach my meditative state, so I was happy to be calmer quicker.  However, soon the pain tore down my mental barrier and escalated quickly.  I gritted my teeth and tried to struggle through it.  I knew my pain tolerance was quite high and I had withstood many painful things in my life.  I tried every trick in my book to lessen the pain for my body.  It reached a point that I was ready to ask Joe to stop, but was trying to hold on for a few more moments.

“What do you think you are doing?”  My eyes snapped from the ceiling to the curtain area and directly landing on my surgeon’s red face.  The sudden question startled Joe, which in turn caused him to do something that skyrocketed the pain, and a grunt escaped my throat.  This caused both men to turn towards me.  “Joe, what are you doing?”  My surgeon asked again.

“I’m trying to insert the tubes to monitor her blood pressure closer during her procedure.”  Joe seemed nervous and was already moving to dress the new failed attempt.

“Who ordered that?” My surgeon, Dr. Causte, moved closer into the room.

“The anesthesiology team.”  All of us stared at the bloody gauze that was laying open on my bed as Joe continued to hold pressure on the area he was previously working.  “I’ll try one more spot.”

“No.”  Dr. Causte said very sternly.  “Joe, clean up what you’ve done and I’ll talk to Susan about this.”  I glanced at Joe as I saw him grimace.  “I think two failed attempts are enough suffering for Rhiannon.  After all, we have a big procedure to get through together.”  He stepped toward me, throwing me a kind smile, and patting my covered feet with his hands.

Joe finished bandaging my wrist under the watchful gaze of my surgeon.  I was then instructed to try peeing for the last time as the surgery would be a few hours long.  I felt like a child being dismissed by a parent before starting a long car ride.  Once I returned, Joe was gone and two women were now milling around my bed talking to Dr. Causte.

"Rhiannon,” Dr. Causte helped me into my bed and popped the side rail in place.  “Mary and Stacy are going to escort you to the operating room from here.”  He paused to turn a smile to both of the ladies in the room.  Dr. Causte’s face was no longer red and his eyes held nothing but compassion.  His calmness immediately soothed out the rough edges that I hadn’t been able to quiet within myself since the failed procedure attempts.  “Now, Rhiannon, as you know today is a big day!  Today, we are going to evict that nasty cancer that seems to think it could squat in your body.  Today we win!”  His smile was contagious and continued to put me at ease.

He soon left with a promise to see me in a few minutes.   Mary and Stacy pushed me toward the surgery room while asking me random questions designed to get my mind off where we were heading.  I indulged them and lived in that fantasy for a few moments.  It felt good to laugh again.  Not just a chuckle, but laughing out loud at a joke.    Laughing always made me feel lighter.

The operating room was cold.  Not just cold, but like morgue cold.  I never truly understood why we needed a room that cold for the living, but I’m sure it has its purpose.  I was greeted by two new techs who keep calling me sweetie and smiling at me.  At this point, everyone is pushing me on to the next activity because no one wanted to allow me a chance to look around too long.  I was asked to “shuffle” from my current bed onto the new bed stationed in the center of the room.  The way everything is starting to blur together I swear they’ve given me something already, but I keep trying to focus on what people are saying, the questions being asked, and exactly what is happening to me.  One of the techs asked me to tilt my head back as far as possible.  Next, each of the techs asked me to stretch my arms out to my sides at shoulder height.  When I do this, suddenly I feel boards under my arms.  I can feel them securing my arms and I think I should be freaking out right now, but I really don’t have the strength or the care to panic.  The man tech leans his head closer to mine and tells me to relax.  I smile up at the ceiling and chuckle because I’d hate to see what he’d say if he could see me panicking.

Suddenly, a thought chills me to the bone.  I’m strung out on the table like Jesus is on the cross.  I’m not sure why this thought comes racing through at this moment.  It has been forever since I’ve believed in “Jesus” and even longer since my belief system resembled anything remotely Christian.  But in this one moment, I think of myself like a Jesus in my own life.  I have to sacrifice something vital to me, in order to save myself.  It is in that moment, surrounded by the hum of techs entering the room, on the verge of the biggest surgery/event of my life, and I am alone.  In this moment, Val doesn’t matter.  In this moment none of my friends matter, none of my family, no one.

The same male tech leans back over and puts his lips near my ear.  “Rhiannon, can you hear me?”  I jerk my head toward him as his voice breaks the last of the blur surrounding me.  “I need you to lean your head back as far as you can.”  I do as he asked.  “Excellent!  I’m now going to fasten a strap over your forehead to help you keep your head there.  Okay?”

I try to answer, but my mouth feels like it is full of cotton.  I lick my lips slowly and try to swallow.  It feels like every action is slowed and over-exaggerated.  “Yeah,” I finally managed to squeak out.  I feel the cold strap settle over my forehead, panic begins to consume me as everything within me screams to get up and run from this room, and suddenly it is almost impossible to draw any air into my lungs.

The same male tech’s voice speaks softly directly into my ear.  “Rhiannon, just breath.  I know you are scared right now, but we have you.  We have you, so don’t worry.”

 Coolness slowly replaced the heat his breath made upon my ear.  I heard a female talking to me, but I couldn’t really make out her words as everything seemed to buzz together at once.  Then I had a padded something over my mouth.  I tried to move away from it, but the strap over my forehead prevented me from moving and I froze.  Someone above me yelled my name and told me to breathe.  My lungs are on fire.  Suddenly I gulp in a large gasp of cold air that tastes off.  The room suddenly disappears, while whiteness and fog surround me.


	5. Waiting Game

**Astrid**

The numbers and letters were jumbling together on the page and I cursed at myself because I couldn’t force everything to make sense.  Inventory was supposed to be my relief; the thing I turned to when nothing else was making sense.  Inventory helped me to shut down everything and allow me to focus on the monotony of putting numbers with words.  Any other day, it would work, but today I couldn’t make myself focus.  My mind would not shut off, which meant it was stuck thinking about Rhiannon.  The first few times that I caught myself going back to replay her visits to the shop I was able to deny what it meant.  A few months into her sporadic visits and I couldn’t deny why I was replaying everything, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t frustrate me.  Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face and then I blush because I become embarrassed about where my thoughts take me and pray that no one know exactly what I’m thinking about or who.   

I met Rhiannon over a year ago.  I still remember her first visit to the shop.  Our interaction was limited that day, but I knew the moment she stepped to the counter that I was in trouble.  I had noticed her when she first got in line that day.  Her skin coloring intrigued me, but it was her presence that drew me in.  She was just one of those people that demanded you take notice of her because her presence filled the room immediately.  But she didn’t act like she was aware what she did to others.  I initially thought that it was just me, but I noticed others immediately take notice of her.  She wasn’t the prettiest woman to ever come order coffee, but she definitely wasn’t ugly.  She had darker brown hair and stood taller and wider than most women.  In fact, she almost resembled a man by her size alone.  Her shoulders were wide and her athletic body seemed to shoot straight down to her legs.  She didn’t have all the curves that a normal woman would have, but somehow her body seemed to match her presence, it suggested that she was strong.  I have never met another person that filled a room so quickly, but those that had come close usually were arrogant. 

She stepped closer and I stepped closer to the counter to get a closer look and overhear how this mountain of a woman treated others.  She was still looking at the menu and I could tell her eyes were a light brown, but nothing prepared for when her attention centered on me.  Her eyes met with Brigit first, and then flicked to me.  I found myself captured by eyes that were light brown, but had yellow highlights throughout, so the coloring seemed almost dark yellow in appearance. It wasn’t the coloring that made breathing difficult, it was the life that danced within her eyes.  Then she threw out a smile that drew your own lips to a smile of greeting before you even knew what was happening.  She wasn’t arrogant.  In fact, she openly showed a vulnerability that surprised me, but it was her happiness that radiated from her that infected everyone around her.  She spoke with a slight southern twang with certain words, but then would hit a northern accent on others, which kept a person off-balance around her.  She looked people in the eye when she spoke and her actions seemed deliberate when she moved.  My one pet-peeve was that people rarely looked me in the eye.  I never knew if it was because I was in the food industry, if it is because I’m a woman, if it is because I’m a woman with mixed heritage, or if it was just the social norm.  I was always taught that it is a sign of respect when a person took the time to hold your eye for a moment while speaking.  Rhiannon barely looked down, or away, when she was speaking to someone.  When she left that day, she gingerly took her drink from my hand, broadened her smile at me, and then wished me a good day.  I remained glued to my spot as I watched her walk away and back toward the rest of the hospital. 

As she returned to the shop for coffee, I would catch myself looking for her every day.  And once I began noticing her pattern, then I began thinking about what I should wear every day until she would appear.  It was her second visit that we began talking.  At first it was at the end of the counter and it always ended with me wishing I could drag out the conversation longer.  She also seemed to linger at the end of a visit, so I let myself believe that we both enjoyed the other’s presence.  Then it progressed to sitting at a table for an hour or more chatting when she visited.  I kept wanting Rhiannon to ask me out or ask to see me outside of the coffee shop, but she never asked.  In those first six months I tried everything I knew to do to convey how much I liked her without crossing any lines that you couldn’t uncross.  After all, I didn’t want to lose her friendship either.  After those six months, I gave up trying to send the signals and just enjoyed what time we had together. 

“You know you aren’t foolin’ anyone with that book.”  Brigit leaned against the back counter beside me. 

“Oh, really?”  I asked.  I didn’t bother looking up because of all of my employees, Brigit seemed to get me the most. 

“You are still thinking about her.”  It wasn’t a question, but the tone didn’t apply strictly a statement.  Brigit was the only one that knew how I felt for Rhiannon because she was the one that was around the most when Rhiannon came by.  All my other employees just thought she was an old friend that stopped by.  Of course, I was the boss, so no one really questioned me about it.  No one but Brigit.  I remained silent.  “Astrid, when are you going to ask her out?  You know that she’s really into you.”

 “I do not.”  This was the same argument we’d had for quite a while. 

“How do you not know?”  Her voice got higher with her disbelief.  I glared at her.  “She comes in here to see you.  When you aren’t out here when she stops by she looks for you immediately and nervously asks if you are around.  The hopeful look on her face when she asks is all kinds of adorbs.  But it is really obvious when she first sees you.  She gets this dopey grin on her face and her eyes shine even brighter.  Come on! You have to notice this stuff!” 

“You know I don’t.”  I said quietly. And it was true, I had never seen her dopey grin or her eyes be more animated than they ever were.  If I had, then maybe I’d take the chance and ask her out myself. 

“Well, she does.”  Brigit then moved on to the front counter to continue working. 

I continued to not look through the inventory book that I needed to be going through.  Today, as I thought about Rhiannon, my thoughts weren’t as cheery.  Because with thoughts of Rhiannon, came thoughts about _her_.  Rhiannon had never brought another person with her to the shop in all the time she’s been coming around.  She has never mentioned a girlfriend or partner.  But, maybe the Rhiannon was into blondes.  Maybe that is why she never seemed interested in me beyond friends.  The blonde that accompanied her yesterday was definitely someone she knew very well.  Their actions together and familiarity screamed intimacy and I _instantly_ hated the blonde.  I’m not naïve, so I knew it was jealousy the minute I became aware of blonde.  However, I tried to remain respectful and friendly.  I just chose to concentrate on Rhiannon more than the guest with her. 

“Boss,” Brigit leaned toward me and broke my train of thought.  I looked up at her.  “Rhiannon’s friend just walked in.” 

The words ran through me like ice.  I closed my book and faced the counter almost the same time as the blonde did.  I will give Rhiannon credit, the lady was pretty.  Her long, blonde hair was gathered at her neck in a loose pony tail and her green eyes were staring straight at me.  She wasn’t dressed in anything more than a faded pair of jeans and a tee-shirt, but the woman definitely wore the clothes and not the other way around.  The clothes were just tight enough to tease the eyes with what was lying in wait under them. 

“Hi.”  The blonde flashed her a small smile and laid her belongings on the counter in front of me as she bypassed Brigit all-together. 

“Good Afternoon.”  I made brief eye contact and then immediately began looking around to see if Rhiannon was on her way, but I didn’t see her.  “Rhiannon isn’t with you today?”  I wanted to take back the words even before I finished saying them. Now she would definitely know how I felt about Rhiannon.

 “Not today.”  The woman flashed me another knowing smile and my heart sank.  Yep, she knew alright.  “Listen, I wanted to come by and introduce myself since Rhiannon forgot to yesterday.”  Yep, here it come, the “she’s mine” speech.  She held her hand out to me.  “I’m Valarie Burke.  I’m Rhiannon’s best friend since we were just starting elementary school.” 

“Oh.” The word slipped out in surprise as I grasped Valarie’s hand in a firm hand-shake.  Suddenly, I felt like I needed to make an impression with this woman instead of hate her.  “Well, it is nice to meet you Valarie Burke.  I’m Astrid Connor.  I own this small establishment.”

 “That’s what I hear.”  She released my hand, but didn’t look away.  “I also hear, and can now attest, that you have the best coffee.” 

“Well, I am pleased.” I am _pleased_?  What the hell, why won’t my mouth work right.  I clamped down on those thoughts so I wouldn’t blush out of embarrassment.  “I’m glad that you enjoyed your first drink.” 

“It was excellent!”  My attention swayed from conversation and landed on a red circular device that was lighting up and faintly buzzing.  Soon her eyes traveled to where mine were glued and my stomach twisted.  I knew exactly what that device meant as I had several customers that carried them around on a daily basis.  “Shit!”  The word thrown out accompanied wild movements as Valarie frantically looked around the lobby. 

I had already sprang into action and grabbed the cordless phone off the back counter.  “Here.”  I said, but the woman didn’t seem to hear me.  I leaned over the counter and put my hand on the woman’s shoulder to garner her attention.  I then thrust the phone into her hands, “Here.” 

I watched as Valarie dialed the phone with shaking hands.  She had the phone pressed to her ear firmly and the hand holding it had turned a sickly white that matched the coloring of her face.  I wanted to give her privacy, but something held me glued to the spot at the counter. I heard Valarie state, “I’m calling to retrieve a message about a family member.”  My stomach sank even deeper into itself and twisted tighter.   I continued to stare at Valarie, much like a person can’t look away from a gruesome wreck.  Valarie suddenly was staring back at me with widened eyes and an uneasy look on her face.  I knew immediately that she realized that her next words would confirm what I had already deduced.  “The patient is Rhiannon MacReynolds.”  Even though I knew the words were coming, I didn’t realize how much of an impact they would have.  I felt my lungs cease breathing and my legs felt like they were going to give out on me any moment.  I curled my fingers into the counter hoping that my grip could steady me. 

It felt like only moments later, but must have been at least a few minutes, the phone was set down in my line of vision, which was right between my hands on the counter.  “Thank you for the use of your phone.”  Valarie’s voice sounded steadier, but there was a hesitancy to it.  I slowly raised my head and made eye-contact with Valarie. 

“Rhiannon is in surgery?”  I was afraid to ask, but this was too important to make assumptions.  No, I wanted….no, I _needed_ to know the truth. 

“Yes.”  Her voice was quiet as well.  I never knew one word could hold so much meaning and could weigh so heavily.  I needed to know more.  I needed answers and I’d have to go through Valarie to get them. 

“Valarie, do you have a few minutes to sit and chat?”  I asked with more confidence than I felt. 

“Yeah, I should have about an hour.”  She began retrieving her purse from the counter. 

“If you want to choose a seat, then I will fix you a drink and be right out.”  I turned to busy myself with a drink order.  I needed this moment to finish gathering myself.  Regardless of how I feel about Rhiannon, both she and Valarie need a friend right now.  Surgery isn’t just some minor thing to take lightly.  Yes, most people come out of surgery fine as medicine has progressed steadily in the last twenty years, but there are just some things that science can’t predict or correct. 

Valarie chose a table near the side of the room near the windows.  The table was perfect as it was out of the way of traffic, so it could offer some privacy, but it was still close enough to the counter that the phone would remain in contact with its base.  Valarie looked really nervous and for a moment I thought maybe I shouldn’t ask her to give me details about Rhiannon.  But, that thought immediately left as I knew I needed to know she was okay.  Plus, Valarie seemed like a very strong and confident woman, so her nervousness reinforced my need for details.  I walked over slowly to the small table and sat down her drink and the phone in front of her.  Valarie mouthed thank you to me as she pulled her coffee closer to her, grasping it with both hands.  I eased into the chair directly across from her and searched for a way to start the conversation.  However, gauging my conversation with Valarie earlier and that I needed answers now, I decided to just dive in with both feet.  “Is she okay?” 

Valarie’s voice seemed to match mine in tone.  “She will be eventually.”  Tears immediately burned in my eyes and I snapped my eye lids shut to keep them from spilling over.  Eventually.  That doesn’t sound horrible, but it was a far stretch from fine.  “Listen, Astrid, I think it is time to have some very frank words between the two of us.”  Her words shocked me, but I nodded my understanding.  “I can tell that you like her.” 

And just like that the elephant in the room stepped into plain sight.  Although her straight-forwardness shocked me, it was also a relief.  A very large part of me wanted to deny my feelings toward Rhiannon, but admitting them seemed to offer a freedom that I hadn’t felt yet.  My head nodded before my voice could croak out the answer, “Yes.”  I could feel the blush rushing up to my cheeks and ears, but I was helpless to stop it. 

“Okay, well at least that means I haven’t lost my touch. So, let’s have a discussion about why she is in surgery today.  Okay?” 

“Please.” 

“Are you going to be okay sitting out here to talk?  Is there somewhere else you’d like to go?” 

“No, here is fine.  The phone doesn’t always recognize the base when I head back to my office.  Maintenance says it has to do with the metal reinforcements for the building.  I want to make sure that you are near a phone if you need to call again.” 

“Okay.”  She leaned slightly toward me.  “I don’t know any way to break this easily or painlessly, so I’m just going to put it all out there and then you can ask me whatever questions you need to.  Okay?”  I nodded.  “Astrid, Rhi is in surgery to remove her thyroid.  She found out a couple of weeks ago that she has thyroid cancer.”  Ca….cancer?  My heart ceased to beat and my lungs seized.  I clinched my fists tightly.  Rhiannon has cancer? Valarie continued, “Taking the thyroid is the first step, but they will probably have to do some sort of radiation.  They tell her that she will beat it all and that the treatment will work.” 

I suddenly remembered seeing Rhiannon about three weeks ago.  She came to the counter and I immediately had to school my expression.

 

*********************************************************************************************************

 

 _“Pip!”  Rhiannon said boisterously in greeting me, followed by a very large smile._  

 _“Rhiannon.”  I quickly covered my mouth and looked down while trying to hold in a chuckle._  

_“Do I have food on me  again?”  I glanced up and found Rhiannon inspecting her clothing.  Rhiannon was never short of dressing impeccably, so I chuckled at her reference. Truth be told, the woman probably had spare shirts in her car for just the occasion._

_“Nope.  Not today.”  I glanced back at Rhiannon’s neck while she finished checking herself over and ordered her drink.  I fought the jealousy that raised its green head.  Rhiannon was sporting two bruises on her neck that looked suspiciously like hickeys._

_“So, what is so funny?”  She appeared back in front of me with her coffee in hand._

_“You really don’t know?”  It was hard to imagine Rhiannon not knowing that she was sporting hickeys.  She always paid attention to her appearance.  Her clothes were hardly ever wrinkled and she never had a hair out of place._

_“No.  I guess not.”  She was becoming serious and her nervousness began to rise._

_I took her hand and led her to my office.  Once we got there, I retrieved my hand-held mirror and handed it to her.  She still looked puzzled, so I pointed to her neck area.  As she located the spots, her eyes grew wide.  “Did one of your ladies get a little too hungry?”  The moment the words left my mouth I turned 3 different shades of red, but still chuckled as I saw a steady blush rising on her neck and face._

_“You know me…..irresistible to all!”  We both chuckled at her joke to get over the awkwardness of the topic._

_She went on to explain about the biopsy and that it had caused bruising.  We ended the encounter with a hug, her assuring me that this was a routine check, and that everything would be fine._

 

_******************************************************************************************************************************_

 

“They found this when they did the biopsy?”  Val nodded and I chuckled slightly.  “She told me it was routine to check on a nodule or something.  I had made a comment that one of her ladies had gotten a little too zealous because her neck had bruises that looked like hickeys.” 

Val laughed boisterously at the comment.  “Oh my!  Things are starting to make more sense.” I gave Val a questioning look.  “I thought Rhi was losing her mind one day.  She texted me out of the blue and said she needed to go make-up shopping.  I asked why and she said she had some hickeys to cover.”  She continued to laugh some.  “Since I KNEW she wasn’t sporting any hickeys, I passed it off to auto-correct messing with her again.” 

We both chuckled for a few seconds, but then the seriousness of the situation started to sink in more.  “Now I feel bad for teasing her that day.” 

“Don’t feel bad.  She would have teased you had the tables been turned.”  Val flashed a large smile. 

“So, surgery is today. Well, right now.”  Val nodded.  “Will she be in the hospital long?” 

“Not that we are aware.  They may keep her tonight, but it all depends on when her surgery is done and how close that is to quitting time for the day surgery group.” 

“What does she need?”  The words ran together in my mind and I tried to push away the jumble so I could think clearly. 

“Friends.  Support.”  Val met my eyes, “you.” 

I quickly get up, motioning for Val to remain at the table.  I walk briskly to my office and extract a business card from my desk.  I flip the card over and scribble my cell on the back.  When I return to the table I hand the card to Val.  “My personal cell is on the back.”  I struggle to find how to convey to Val what I need her to do, what I need to know.  How do you tell someone’s best friend to include you in the must notify group when that person doesn’t even have your cell number.

 “I’ll keep you updated.”  She enters the numbers into her phone and then slips the card into her purse.  “I’ll also let you give your number to Rhi yourself.”  She smiles slightly.  “Just because I can see how much both of you like each other from a mile away, doesn’t mean that I am a match-maker service.  However,” she reaches out and grabs my arm gently.  “I need you to really think about all of this. Not just today, but what tomorrow will bring, or next week, or next month, or hell next year.  Yes, the doctor’s say Rhi will beat this, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not going to be walking through hell.  You need to make sure you can handle that walk before you pursue Rhi.  I can guarantee she’s worth that walk ten times over, but the last thing she needs is heartache on top of it all.  Do you understand?” 

I nod. 

 

**Val**

 Well, that went better than I thought it would. That wasn’t quite the way I wanted her to learn about Rhi, but she needs to know.  Something tells me that Astrid doesn’t give in easily, which means that she’s tenacious enough to put up with Rhi’s crap.  And being the sister, I had to make sure that my initial read of this woman was correct.  Now, if only getting through the rest of this day could be as easy as that talk! 

I returned to the family waiting room and took a seat. I looked around at the other individuals in the waiting room before sitting back in my chair and staring back at the floor.  Everyone in this room had the same look.  At first glance one would think everyone here was just bored, but really the nervous energy in the room was thick. Occasionally, someone would look up and glance around the room, but eventually would return their eyes to the floor, out the window, or to the muted television that hung in the corner that was playing Jerry Springer.  I barely caught my laughter from spilling out as watched the headlines from the TV.  These people were going onto a national television show to make-believe these issues about their girlfriend sleeping with their mom or their boyfriend preferring the company of their sister while the people in this room faced real life problems.  Maybe that is why they were streaming the program, so it could provide comedy relief in the middle of your own personal hell. 

As we neared the one hour mark, my concentration was broken by a nurse hurrying into the room.  The nurse looked tired as she approached the information desk, but still seemed to be in a hurry.  Soon I heard the overhead page for the family of Rhiannon to come to the information desk.  I quickly stood, which drew the attention of the nurse.  I looked eyes with her and refused to look away.  Her first greeting was a smile, but I couldn’t shake that she looked tired and seemed to be in a rush.  As I neared she took a few steps toward me. 

“Are you the family here with Rhiannon today?” 

“Yes, ma’am.  I am Valarie, her sister.”  The nurse reached out and touched my shoulder in comfort and I felt my heart drop into my stomach.  This didn’t feel right. 

“Why don’t we go over here and talk about Rhiannon’s surgery.”  I let her lead me without any resistance.  I could feel the attention we garnered and the sympathy behind some of the gazes.  I sat down in the seat I had just vacated as the nurse sat in the one beside me.  I wanted to ask a million questions, but knew I needed to let the nurse talk, so I remained quiet.  “Rhiannon’s surgery is taking longer than we expected.  The doctor has ran into a few complications, but nothing that we need to worry about at this time.  Rhiannon is doing great in the surgery, so don’t worry about that right now.” 

“Complications?”  She paused, so I had to ask. 

“Yes.  I can’t give specifics because I’m not the doctor.  But the complications he ran into just require that the clean-up process of making sure he has all of the thyroid tissue he can get a little more time consuming.”  I just nodded to the information.  Dr. Causte had said that he’d have to scrape the vocal cords and other areas in the throat to make sure he got all of the tissue, so this wasn’t new news.  “Dr. Causte doesn’t want to estimate how long the surgery will take from here, but probably another hour.  He did state that he will want to keep her overnight for observation since this will put her coming out of anesthesia so late in the evening.” 

“Okay.  That’s not a problem.  We came prepared for an overnight stay.  Will I be able to stay with her?” 

“Definitely.  There will be a chair in the room and if a cot is available, they can bring one of those in for you.”  I nod.  “Do you have other questions about this time?” 

“No.”  I really didn’t know what else to ask. 

“Okay.  We will still update you when she’s out of surgery and then when she begins to wake up so you can see her.  Just keep your pager on you and in this room as much as you can.” 

“Thank you for updating me.” 

The nurse left and I fell back into my chair and continued to start at the floor.  Okay, this does not mean anything is really wrong.  It is just a minor set-back and the doctor is working extra hard to make sure he gets as much of the thyroid tissue as he can.  I let out a large exhale and pulled out my phone.  I’d text Astrid to let her know what is going on.  At least it would kill some time while waiting. 

Val:   _This is Val.  Rhi will be in surgery longer, but I will let you know when she’s out._  

Astrid:   _Thank you for letting me know.  Were there complications?_

Val:   _The nurse said that it is taking longer because the doctor wants to get as much thyroid tissue as he can before finishing._  

Astrid:   _That makes sense.  Are you okay?_  

Val:   _I think so, but thanks for asking._  

Rhi did a great job of latching onto this one.  All of our friends know how close Rhi and I are, hell they tease us that we are an item, but not one of them has asked how I am.  Hell, not one of them have texted about her at all today.  I guess they are waiting for me to update them. 

Ayden:   _How’s Rhi?_  

Val:   _Funny you should ask.  The nurse just informed me that it will be a while yet.  The doc is taking longer to scrape out the tissue.  I think it is a good thing, but it still isn’t setting right with me._  

Ayden:   _Wow….maybe it is good?  Less remaining tissue means less cancer right?_  

Val:   _Logically yes._  

Ayden:   _You okay, Babe?  Want me to call?  I just thought texting would be easier for you._  

Val:   _No, I don’t want to leave the waiting room if I don’t have to.  Sorry, I just feel like something is wrong.  I don’t have any reason to feel that way, I just do._  

Ayden:   _I wish I could be there with you!  I’m sorry that you are worried, but Rhi is strong.  She’ll pull through._  

Val:   _Yeah.  I know she will._  

Ayden:   _Is there anything I can do from here?_

Val:   _Kiss the kids good night for me and send me loving thoughts.  The nurse already told me that they are going to keep Rhi overnight.  So, we won’t be heading back to her house until tomorrow morning.  I won’t know more until she’s out and I talk to the doctor._  

Ayden:   _Kisses and loving thoughts….done.  Once you know how she did, then we’ll be able to come up with a game plan.  Don’t worry about us or here, we will be fine.  Just concentrate on helping Rhi._  

Val: _You are the best man ever.  Have I told you that lately?  Thank you for being so understanding about this and my time away from home.  I love you._  

Ayden:   _Babe, this isn’t a stranger you’re helping.  It’s Rhi and she’s family.  Why would I be upset that you are helping family?  I want to be there to help as well, but I’ll send my loving vibes to both of you.  I love you too, Val._  

Val:   _I’ll check back in later._  

I vigorously rub my face to stop the tears from welling up further in my eyes.  I miss my husband and the kids.  Don’t get me wrong, I am exactly where I need to be right now, but this is the second week without them.  Hopefully, they can visit soon.  Alex and Ryan were devastated when Ayden told them about Rhiannon’s diagnosis and that I’d be staying with Rhi for a bit.  Both of the kids swore that they needed to be there to help Rhi as well.  They could kiss her booboos and help her watch all the movies that made her happy.   Just thinking of them and their time with Rhi makes me want to cry again. My kids have connected with Rhi in a way none of us ever thought they would.  And just as much as we see Alex and Ryan taking on characteristics of Ayden and I, they also are Rhi too.

 

************************************************************************************

 

_“Alex, why do you have a towel wrapped around your head?”  I heard Ayden ask from the family room as I finished loading the dishwasher with Ryan’s help._

_“It’s NOT a towel, Dad!” Alex answered her father in a very definite tone._

_“Then what is it?” Ayden asked without missing a beat._

_“It’s my head dress.”_

_“Head dress, huh?”  Alex nodded while fighting to keep the towel in place. “Why are you wearing a headdress?”_

_“’Cause she’s Chief, Dad!” Ryan joined in this time as he joined his sister in the livingroom._

_“Chief?”_

_“Uh-huh.”  Both kids said together.  They sat down in the floor and started to drag out their Legos to play.  I joined Ayden on the couch to watch television._

_“Alex, shouldn’t Ryan be Chief?”  I looked at Ayden with a scowl. He lifted a finger down by me lap and winked in my direction so I wouldn’t interfere._

_“Why? Alex is Chief.”  He looked up confused at Ayden._

_“Well, I just mean, you are the man.  Shouldn’t a man be a Chief?”_

_“Aunt Rhi says that being Chief has nothing to do with if you are a boy or a girl.”  He says it so nonchalant and goes back to building something with his Legos._

_“So, you accept Alex as your Chief?”_

_“Yep!  As long as she is  good.”_

_“What makes a good Chief?”_

_“Aunt Rhi says that a good Chief is fair, just, kind, honest, patient, and wants the best for the tribe.”  His words warm my heart.  Rhi has never hid her heritage from the twins, but I’ve never heard them have this kind of conversation._

_“Alex,” Ayden catches our daughter’s attention and doesn’t continue until she looks at him.  “You are a beautiful Chief.”  Her face lights up and she smiles._

_“You can stay in the Tribe, Dad.”  She turns back to the Legos and helping Alex to build something that looked like Picasso himself designed._

_We both chuckle at her words and I settle back into Ayden’s embrace.  I look back over at Alex and she’s concentrating so hard on what they are building and her face is scrunched just like Rhi’s when she’s concentrating on something.  For not having Rhi’s actual blood in her as her Aunt, she seems every bit like Rhi when she was that age._

 

_************************************************************************************_

 

I lean my head back against the wall behind me and close my eyes for a minute, trying to will the tears from my eyes.  I have to keep it together, well, at least until I can get Rhi home and have a moment to relax.  Falling apart while she’s in surgery is not an option.  I began to consciously clear my mind and tried to get myself into a more meditation state.  Rhi swears by meditation.  I’ve always argued that my mind won’t shut up long enough to meditate. 

“Miss?”  I shoot up as someone comes to stand in front of me.  I instantly recognize one of the helpers at the information desk. 

“Yes?”  I ask trying to get my heart contained back into my chest.  I must have relaxed more than I thought I had. 

“You are the family of MacReynolds?”  The older lady asked with kindness in her eyes. 

“Yes.” 

“You have a call at the desk.”  I jump to my feet and follow her back to the information desk. 

“Thank you.” I say as she hands me the handset. “Hello?” 

“Is this Rhiannon’s family?”  I instantly recognize the nurse’s voice from earlier. 

“Yes.  Is she okay?”  I clamp a hand over my mouth as I swore I wasn’t going to blurt stuff like that out and listen when the medical staff spoke. 

“Yes, ma’am.  I was just calling to let you know that the clean-up is still taking longer than Dr. Causte anticipated.  We are still looking at about an hour of surgery, possibly more. However, Rhiannon is handling the surgery well so far.  We probably will not check back in with you unless we see significant delays.  We should be finishing within the next hour to hour and a half.” 

“Oh, okay.”  I take a breath and close my eyes.  She’s fine I remind myself. 

“Do you have any other questions?” 

“No, but thank you for the update.”  With that I hand the phone back to the information lady, thank her again, and walk back over to what I’ve deemed my chair. 

More time.  What could be requiring that kind of clean-up work?  Dr. Causte explained the surgery in many details when we were in his office.  He basically said he would cut out the thyroid, check the neck cavity and surrounding areas, but away any thyroid material that was still attached, but then irrigate the area to wash out any remaining tissue.  He said the more tissue he removed, then the less radiation would be needed.  I guess he’s just being extra careful and I’m sure he’s not keeping her under any longer than he deems necessary.  I take another deep breath and forcibly exhale trying to blow out some of the anxiety and tension.  I grab my phone out of my purse and decide it is time to update Ayden and Astrid. 

Val:   _So, I just go an update on Rhi.  The clean-up of tissue is taking longer than Dr. Causte thought, so it will be another hour to hour and a half.  I shouldn’t have any other updates until she’s out._

Ayden: _Wow, clean-up is taking a while on this one.  I’m sure that just means he’s being very cautious.  Did they say how Rhi was doing?_

Val:   _They said she was doing well and was handling the surgery well._

Ayden:   _Good.  You still doing okay?_

Val:   _Yeah.  I will be.  Nothing that getting her home, have a hot shower, and some rest won’t cure.  Something tells me that it will be a long night._

Ayden:   _Do I need to pack up the kids and head that way.  I can be there to drive you both home in the morning._

Val:   _No.  We will manage.  But thank you for offering, babe.  I love you._

Ayden:   _I love you too.  Let me know if there is anything I can do from here._

Val:   _I will.  Take care of the kids._

Now time to let Astrid know.  She’s not going to like that Rhi’s surgery is taking longer.

Val: _Rhi’s still in surgery and will be for another hour to hour in a half.  They say that it is taking longer because there is more clean-up to do than normal.  They’ve assured me that Rhi is doing okay.  I just wanted to let you know.  I’ll text after I know more._  

I sit back and try to clear my mind.  I’m restless, which hasn’t happened in a long time.  I breathe in deep and try to center myself, just like Rhi taught me years ago.  I push thoughts out of my mind and try to feel earth. I try to feel the energy of earth and let it cement my feet more into the floor.  

 

_************************************************************************************_

 

_“Are you going to walk a whole in the carpet?” I hear Rhi question me, but I refuse to pay her any attention.  “I really to do like this carpet.”  Still I ignore her.  All I can do is think about everything going on and everything that is riding on the next few months.  “Val.”  I abruptly am stopped by running into a solid surface and only after I stumble slightly do I register hands on my shoulders to steady me._

_“Rhi, please, I am trying to work this out in my head.”  I try to walk around her to continue my pacing.  I can’t seem to think about anything, but if I stop moving the panic threatens to overtake me._

_“Come.”  That is all the warning I have before Rhi takes my head and is heading outside.  I pull her back and try to fight as I need to stay doing what I was so I can try to think._

_Next thing I know I am staring at the floor, Rhi’s ass, and her bare feet moving.  I know better than to fight her because I’ve never been able to over-power her.  I just allow her to carry me through the house.  I watch the carpet of my room give way to the hall and kitchen hardwood floors.  I hear my father’s surprised noise give away to small chuckles as we pass by the livingroom and I hear the porch door opening moments before feeling the heart of the late afternoon sun surround us.  I watch the wood decking of the porch, give way to gravel, and eventually lush grass.  Then my world is righting and my feet sink into the cool grass under the large oak tree that is in the northern part of our yard.  Rhi loves this tree._

_“No.”  Rhi states gently as I open my mouth to start asking questions and to protest her carrying me out of the house like that.  Her quiet forcefulness is enough to snap my mouth shut and I look up into her eyes searching for why we are here.  She simply smiles while grasping my hands.  “Do you trust me, Val?”_

_“Yes.”  I don’t hesitate.  I trust Rhi without any doubts._

_“Okay.  I need you to stay quiet and just follow my directions without thinking about them.  Okay?”  I just nod.  “Close your eyes.”  I do.  “You are in a safe place, Val.  No one can hurt you here.  Now, I want you to take a moment to feel you.  Feel the chaos of energy bouncing around within you.  Take a moment to feel the crazy inside.”  I can feel it and I just want to move.  I want to start pacing.  “Now, I want you to feel like all of the weight in your body is settling down into your feet.  As it pools there begin to feel it passing through your feet and into the ground.”  My head seems to be lighter and my feet feel like they are concrete slabs.  “Now imagine that the earth is drawing your feet further into her.  Like you are connected.”  This is new feelings and I’m trying to stay in the now of it.  “Now, release the remaining crazy through your feet and into the earth.  Feel grounded, connected, let Earth replace your energy with the calm.”    I don’t say anything, but just slowly open my eyes in surprise when the insanity I was feeling before is now gone.  I can think and I don’t feel the need to move.  I stare into Rhi’s eyes and I know she can see my surprise.  “Congrats, Val.  You have grounded for the first time.  Use this technique when you need to quiet yourself to help make peace within.”_

 

_************************************************************************************_

 

I suddenly feel my body relax and the calmness spread throughout me. I then let out my held breath in one long, slow stream of air to push out the unease and let my body relax into its new centered calm.  I’m not normally a praying person, but I also take a moment to plead to any and all deities to take care of Rhi.  Before I reopen my eyes, I can feel someone standing near me, only moments before the scent of coffee invades my senses. 

“That smells divine!”  I exclaim and open my eyes to find Astrid holding out a cup of hot coffee to me.  “Thank you.  How did you know this is what I needed?” 

“Well, after your text, I figured it will be a long night for you and figured you might need some help to get ready for it.”  She smiles at me and seems almost uneasy.  “Um, do you mind if I sit with you for a while?” 

“Please, I could use the company.”  I pause to take a sip of my coffee and I swear that I almost moan in delight.  “I swear you put crack in your coffee!  I have never had something be so good.  I would ask you your secret, but I don’t want to die today.”  We both laugh and it seems to break the silence. 

“Rhi tells me the same thing.  I swear that I don’t do anything special to it.  But, I am glad that you enjoy it so much.”  She takes a sip of her own cup of coffee and turns toward me in her chair.  The surgical waiting room only has a few clusters of people waiting now, so we are almost alone in the large room.  “Do you mind if I ask what you were doing when I walked up?” 

“Not at all.  I was trying to center myself to help my mind and body relax from the stress.  Rhi taught it to me years ago when I’d stress about tests or life.” 

“She learned it through her culture?” 

“I’m guessing that you and Rhi have not discussed religion very much.”  She shakes her head in confirmation.  “What has she told you?” 

“I know she is Native American and Irish. I know she follows a mix of old religion, which is pagan based.  She didn’t really tell me much more than that. She seemed timid to discuss it, so I never pushed for more information. “ 

“Does what she told you bother you?”  I want to gauge where Astrid is on the religion comfortability scale.  It is a rarity to find someone that understands that there is a legit religion outside of American Christianity, which is why Rhi rarely talks about her faith.  

“Why would it bother me?”  Astrid seemed genuinely confused. 

“Most people believe in Christianity only and believe that any other religions are blasphemous.”  I take another sip of coffee.  “So, you really don’t have an issue with religions or hang ups?” 

“Well, I’ve already talked about this some with Rhi, and I’m sure it will come up more in the future.  However, I wasn’t really raised in the church.  My parents believe in God and I guess you could say that they follow the Christian path, but I was really raised that regardless of religion you needed to be a good person.  So, I was raised with more emphasis on recognizing the differences of others, but also searching for how we are all really alike.  It’s difficult to explain.”  She got flustered and blushed slightly, averting her eyes. 

“Kind of like the golden rule of treat others how you want to be treated mixed with love everyone thrown in?”  I chuckled when Astrid’s surprised eyes darted to me.  “Yeah, my father was kind of the same way.” 

“How did he take to Rhi teaching you things from her religion?”  She asked and then turned serious.  “God, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to ask such an intrusive question.  You don’t have to answer that.  In fact, forget I even asked.” 

“Astrid, it is fine.”  I rushed to cut off her rambling.  Yep, I could definitely see why Rhi was smitten with this lady.  “Really, it is okay.”  I took another sip of coffee to gather my thoughts and think back fondly of time between Rhi, my father, and myself.  “My dad was fine with Rhi teaching me stuff like that.  In fact, she helped him a few times too and I think he used some of the techniques throughout the rest of his life.  Rhi was considered my sister and often my dad forgot that he wasn’t biologically Rhi’s father too.”  

As my mind became lost in the memories of Rhi and my father, our conversation tapered off.  We still talked about small things, but Astrid seemed to understand that I needed those moments to remember things and to draw what I needed from the memories.  During this time I got to know more about Astrid, but not in a deep way.  Her actions, what she smiled at, how she could get lost in her own thoughts for a moment, you know the usual small things you learn about someone when spending time with them.  The more I knew, the more I enjoyed her company and the more I hoped that she would take the time to get to know Rhi more.  It sounded like they had a solid base built, but they also seemed perfect for each other. 

“Valarie Burke?”  I looked up at the presence next to me and startled seeing Dr. Causte sinking into a chair next to me. As he sank into the chair with a groan, or maybe it was a moan, he reached up and removed his Rolltide surgical cap.  

“Dr. Causte.”  I greeted the man with instant anxiousness.  

“Rhi is doing great.”  He landed a small relieved smile at me and I instantly relaxed.  “Do you want to go somewhere to talk about her surgery?” 

I followed Dr. Causte’s eyes to Astrid.  “No, here is fine.  This is one of Rhi’s close friends and we can discuss her case around her.” 

“How are you tonight, Astrid?”  Dr. Causte kindly addressed her. 

“Dr. Causte, I’m doing well.  Thank you for asking.”  She answered while straightening herself in her chair.  I realized at that moment that most of the hospital staff probably knew Astrid very well as they were regulars for her coffee. 

“Valarie,” Dr. Causte turned his tired eyes back to me.  “Rhiannon’s surgery was difficult.  I’ve been doing thyroid surgeries for over 20 years and I’ve never seen a thyroid like hers.”  He paused and I gripped the arm of my chair tightly.  “Her thyroid all but melted in her throat.  I don’t think it is something any of us were expecting based on the ultrasounds.  Regardless, the development meant that I had to spend a lot of time scraping every surface in her throat to make sure I left as little thyroid tissue as possible.  As we discussed in my office with Rhiannon, the less tissue remaining means less treatments later.  I’m not her Endocrinologist, but I will put in a recommendation to her doctor to proceed with the radiation iodine treatment.”  He rubbed his hands over his face and I felt sorry for the man.  Her hour and a half surgery had taken almost three and a half hours.  “Due to the hour of night and how much I had to do in her throat, I’m going to keep her at the hospital overnight.  I just want to make sure we don’t run into any other issues and it will help her to come out of the anesthesia fully before you are alone with her.  Questions?” 

“Um,”  I was racking my head trying to let his words sink in and think if I needed to know anything right then.  “What’s her recovery looking like?” 

“Well, it doesn’t change much.  Her vocal cords are fine.  They may be very raw for longer and she might be hoarse or unable to speak for quite a while until they heal.  That is just because I had to do so much scraping around and on them.  I’m going insist she stays out of work for 2 weeks instead of 1, just so the raw areas from scrapping will have more time to heal.”  

“Will she get to go home tomorrow?  She’ll want to know when she wakes up.” 

“Oh yes.”  He chuckled.  “I know she’ll want to know everything when she wakes up, but I’ll be back in the morning to discharge her and talk to you both.  I want to make sure she is alert when we talk about her medication schedule and restrictions. Plus,” he laid a hand over mine that was still gripping the chair arm in a death grip.  “I don’t want to keep you any longer.  The nurse should be out to take you to her soon and then you’ll be heading to a room.  Anything else?”

 “Nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow.”  I stood up as he stood.  “Thank you, Dr. Causte.”  I reached to shake his hand.  “Thank you for taking care of Rhiannon today.” 

He nodded and walked away with a tired gait.  I looked at the clock and cringed when I saw it was after ten at night.  I felt like today was the longest day of my life and I knew it wasn’t over yet. Somehow, I knew it was going to be a really long night, but tomorrow, we’d be home and able to start healing.  Tomorrow would be a better today.  However, today Rhiannon fought a great battle and won.  That victory was blessing. 

“Well, I’ll let you get ready to start the rest of your night.  I would tell you to give Rhiannon a hug for me, but something tells me she won’t remember it.”  Astrid stood up with me.  

“Thank you for keeping me company, Astrid.”  I tried to put all of my emotions into my smile.  “And thank you for the crack you pass off as coffee.”  We both chuckled at the joke.  I moved to engulf the woman in a hug to convey what my smile couldn’t.  I was truly grateful for her company and kindness on this evening.           

“Um,” Astrid seemed a little flustered.  “Uh, I’ll stop by in the morning with some breakfast for both of you.  Just text me once she’s awake and asking for food, or when you get hungry.  No need to subject yourself to the cafeteria for food.  At least I’ll know that your bellies are full.” 

“You don’t have to do that.”  I didn’t want to put her out and she did have a business to run.  

“No, I want to.”  She fidgeted some and I could tell there was more, but I was too tired to guess, so I waited.  “I’d really like to see Rhiannon before you take her home tomorrow.  Breakfast just gives me an excuse to come by.”  It was hard to believe that prior to today I was a stranger to Astrid and that unbeknownst to Rhi, the relationship between the two friends advanced by leaps and bounds.  

“I’m sure Rhi will love that you want to stop by.”  I smiled warmly at the woman.  I noticed a nurse approaching the waiting room, so I knew the night adventures would begin soon.  “I’ll text you in the morning so you know how she is doing.  You have my number if you want to check on her before the morning.  Thank you again, Astrid.”


	6. Breakfast Delivery

 A **strid**

I stared at my orderly desk and felt like it was the world laughing at me.   What I saw before me was usually how I kept my life.  Everything had a place and I was able to keep everything nice, neat, and orderly.  Today was different.  Today I felt different.  Not bad, not panicked, which both surprised me.  After leaving the hospital last night, I went home and replayed the day over and over in my head.  I tried to dissect each aspect, every word, and every action.  Nope, none of it was my nice, neat, and orderly life, but I also didn’t want to change a thing.  I remembered Val’s initial talk with me and she told me to choose.  She wanted me to choose if I wanted to be in Rhiannon’s life or if I wanted to walk away given the rough road ahead.           Leave Rhiannon?  I thought about this all night.  Without really having to think about my next actions, I knew that I didn’t want to walk away.  Walking away was not an option.  So, instead, I replayed Rhiannon and I’s every interaction that I could remember and tried to understand how she had moved from an acquaintance to something beyond a friend. How I went from exchanging hellos to looking for her within the crowd every day.  Then it moved to me craving to see her, to spend time with her, and to know her more.  On the other hand, she had plenty of time to ask for my number, to ask me out, to do something to indicate that I was more than a coffee shop owner that she liked to have conversations with occasionally.  But I wanted to hold onto every small moment that my instinct told me that she cared for me too, but something was holding her back.  Regardless of what her blush, small stutter, and eyes lighting up when we hang out might mean, now is not the time to push for an explanation or for more.  Now is the time to show Rhiannon that I’m in her corner, that I’m going to be there.  Rhiannon was in the midst of fighting a battle for her life and I wanted to be a source of strength to draw from.  I wanted to give her a reason to hold onto hope, to continue reaching for the light that would bring her through this, and help her in whatever way she needed.  So, today was the day that I would have to be brave and take my first steps toward a future that I was not certain about.  Today I would start by offering my friendship and support to Rhiannon, and I prayed that she wouldn’t push me away. 

Astrid: _How’s the patient this morning?_

Val:  _Grumpy._

Astrid:  _Uh, oh.  You okay? Ready for some breakfast?_

Val:  _They ordered her something, but I wouldn’t really call it food and her coffee looks like oil in a mud puddle._

I laughed at Val’s frankness, but my heart also went out to both of them.  Hospital food was never exciting and really shouldn’t be consumed if it could be helped.  The chime of a new text message interrupted my thoughts. 

Val: _She’s sipping on water and waiting for the doc to show up.  She’s ready to blow this popsicle stand._  

Astrid:  _How is she, Val?_

My nervousness took over and I sprang into action.  If they had already delivered breakfast, then they were expecting the doctor soon.  I didn’t want to miss my chance to see Rhiannon before she left for home. I rushed to the front counter and began to gather items to make a decent breakfast for both Val and Rhiannon.  Brigit looked at me like I had lost my mind, but then she turned and started making a few drinks and I finally felt like the grasp of my nerves give way to excitement of being able to bring a little joy to Rhiannon today. 

Val: _It has been quite a night.  We’ve been up about every 45 min to pee, which hasn’t helped her rest.  She’s frustrated because she can’t talk very well.  At best she can whisper, but most of the time she sounds like she has laryngitis or is a pubescent boy._

 Astrid:  _I’ll be up soon.  I’m almost done down here._  

“Brigit, I,” I began but Brigit cut me off quickly by holding out a carrying tray with four drinks.               

“Astrid, just go.”  She smiled and her eyes softened some.  “I know you need to go see her.  I made two warm coffees and two frappes.  I know they didn’t actually work on her throat, but the cold might soothe any soreness she has.”  She turned to the sandwiches I fixed and began to bag them up and then turned to pick up a larger bag filled with some muffins.  “Here.  That should get them through the hospital and they can take the left-overs home.  I have the shop, Astrid.” 

Ten minutes later I stood outside Rhiannon’s door and was gathering every brave nerve I could to actually knock on the door.  What if Rhiannon didn’t want any visitors or if I would make her uncomfortable.  Maybe she just wanted to be left alone.  The heavy tray in my hands finally pushed me to lightly knock on the door and stick my head around the corner.  Val’s head immediately whipped up from the back of her chair and her eyes darted to Rhiannon in the hospital bed.  She waved me in and I quickly made to sit the tray down on small counter near Val. 

I turned to check on Rhiannon, relieved that I had already put down my tray.  Rhiannon lie in the bed asleep, her features not quite relaxed, but not quite scrunched.  My breath caught because even though she was pale and the hospital gown did nothing for her complexion, she was still beautiful.  In that one moment, I wanted to shield her from everything in the world.  I wanted to stroke my finger down the small line in her forehead to smooth out the wrinkles in her life.  I wanted to see her at peace.  My eyes scanned her quickly taking in the IVs in both hands and then I saw a dark line on her throat.  I took a step closer to find that there seemed to be a layer or tape or something over the line, but it was also very much an incision.  The actual incision only ran about 3 inches, or maybe 4, but it still covered almost all of the front of her neck area.  I nervously glanced back to Val hoping my face asked all of the questions that my mouth didn’t seem able to say. 

“She finally fell asleep shortly after you first texted me.”  Val whispered in my ear as she held me in a tight hug hello.  “She’s had a rough night and I can’t wait to get her home so she can actually rest.  This is not usually a surgical floor, per the nurse on shift last night.  But they took Rhiannon’s case because she was mobile and I promised to stay the night.  Anyway, the floor has had a lot of traffic and it has been harder for them to get her pain under control.  I honestly don’t know if it is the length of time between doses, or if Rhi isn’t saying anything until she’s already hurting so much she can’t stand it.” Val looked almost as pale as Rhiannon and I wondered if she had any sleep during the night or if she was running on pure adrenaline and caffeine. 

“I’m glad she is finally resting.”  I whispered back as my heart ached that Rhiannon was in so much pain.  She needed to rest, so her body could heal.  “I can’t help her pain too much, but I can replace the motor oil they brought to you.”  I pulled Val toward the drink tray and bag of food. 

 “Val?” We both turned quickly at the hoarse whisper from the bed.  

“I’m right here Rhi.” Val stepped around me and moved over to Rhiannon’s bed. 

“Why are they torturing me?”  My own throat hurt from hearing Rhiannon trying to talk. 

“Torture?”  Val glanced at me as if I had the answer to this question.  “Rhi, are you in pain?” 

“Coffee.”  Rhi interrupted Val and I held in my chuckle at the drug-laden ramblings.  “I smell coffee.  Astrid’s coffee.”  Her voice dropped in volume the more she used it.  “It is torture.” Val chuckled at the pout that came across Rhiannon’s face and my heart dropped to my stomach.  I was trying to clamp down on the panic trying to rise in my mind that Rhiannon didn’t want me in the room.  

“Well, you are smelling Astrid’s coffee.” 

“You saw Astrid?”  Rhiannon interrupted.  When she smiled my panic immediately stopped.  “I want to go see Astrid.” 

“Well,” Val was trying hard not to laugh at Rhiannon and my panic stopped.  In its place, I felt happiness.  She wanted to see me.  That was a good thing. “Astrid is here.”  

“Yeah,” Rhiannon whispered her response can closed her eyes again.  “I know she’s in the hospital.  I wish I could go to see her.  Can we go when I get discharged?”  Her voice broke slightly and I cringed, knowing that all of this talking wasn’t good for her throat.  

“No, Rhi.  Astrid is here.  Like in your room.”  

It took a moment for Val’s words to sink in, but then Rhi jerked awake and made to move in her bed.  At the same time Val and I sprang forward to stop Rhiannon’s movements before she could hurt herself, but at the same time she winced in pain and fell back into the bed.  Her hands shot to her necks about the same time as both Val and I had our hands on her shoulders.  She kept her eyes closed and I could tell she was trying to fight through the pain and calm herself.  Val was murmuring calming noises in hushed tones near Rhiannon’s ear.  I kept my hand lightly on Rhiannon’s shoulder for comfort, but it didn’t really register that I had my hand on her.  Well, not until her breath evened out and she opened her eyes staring right at me.  I found it hard to breathe being so close to those like brown eyes that seemed to pierce into my soul. 

“Hi.”  Rhiannon whispered, staring into my eyes while she smiled and a faint blush colored her checks for a moment. 

“Hi.”  I said a little more breathy than I planned. 

Once I realized that my hand remained on her shoulder, I gave it one last small squeeze and then let my hand drop as I finished standing up.  I took a small step down so she could see me better, while Val gently helped Rhiannon to sit up more comfortably.  Rhiannon then began to run her hands over her gown and through her hair, trying to make sure she was presentable.  She then rearranged the sheet to make sure it covered her.  I wanted to giggle at her actions because it was classic Rhiannon.  This was her nervous tick that I noticed after our second meeting and each time it became more adorable than the last time.  Part of me felt bad that my visit was a surprise to her, but part of me was really glad that I got to see it.  At least now I know that she wants me around her. 

“Thanks for coming.”  Rhiannon whispered quietly to me. 

“Well,” I flashed her a big smile.  “Val said they were serving you mud puddles filled with motor oil instead of coffee.  So, I didn’t want to imagine what they were trying to pass off as food.”  Rhiannon’s face went from confusion to understanding quickly.  Her eyes were glancing around the room until they landed on the tray of drinks and bag near Val.  Her face broke into even a bigger smile.  “Since I just happened to have finished a big sheet of mixed pastries for the shop and I just happened to have access to real coffee, I decided to swoop in to save the day.”               

Rhiannon turned her head back to look at me and the happiness on her face froze me in place.  Rhiannon’s smile was one of her best features because she smiled with everything she is instead of containing it to only her lips.  But today, the happiness seemed to radiate off of her and it froze me.  I wanted to look away for a moment to compose myself or to stop the intensity, but I couldn’t look away and I felt like I couldn’t breathe again.  I lost myself in the space between her eyes and mine and would have remained lost if it wasn’t for Val clearing her throat.  It broke my trance enough that I glanced in her direction.  I could already feel the heat burning up from my neck to my cheeks without seeing her holding back a chuckle.               

“Astrid, do you mind to stay with Rhi for a moment?  The nurses keep asking me to come to the nurse’s station to sign some kind of papers for Rhi.”  She started walking to the door before I could answer.  “I will be back in a little bit.”  She grabbed a drink and a pastry as she exited the room without another word, but pulling the door shut behind her. 

I stared after Val trying to overcome my earlier embarrassment of losing myself in Rhiannon’s smile.  I needed to show Rhiannon that I’m here to be her friend and to show her that I’m in her corner, not scare her off by showing how much I like her.  Now is not the time start down that road.  With that I sprang into action by wheeling the tray of drinks and bag of food over toward Rhiannon.  I adjusted it to be on her level.  

“I brought a mix of things.  Brigit made the drinks and insisted that you might want both something warm and cold to help soothe your throat.  So, here are your usual hot and cold drinks.  Then I brought an assortment of pastries and muffins for you to choose from.”  I glanced up from the treats to find that Rhiannon was watching me intently.  Knowing that she was paying such close attention to me made my hands still immediately as I tried to chase away the nervousness that seemed to spike within me.  “Is there anything specific you’d like to try this morning or do you just want your usual blueberry muffin?” 

“Usual.” Her voice sounded even more strained and cracked a few times on the simple word. 

I took the Frappe out of the drink holder, unwrapped the straw, and placed the drink out on the wheeled tray next to Rhiannon.  Then I took a blueberry muffin, peeled off the paper, and l laid the muffin on a paper napkin next to the Frappe.  I then pushed the tray as close to Rhiannon’s side of the bed as possible.  She reached out to break apart the muffin into the pieces she preferred to eat the baked good and grasp the Frappe, but the gasp that escaped my mouth made both of us freeze our actions.  Rhiannon’s wrists were both wrapped in white gauze and deep bruising was present below the dressings.  I quickly scooted the tray over and gently grasped her hand that was near the muffin.  I gently turned her hand over, supporting it on her forearm with one hand while gently running my fingertips over the bruising below her bandage and even above the bandage into her palm.  I then took the other hand away from her Frappe and inspected it in the same way.  I glanced up to find Rhiannon staring down at her wrists with such sadness that fear overtook me. 

“Rhiannon?”  My voice was barely a whisper and I searched her face hoping it could tell me answers to the questions I didn’t want to ask.  These wounds and bandages wasn’t something that I expected with her surgery and Val hadn’t said that anything else had happened. 

She tried to speak, but her voice wasn’t there.  She used the hand I didn’t have ahold of and took a few sips of the Frappe sitting next to her.  “Battle wounds.”  She barely got the words out, but then gave me a small smile.  I looked back down at the hand I was still holding and knew I needed to let it go, but part of me didn’t want to.  These new bruises brought back my urge to protect this woman before me. I began to sit her hand back down so I could let it go, but before I could Rhiannon flipped my hand over and gently pulled on my hand.  “Sit?” 

The only chair in the room was half across the room.  I turned away from Rhiannon to retrieve the chair, but Rhiannon tightened her hold on my hand even more.  I whipped my eyes back around to meet her gaze.  I barely contained my surprise at seeing her so unsure and timid.  I’d never seen Rhiannon anything other than the confident woman that brought smiles to everyone around her.  She then dropped my hand, scooted over, and moved her legs up to sit Indian-style.  She patted a place near me on her bed and I slowly lowered myself to sit on her hospital bed.  Everything seemed different between us, which is crazy because we often sat close to each other during our coffee conversations at the shop.  This still felt different. 

I went to speak, but my voice shook a little, so I covered it by clearing my throat.  “Thanks.” I readjusted myself slightly to fit on the bed better while still being able to face Rhiannon.  “I hope you don’t mind that I wanted to visit.”  I smiled a little and tucked my hair behind my ear because I as fidgety.  Rhiannon tapped me on my knee to get my attention and gave me a questioning look.  “I’m sorry.  Val said you were having lot of problems with talking and that you were in some pain.”  I nervously moved a little to get up.  “I should let you rest.” 

Rhiannon placed her hand on the same knee that she tapped because it was closest to her.  This paused my motions, but I was scared to look back up at her.  I was scared that she’s wave at me and I wouldn’t have a reason to stay, but then part of me worried that I’d find her staring at me with her soft, light brown eyes that seemed to melt me on the spot.  Over the past few months we had reached this same atmosphere on several occasions.  However, one of us would always need to leave or help a customer, which helped clear the air.  It was a feeling I both craved and feared.  I then felt her remove her hand from my knee only to feel it on my forearm that was resting on my leg. 

“Pip?”  The distinct sound of her lips making the popping sound that she always did while saying my nickname is what alerted me that she spoke and helped me to find the courage to meet her eyes again. She pointed to herself, “happy.”  She then pointed to me and said, “here” while pointing down at the bed.  I was confused for a moment, but then understood she was trying to minimizer her words to save her throat. 

“I’m happy I am here too.”  I smiled at her and she returned it.  This brought me hope that we’d move on from the awkwardness.  

 “Why question?”  She took a few more small sips on the Frappe and breathed out a sigh as the cool liquid hit her throat. Shit!  Of course, Rhiannon wouldn’t let something like that go without digging further. 

“Oh, um,” I paused trying to decide how to move forward. Maybe I needed to just let it go, let my questions go unanswered for now.  No, I needed to know something for her to know that I was going to be there for her.  ““Val came by yesterday and told me about everything.  I wasn’t sure you’d want me here since you hadn’t said anything to me.”  There it was out there.  My insecurities over why she hadn’t told me about the cancer, about the surgery, or anything.   

“Oh.”  She leaned back slightly at my words and her hand slid off my arm.  I immediately missed her hand and regretted my words.  And there it was, there was my answer.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I was scared that if I didn’t leave I wouldn’t be able to stop them. 

“Well, I guess I should get back to the shop.” I began to twist to remove myself from her bed. 

“Stay?”  It was one whispered word, but it stopped me.  I looked back at her and found her eyes reflecting my own uncertainty.  I didn’t say anything, but sat back down and resumed my earlier position.  She took a few more sips of her drink before trying to speak.  “I owe you an apology.” 

“No, you…” 

“Please.”  Rhiannon interrupted my protest and looked at me with pleading eyes.  She took a few more sips, closed her eyes, and then reopened her eyes landing them back into mine with such sincerity.  “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how.”  More sips of Frappe and she looked down at the bed that lay between us.  “I was afraid.”  She took more sips of her drink.  “So little time together to fill it with something so dark.” Her few words shot straight into my heart and I hurt for her all over again.  She still hadn’t looked at me again, but remained staring at the bed.  

I knew that it was time to put myself out there.  I took a deep breath and gently moved closer to her on the bed.  I then shakily moved my hand to gently rub over her forearm.  “Rhiannon, I can’t begin to know what this is like for you.”  She still hadn’t attempted to raise her eyes to me, so I moved my hand from her forearm to place my index and middle fingertips under her chin.  I didn’t want to put any force on her chin as I didn’t want to hurt her, but I wanted her to see the truth in my words, so I needed her to look at me.  Once her eyes met mine, they seemed to be searching mine with such worry that I wanted to gather the woman in my arms and hold her close to me.  I settled for making sure she knew I meant what I was about to say.  “I am here, Rhiannon.  I am here for you and you can count on me.”  Her shoulders relaxed slightly and it gave me the courage to continue.  I removed my hand from her chin and grasped her hand this time.  Holding it between both of mine.  “I _want_ to be here Rhiannon, but I want something beyond the coffee shop chats.  Don’t get me wrong, I love our chats, but I want more.”  Her brow furrowed slightly, so I rushed on before she could say anything else.  “I want to be a part of your life.  I don’t want to hear about something like this from someone else again.  I want to be here for you.”  I stopped because nothing seemed to be coming out right. 

I felt Rhiannon’s other hand close over mine and I was surprised to see a tear slip down her cheek.  She mouthed, “thank you”, but no sound came out of her mouth.  I moved my hand from under our clasped hands to gently wipe away the stray tear and smiled at her while meeting her eyes again.  “I want you in my life too.”  She whispered those words and my heart soared.  I just nodded, placed my hand back with our other clasped hands, and let the happiness spread throughout my whole body.  She wants me in her life!


	7. Going Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I want to thank anyone that has made it this far or is following this story. I hope you are enjoying it. I'd love to hear some feedback to see what you like or what you don't like. This is my first fiction to put out and want to make sure that I'm reaching an audience and holding your attention. Thanks, again, for reading.
> 
> Just a reminder that ---------- breaks indicate a gap in time, while ********* indicate a flash back.

**Chapter 7 – Going Home**

 

**Rhiannon**

 

I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other as we slowly walked from the car to the house.  If I kept track of what leg needed to move next, it kept my mind off of the throbbing in my chest, neck, and head.  It also helped me concentrate on not collapsing in exhaustion.  Right foot. Left foot.  Step up with my right foot.  Step up with my left foot.  Every time I would wobble, Val’s grip on my waist and arm would tighten while she’d stop all movement while telling me she has me.  Normally, I would tell her that I could do it myself and push her away, but her closeness comforted me today.  I know that she stopped me from eating a mouthful of concrete on at least two occasions since we left the hospital.  I knew when I was more rested I would hate that I needed her so much, but right now I was grateful that she was standing next to me. 

“You want to go straight to bed?”  Val asked as she hung onto me with one arm while unlocking the door with the other. 

“No.” I tried to talk loud enough for Val to hear me, but I had over-used my voice for the day.  Val had to ask me to repeat myself and lean almost right up to my face to hear me.  I didn’t dare shake my head.  No one told me how sore I’d be after surgery.  I mean, I knew I’d be sore as I’ve had surgery before, but I wasn’t this kind of sore.  Any movement of my head sent pain exploding through my chest and neck. 

“Okay.”  We stepped into the front door and paused again while Val closed and locked the door.  “Want to sit with me at the table and we’ll go over this medication schedule?”  I gave her a thumbs up signal to let her know I was okay with that. 

Another thing that no one spoke about prior to the surgery was my medication schedule.  The surgeon mentioned that I’d have to take a few supplements of calcium and magnesium to help my body replace what it couldn’t produce, but he didn’t talk about the quantity.  Most people were told to chew on tums for the calcium and it was enough.  Nope, not me.  They tried tums in the hospital, but my body wasn’t absorbing enough calcium, so they switched me to calcium supplements.  However, they had to be a special brand that didn’t have any added vitamins.  The hospital provided me enough supplements to get through the first day, but strongly suggested we find some as soon as we could.  They handed me the bottle of pills and my eyes bugged out at the quantity.  I asked to clarify that these were for the first day and the nurse confirmed it again.  

I asked if it was normal to have to take this amount of pills and was told that it was for someone that had difficulties like mine.  You see, my surgeon told me before releasing me that he had never seen a thyroid behave like mine and he’d been doing these surgeries for over twenty years.  You got to love when you can stump a seasoned surgeon.  My surgery had lasted about three times as long as it should because my thyroid, for lack of better wording, melted in my neck.  So, my surgeon had to scrape every surface to get as many thyroid cells out of my body as possible.  During this mess, he thought he had left one parathyroid, but found that he had removed all of them.  So, he took the only salvageable parathyroid, chopped it up, and then implanted it into my neck tissue.  Dr. Causte is uncertain if it will regenerate, but he hopes it will.  He also told me that I’d be stuck with little to no voice for quite a while.  I guess he had to do extensive scraping on my vocal chords, so I was lucky to be speaking at all. 

Val handed me a sheet of paper, the instructions from my doctor, and an ink pen.  She smiled at me and left me to my job.  Now I had to figure out how to schedule all my meds.  The thyroid medication that I’d now be on for life had a warning on the label, and the pharmacist stressed, I could not take calcium supplements within 4 hours before or after the medication.  Also, I had to take this medication fasting.  However, I had to take the calcium supplements every 4 hours and it required me to eat a small snack to help my stomach not become irritated.  Then I had to fit in the magnesium pills, pain medication, and anti-inflammatories.  So, the two weeks that I was allotted to have off to recover from surgery was really a grace period to get a routine down for meds.  Sneaky bastards. 

I finished the list and then I began to count pills.  Forty-eight pills every day!  Nope, that can’t be right.  I recounted.  Forty-eight fucking pills every twenty-four hours!!  I laid my forehead into my hands and scrubbed at my face.  The words came back to me, “This will be a walk in the park.”  Yeah, maybe a drug-infested park to meet your dealer.  Ugh!  So, they take an organ from my body that is very important in many systems to make my body run right, then they give me forty-eight pills to take every day, but then say that this is easy.  Okay, I can do this.  Do I like it?  No.  Do I have a choice?  Nope.  So, I’ll cowgirl up and do what has to be done 

“Holy shit!”  Val’s voice next to me startled me because I hadn’t heard her come back to the kitchen.  “Is that your pill schedule?”  I barely nodded.  “Is that the total pill number?”  I slightly nod again as the movement puts pressure on my incision, but my voice is almost all the way gone.  “Rhi!”  I turn and smile at her because she is voicing the outrage that is running through my mind.  She takes a deep breath and plops into the chair next to me.  “Okay.  We can do this.  Let’s finish this list and I’ll go hit every drug and health store in the state to find everything you need.”  Yep, that’s the Val I know. 

 

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I listened to the door close behind Val and the silence that filled the house.  Val had helped me back to my bed, so I could lay down.  I had forced down some Jello, took all my pills, and then decided I was too tired to do anything else.  So, Val helped me to change into lounge clothes.  That is when we discovered that every t-shirt I used to sleep in seemed to feel too tight against my throat and upon laying down I couldn’t breathe.  So, Val grabbed a pair of scissors and suddenly I had a V-neck t-shirt.  

Now, I’m waiting for the pain meds to kick in so the throbbing in my neck will subside.  Val left the tv remotes, a big glass of ice water with a straw, the landline phone, and my cell phone all laid out on the bed next to me and on the bedside table.  Before she agreed to leave me alone, she made me demonstrate that I could reach every single thing she laid out, and that I was able to pull up the comforter if I got chilled.  Most would think that I’d be annoyed at how much Val has been stuck to me since I awoke from surgery, but honestly, it has comforted me.  I know that I’m not in this alone.  I know that she is playing mama bear because she’s as worried about everything as I am.  So, I let her because it will only bring comfort to both of us. 

While waiting for the pain meds, I begin to rethink about my day.  I still can’t believe that Astrid brought me breakfast this morning.  I could kick myself for not having told her about all of this, but I just couldn’t find the words during our last meeting prior to surgery.  Things felt different with her today than other days.  We’ve shared many coffee, chats, and even the occasional hug over the last year.  But today the connection seemed deeper and I liked it.  Val had questioned me about our alone time this morning after she returned to find me holding onto Astrid’s hand.  Of course, both of us had dropped the touch as soon as the door opened, but Val had seen and smirked at the startled looks on both our faces.  I could follow the blush rising on Astrid’s neck and knew my ears were probably a dark red.  I tried to recap the conversation in the most general way possible without going into too many details.  I already knew that Val thought I needed to make a move on Astrid through our conversations before surgery.  She had reiterated this opinion after hearing the watered-down version of this morning’s events. 

I didn’t mention that Astrid specifically asked to be included in my life beyond the coffee shop.  In the past year, I analyzed almost every conversation with Astrid trying to find any indication that she wanted to deepen the friendship, but every time I came back with even more mixed signals.  So, I maintained what she would allow.  I would offer deeper stories about my life hoping that it would eventually lead to her offering her number, but she never did.  I still remember the flash of jealousy that came over her face when she thought I had hickeys, but really it was bruising from my biopsy.  However, the look came and went so fast that I convinced myself that I was misreading things. 

Even today she didn’t say she wanted to be in my life in any certain capacity, but at least she wanted to be in my life.  I really want to ask her out.  To take that leap and make her know that I think about her more than one should think about a friend.  But, now is not the time to even think like that.  She wouldn’t want me now that she knows what I’m going through.  Who wants to accept a date invitation from the cancer chick?  I can’t waste energy wishing for what can’t be.  I need that extra energy to heal, to fight, and to live.  

Then why can’t I get her out of my head.  I can still feel her hand on mine.  How her skin felt under my fingers.  I’ve never been as daring as I was today with her.  I’ve never just reached out and touched someone before.  I’ve always held back because I always fear that she will think I’m hitting on her, that she won’t like that idea, and then I’ll lose a friendship over something as simple as a touch of my hand to her arm.  This isn’t necessarily the same with Astrid, but I hold most of my female friends at a distance because I never want them to question my actions or if a hug means more than a hug.  Yes, having my guard up so much is tiring, but a necessity.  So, why was my guard down with Astrid?  I wanted to reach out to her.  Hell, if I’m honest, I needed to reach out to her.  Something about crossing that line provided me with comfort, but I shouldn’t have crossed the line.  No, Astrid didn’t run today and she hadn’t jerked her hand out of my grasp.  Was she okay with today? 

I groped the bed next to me trying to find my cell.  I quickly went to the contacts and chose Astrid’s name.  Man, I was lucky she insisted on entering her number in my phone before leaving today.  I smiled back thinking about the whole situation

 

**********************************************************************

 

 _“Where is your phone?”  Astrid asked looking around the room searching for my phone._

_“Val.”  I said quietly._

_Val quickly located my phone in her bag and handed it to Astrid with a smile.  Astrid fiddled with the phone for a moment before a frown came over her face.  She then handed the phone back to Val, which resulted in Val punching at my screen and handing the cell back to Astrid.  I wasn’t sure which I should be more worried about, that Val had cracked my security code, or that Astrid had open access to my cell._

_Astrid still sat on my bed and I took a moment to just take her in.  She was intently typing something on my phone with her thumbs, but she was gently biting her lip in concentration. She paused her typing to tuck some hair behind her ear.  The motion in itself seemed like a nervous twitch for her as I had seen her do this many times during our coffee chats.  A small part of me was happy that she seemed a little self-conscious or nervous.  Then at least I was not alone._

_“Here.”  She held my cell phone out to me.  I gently reached out to take it from her hand.  “My number is now in your phone.  I suggest that you use it.”_

_She then made a quick excuse that she needed to get back to the shop, bid us both goodbye, and quickly retreated.  I couldn’t erase the smile off my face and couldn’t quite remove my eyes from the open screen on my cell.  She entered her contact info under Astrid “Pip” Connor and she had starred her information as a favorite._

 

_**********************************************************************_

 

Rhi: _Hey!  I just wanted to say hi and thank you again for this morning.  I hope your day is going well._  

I reread the text probably five times before I pressed the send key.  Too late to take it back now.  But, she did tell me to use her number.  Val even mentioned that the two of them texted over the last few days, so surely she wouldn’t be upset.  My phone’s text notification rang out and stopped me from worrying further. 

Astrid: _Hi.  Who is this?_  

Rhi: _Do you have many people texting you and thanking you for their mornings?_  

I quickly hit send before I could rethink the text or think about how many different ways it could be inappropriate. 

Astrid:  _Wouldn’t you like to know!?! *winking smiley face*  How are you feeling?_  

I could see the blush rising up her face in my mind.  

Rhi: _Are you still trying to figure out who this is or do you always ask one how they feel after they thank you for the morning?_  

My smile couldn’t get any bigger as I tried not to chuckle at my own joking as laughing really seemed to make things hurt worse.

Astrid:  _Again, wouldn’t you like to know!?!  *evil smiley face*_  

Astrid:  _Let me try a different approach.  How are you feeling this afternoon, Rhiannon?_  

I could think of many responses to her questions, but I’ll behave.  Knowing Astrid, her blush was probably already to her ears. 

Rhi:  _Val put me to bed and now I’m waiting for the pain pills to kick in._  

Astrid:  _So…..do pain pills make you loopy?_  

Rhi:  _Not usually.  Why?_  

Astrid:  _Just checking on what version of Rhiannon I’m talk with and how much of this you’d remember later._  

Rhi: _Oh, I’ll remember!  But seriously, thank you for this morning.  I’m really glad that you came to see me.  The fact that you brought my favorite breakfast was an added bonus. The Frappe helped to soothe the throat the rest of the morning.  Thank you for saving the day._  

Astrid:  _That’s me…Super Pip to the rescue!  LOL *laughing smiley*  Is Val whipping up something fantastic for your dinner?_  

Rhi:  _No.  Val is out searching for a specific calcium supplement that I have to take._  

Astrid:  _You are alone?_  

Rhi:  _Yep._  

Astrid:  _So, this is probably overstepping the line or invading your personal space, but do you need me to come over until Val gets back?  I don’t think you are supposed to be left alone for the first 24 hours after surgery!_  

Awwww.  She cares about me!  That thought brought another smile to my face and I felt my eyes start burning with tiredness. 

Rhi:  _No.  I’m fine.  I am getting sleepier and I promised I wouldn’t get out of bed until she got back.  Plus, I have my phone if I need any help._  

My phone stayed silent for a few minutes after that text and I worried the conversation was over.  I scrolled back through the messages and realized I hadn’t fully addressed her earlier statement. 

Rhi:  _And for the record….you are always welcome in my home.  You didn’t overstep or invade my personal space.  Thank you for thinking of me and making sure I’m okay._  

I could feel my eyes drooping, but I wanted to send one last text. 

Rhi: _Oh, and I am totally getting you a cape for Super Pip!  Well, I think my pills are finally kickin’ in.  Have a good night.  Bye for now.  *Smiley face*_  

Astrid:  _Sleep well, Rhiannon._

I felt my eyelids growing heavier, but I just kept smiling.  Astrid was willing to stop everything and come hang out with me, just so I wouldn’t be alone.  She is so nice!  Maybe I would get the other answers from her eventually.  Maybe I am curious who else thanks her for their mornings.  Maybe I really didn’t want to know.  Astrid stayed pretty tight-lipped about whom she dated or even if she dated.  That subject just never seemed to come up in our chats and I never felt comfortable enough to ask.  I knew she wasn’t in a steady relationship as Val had hinted that Astrid was available.  Why should I even be concerned with this? Now is NOT the time to be thinking about these things.

 


	8. Calcium Tingles

**Chapter 8 – Calcium Tingles**

 

**Rhi**

What the fuck is happening?  I’m fully aware of my surroundings and something isn’t right.  I slowly start a mental check on my body.  Why the hell can’t I feel my face?!?  Okay, just breathe.  In. Out. In.  Why is my arms, hands, and entire chest tingling and numb?  What the hell!!!  I can feel the full blown panic rising within me and know I have to pull it together.  I reach up with my hands to touch on my face, but can’t feel anything.  I can’t feel my fingers grazing my face!  I start tapping my fingers up my face toward my eyes and suddenly I feel the ripple of the muscles jerking in my left check.  I have feeling!!!  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Man, this is the oddest sensation.  I tap my fingers along my check again just to feel the jerking of the muscles.  I can still twitch, then I’m still alive.  I take another moment to just lie there and take in this feeling trying to calm my breathing.  I know something is wrong, but somewhere within me I know it will be fine.

I slowly get out of bed, wincing as the pain shoots through my neck area with the effort of moving.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you never use your neck muscles.  I swear your neck muscles help you blink! Did you know that you flex your neck muscles when you pee, get up from lying or sitting down, eat, drink, sleep, swallow, nod or shake your head, laugh….yeah, you get the point.  My cell phone starts to play a tune from Mario Brothers and flash.  I want to hang my head in disgust and scream in frustration, but both would just make me more frustrated.  That’s my calcium alarm.  Time to go take pills and get food.  You know what else hurts your neck?  Swallowing horse pills!  I’m so tired of pills and I’ve barely started with them.  I slide my finger across my phone to silence the alarm.

The house is quiet today, too quiet.  You would think that I would enjoy some quiet time and that it would be needed to heal, but the silence only reminds me that Val isn’t here today.  Val’s company, the one that promised her she could work remotely, decided they needed her to personally kiss some VIP client’s ass today.  So, she was out catering to some clients instead of being here with me.  Am I angry about it?  I’m kind of pissed that her company could be that heartless, but I’m not mad at Val.  She either has to kiss ass or hit the unemployment line.  Regardless how needy I feel, I could never hold her back from doing what her job needed her to do.  She still has to bring home the bacon to her family, so I just have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it today.  But I miss the comfort of the low murmur of the tv and the click-clacking of her laptop keys as she does whatever she does for her job.

I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and plop down at the table.  Ouch!  Maybe I shouldn’t have plopped because that hurts the neck too.  I may not be able to feel the neck right now, but it sure can hurt.  I pull over my medicine schedule and start to collect the required pills for this time of the day.  I also pick out a granola bar from the basket of snacks that Val prepared and sat in the middle of the table next to the basket of my pill bottles.   While grazing on the granola bar and scheduled pills I open a folder that has the name of my hospital on it as I don’t remember seeing it before.  I began to take things out of the side pockets and flip through it.  A paper catches my eye because it is printed on neon green paper and is titled “When to Call Your Doctor”.  Interesting.  I read through the list of items and then read through them again, silently checking them off in my mind.  Tingles in face and/or arms/hands, check.  Numbness in face and/or arms/hands, check.  Feeling cold, check.  A twitching of check muscles when tapped, um, check.  I continue to read and find that these are symptoms of low calcium.  Great! 

I finish taking my pills and pull out my cell phone to call my doctor.  This should be fun, since I’m able to get out about 3 words before my voice cracks and goes to a whisper.  Luckily the nurse seems to understand I can’t talk very loud and is very patient with me on the phone.  I answer all of her questions, relay my medicine schedule to her, and even perform a few test things on myself that she walks me through.  Yep, the nurse is all but a little panicked and instructs me to leave for the hospital immediately for blood work.  I explain that I’ll have to find a ride, so it could be a bit.  The nurse tells me that I need to come in ASAP and not wait.  She follows this with the threat of calling the EMS on my behalf if needed.  Yeah, I’ll pass on that.  I tell her that I’ll find a way into the hospital, but it may take a few minutes.

Who the hell is available on a Tuesday morning at 10 AM.  No one, that’s who.  Everyone I know is at work and no one really has the freedom to just leave for the day.  Frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover it.  I’ve sent a few texts off to a few friends that I think might be able to swing a ride at least to the hospital if they take an early lunch, but they’ve all replied that they can’t get out of work today.  I can’t fault them, but it sours my already vulnerable mood.  I keep hearing the words, “If you need anything, let me know” and the words sound just as hollow to me at this moment as they did when they were uttered.  I can feel the loneliness settling in around me and I don’t like how smothered I feel.  I lay my head down on my arms and just let the feeling wrap around me for a minute. 

I have known loneliness.  I have known despair.  I have known depression in my life.  But this was a different feeling.  This was like a pure blackness of hate, guilt, lonely mass that circled around me.  It had started yesterday and just keeps coming around.  I want to cry, I want to scream, and I just want to surround myself with lots of people.  I don’t want to feel like this.  I know many people go through depression after surgery, but this wasn’t any type of depression I had ever encountered.  This couldn’t be fought by a good cry, a substance to numb your mind, or even a sharp blade drawn over my skin.  I didn’t know what could battle this, but I had to figure it out.  Fuck this feeling!  Fuck cancer!  Fuck depression!  Fuck this feeling vulnerable shit!  How could I forget rule number one in life?  No one is going to take care of you, so take care of yourself.  I had to get myself ready, call a cab, and get to the hospital. 

 

* * *

 

 

Now I find myself in a cab on the way to the hospital.  I know I should reach out to Val, but I also know that she’d immediately tell her high profile clients that she had more important things to take care of, and then leave.  So, instead, I left her a note taped to the TV screen so she couldn’t miss it when she got to the house.  This way she won’t panic when I don’t answer her sing-song greetings upon her entering the house and I don’t have to disturb her at work.  I threw a pair of sleep clothes into a back pack, along with the remaining pills for today, and my kindle.  I hope that they don’t want to keep me.

I pull at the neck of my t-shirt and I wish that I had my sleep shirt on.  The one that has a new V cut in the neck.  Everything feels so swollen in my neck area, but the mirror and my hands confirm that my neck is a normal size.  My incision is about three inches long across my neck, but it feels like I’m split open from ear to ear.  Every shirt I own makes me feel like I’m choking.  I got so frustrated after coming home that I had scissors out doing my own alteration jobs on the necklines of a couple of my sleep shirts.  Val physically removed the scissors from me and told me that the least I could do was cut a straight line to make the shirt’s lines look better.  We had a small argument about how I didn’t really give two shits about how my shirt looked as long as I could breath, but my voice left me half-way through the argument and whispering your side of an argument just doesn’t have the same affect. 

I don’t know how many times I wished Val and I had taken the American Sign Language courses we talked about doing years ago.  Those skills would have come in handy in the past few days.  Instead, Val and I worked out our own sign language.  It usually involved a lot of pointing and movements that some might consider interpretive dance.  Regardless, we were making due and neither of us had kicked the other to the curb yet.  It was also nice because Val had pressed a few times for me to talk about the surgery or asked questions about Astrid, but I often whispered that it hurt to talk at that point.  This gave me a little longer for me to actually form thoughts about either topic.  I keep thinking that my recoup time will begin and my mind will slow enough for me to think about everything, but it hasn’t happened. 

When I enter the lab at the hospital, the tech immediately guides me to the collection room and seems very anxious that I am just now arriving.  I’m guessing that Dr. Causte’s office called down here to leave explicit instructions on how to handle me when I arrived.  Knowing how the nurse sounded when I spoke with her last and the way the tech’s hands were fumbling with the packages, I was on the verge of wanting to panic.  I could feel it rising within me, but I immediately put a cap on the flood of feelings.  I kept telling myself that there wasn’t a reason to panic.  If they thought my situation was life threatening, I wouldn’t be going to the lab for blood work, but instructed to go to ER to be monitored while they tested my blood.  I took a deep breath and found my center and reached out to ground myself.  Thanking the gods and goddesses that it happened quickly and the peace of a good grounding washed through my body.  When I looked back to the tech she was still fumbling with the tubes, labels, and what kit to use.  I began a conversation that produced the laughter that I was hoping for and the tech seemed to physically relax.  We continued the easy conversation through the remainder of the blood draw.  Once the tech finished, she stressed that I was not to leave the hospital as I needed to wait for the office to call me with the results and further instructions.

I found the main waiting room at the entrance of the hospital and found a seat.  I took a moment to reflect on the morning and what was happening.  I don’t mind blood draws.  Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like I’m volunteering for them, but there are much worse things in the world than having someone take a few vials of blood.  But, I didn’t like that I was back at the hospital.  I could feel tiredness washing over my body and it bothered me.  I was used to going strong until I decided that I was tired, but my body was constantly tired since my surgery.  Just taking a shower seemed like work.  I leaned forward in my seat, placing my elbows on my knees, and letting my face fall into my hands.  I closed my eyes and welcomed the darkness that seemed to shut off my brain for a minute.  I tried to block the sounds of other people around me and the fact I was sitting in a hospital waiting room. 

Wait!  I’m at the hospital!  Astrid is at the hospital!  WHY did I not realize this?  I sprang up from my seated position and had to pause as my equilibrium fought to catch up with my body.  I grabbed my bag, slung it upon my back, winced in pain as the action pulled at my neck, and headed off toward The Coffee Shop.  Maybe I’d get the chance to have a small conversation with Astrid.  We had texted back and forth since she came to visit me in the hospital.  She offered to come see me every day since then, but I just needed time to myself.  Val seemed to sense that I’ve needed some time to myself.  She’s tried to not pry and she’s tried to give me room to work through my feelings.  Prior to my surgery, I could pretend that all of this was happening to someone else.  That I couldn’t have POSSIBLY heard the doctor right.  I don’t know if it was denial or just a haze that I walked around in, but I can’t remember much between my diagnosis and the surgery.  I remember feeling disbelief and pain.  I remember feeling like a sudden burden on everyone I love.  Monica reminded me of that.  She had the courage to voice what others refused to acknowledge.  Knowing my diagnosis was a sentence for a friend, or family member, just as much as it was to me.  Since Monica’s outburst, I was more careful about how much I opened up to anyone, even Val.  Monica never apologized and I hadn’t reached out to her or Kam.  I just couldn’t.  I knew where they stood, and I wanted to apologize, but I really didn’t feel like I could.  Okay, part of me wanted to apologize for unknowingly bringing them into my issues, but the other part of me refused to apologize for having cancer.  I hadn’t asked for it and I sure as hell didn’t sign up for this shit.  But it was my shit.

My strides slowed as ran back over this.  Why was I bringing Astrid into this?  Was me showing up at her shop unwillingly dragging her into my hell?  She specifically came to my hospital room to tell me that she wanted to be here for me.  Was that her knowingly putting herself into my life, regardless of what was there?  She knew about the cancer before she came to my room, thanks to Val.  There were moments prior to my surgery that I thought I should tell her, that I wanted to tell her.  But of all the people I had in my life, I didn’t want to see the same look in her eyes that I saw in other people’s eyes when they found out.  I don’t think I could deal with seeing the sympathy there.  But, that wasn’t any of the emotions I saw in her eyes when she visited me in the hospital and none of her texts had taken that tone since my surgery.  These thoughts plagued me each night.  The more I enjoyed the texts sent to me from Astrid, the more I looked forward to hearing from her, the guiltier I felt.  The more confused I get.  The more my brain and heart war with each other.  Val stays quiet about this as well.

I paused when I reached the intersection that opened into the seating area at The Coffee Shop.  I first scanned the counter area and found a smile spreading across my face as my eyes immediately landed on Astrid.  She was talking and laughing with some customers at the counter as she helped complete orders.  As usual there were a few people in line and the majority of the seating area was full.  I wanted to immediately go to the counter and speak to Astrid, but something held me back.  I quickly walked into the seating area and found an empty table near the back.  This way, I wouldn’t be as noticeable and it would allow me to wait until the small rush passed.  I settled into my seat, sitting my bag in a spare chair. My eyes immediately settled back on Astrid.  Even before I met the woman, she captivated my attention.  I love to people watch.  I know that sounds like I’m a creeper, but the action of people watching put me at ease and made me more comfortable. 

Have you ever stopped and just watched those around you.  Most people never pay attention to those around, which I feel is a horrible side-effect of the technical world.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my gadgets, but I also believe that we must connect human to human.  Do you know how many people never make eye contact?  How many people never really see another person even though they glance at each other in passing?  But, when I stop to people watch, I get to see that there is still people interaction in the world and humanity still lives.  No, it isn’t as out and open anymore, but it lives in almost every unobserved action that I have the blessing to witness when I pause to just watch.  It shows in the business man leaving the hospital, but stops to help a woman struggling to get a stroller over the curb to the sidewalk.  Or the thank you mumbled when someone blesses another for sneezing.  Or the shock when another person says hello and smiles at another in passing, but it sparks the surprised recipient to turn around and return the action to another unsuspecting ‘victim’.  Or when I am in a park and witness men, and sometimes women, step off of the sidewalk, remove their shoes and socks, and sink their toes into the plush grass.  It isn’t merely that moment that their toes hit the grass, but when the person’s shoulders become more relaxed, the deep breath that follows, and when they angle their head toward the sun with their eyes closed.  It is THAT moment that you see the person that lies beneath the business persona.  It is in that moment that you can glimpse all of the emotions, the calm that suddenly appears to chase away the chaos, and the pure joy of living in that moment.  THAT moment is what fuels my love of the human race and reiterates that we aren’t as lost as everyone thinks. 

When I first started stopping in this seating area, Astrid caught my attention almost immediately.  I could tell instantly that she guarded herself completely.  I could see it in how she interacted with her staff, but also with her customers.  But the true her shined through the cracks in the walls she built against the world.  I could see it in every customer that she helped to a seat, every time she smiled and laughed at someone’s jokes, every time she thought no one was looking and would rest against the back counter and stare off into space.  After our first interaction, it seemed like more of her began to come out from around the constructed walls and she just became more and more beautiful. 

Now when I look at her, I have to take a moment to recollect my brain as everything just pauses in awe of her.  Today, she looks more relaxed than normal.  She seems more open to those around her and her smile isn’t leaving her face.  I want to be the reason she’s smiling.  I want to be the one that makes her look this happy and seem this relaxed.  Wait….what am I saying.  No, I can’t think like this.  But I want to think this.  Before I can talk myself out of it, I have my cell phone out and sending her a text.

Rhi: _Morning.  I hope your day is going well._

I watched, waiting to see if she’d answer.  I often wondered if she was out at the counter, or back in her office when she texted me during the day.  With as flirty as some of her texts had been, I couldn’t imagine her standing out here in front of everyone typing such things to me.  Astrid reached to the back pocket of her faded jeans and pulled out her cell phone.  Her smile got wider and something in me enjoyed that small reaction.  She quickly said something to the other people at the counter and walked back toward her office.  So, she goes to her office to text with me?

Astrid: _Morning, Rhiannon!  What kind of trouble are you up to?  Keeping Val inline?_

I chuckled at the thought of anyone keeping Val inline. 

Rhi:  _No one can keep Val inline!  Haven’t you met her?  But she ditched me today.  She’s such a bad friend! *angry face* *winking smiley*_

Astrid:  _She finally got sick of your crap, huh?_

Rhi:  _Ouch!_

I love that Astrid could match my humor and knew when I was joking around.

Astrid:  _Poor baby! *bandaid pic* Need me to kiss your ego and make it feel better?_

She had only gotten this blatant a few times in the past few days and this is when I became more conflicted.  Everything in me wanted to flirt and egg her on, but the other part of me wanted to get us back on track.

Rhi:  _My ego is fine, but there are a few other things you could kiss. *winking smiley*_

I drew in a breath and held it while I pressed send.  I guess my flirty side won today.

Astrid:  _Oh really?_

I exhaled as my smile got bigger. For a year I’ve wondered what it would be like to feel and taste Astrid’s lips.  They always look so soft and just enough thickness that would allow the kiss to deepen, but not progress to open mouth.  In my mind, her lips are perfect.  My thoughts are drawn back to my phone as it buzzes again.

Astrid:  _Cat got your tongue?  So…how are you feeling today?  And do NOT say fine!  I want the truth._

Her words hit me like a slap to the face.  Buck up, Rhiannon.  You don’t have any business thinking about kissing Astrid right now.  She deserves more than a sick person trying to start a relationship.

Rhi:  _Honestly, I’ve had better days.  I really wish that Val wasn’t busy today._

Astrid:  _Sounds like you could use a friend?_

Rhi:  _Maybe.  Still want to kiss my booboo?  You might make it feel better.  *winking smiley*_

Astrid:  _Maybe.  Is there anything I can do to help brighten your day?_

Rhi:  _You could smile again for me._

Suddenly, I just need to see her again.  I want to be sitting across from her and talk to her.  I miss our conversations that we normally have and I haven’t gotten to do that for about two months now.  Well, except for our talk in my hospital room, but that doesn’t count.  Knowing that she’s only about fifty yards from me and I can’t see her bothers me and makes all the walls between us seem more intrusive than they should feel. 

Astrid:  _Again?_

Rhi:  _Yeah, again.  You could smile like you did when I sent the first text._

I waited, hoping she’d put it all together.  I kept staring at my phone, but kept glancing back up to where she’d return from her office.  I couldn’t contain my smile as I saw her head poke around the corner of the door.  Soon, the rest of her followed her head, but she stood half in the door and half out.  Her eyes were darting around the room looking for me.  I stood, which caught her attention.  The brows that were gathered in confusion previously eased as her lips lifted in a smile.  She began moving toward me, weaving through the tables.  Her beauty stuns me.  Don’t get me wrong, she looked good earlier behind the counter in her faded blue jeans and darker blue polo, but when Astrid’s eyes locked on mine and she smiles like THAT, it stuns me every time.  It’s like everything that she is comes through in that one look.

“Is this the smile you wanted?”  She asked when she was almost to me and I knew I was blushing.

“Yes.”  My words are barely audible to me, so I hope she hears it.  Before I can think any further I say, “It’s a beautiful smile.” 

She’s suddenly directly in front of me and I am uncomfortable.  This is the first time we’ve seen each other since she visited me in the hospital.  Do we hug? Do we just sit down? Do we just stand here and stare at each other?  She steps closer to me and opens her arms.  Her eyes scan mine as if she’s looking for hesitation or maybe something else.  I smile even bigger and step into her arms.  She wraps her arms around my waist, while I envelope her shoulders.  I can feel her cheek graze my ear and I tense slightly, but she squeezes me a little tighter and leans her head closer to me.  I relax into the hug.  I start to let loose after the respectable few seconds, but she pulls me back in for a few minutes longer.  When she does let go of my waist, she doesn’t step back or move away from me, so we stand almost toe to toe by the table. 

She launches into motion by grabbing my bag from the chair where it rests.  I want to protest, but the look in her eyes stops me.  She then reaches out and grabs my hand.  I want to question her, but she’s searching my face again for a reaction, so I just give her a small smile.  She tugs on my hand and begins leading me back through the occupied tables and through the door that will lead us to her office.  Occasionally, she glances back at me with a small smile on her lips, but always turns away with a small blush on her cheeks.  My heart is soaring and I can’t help the smile that pierces across my face with a fierceness of my happiness erupting from within my deepest self.  I have to remind myself to breathe and keep checking my feet because I don’t want to trip.  As soon as we enter the door, she releases my hand and I’m shocked by the sudden coldness that spreads across my skin.  She motions me to a small couch against a wall in her office, while she turns and gently closes the office door.

“So, what’s going on?”  She joined me on the couch and I just look at her.  “Why are you here without Val?”

“Well, Val is….”

“No.”  She interrupts me.  “I know what Val is doing.  What is going on, Rhiannon?  Why are you at the hospital?”  She takes a breath and she suddenly had a panicked look on her face.  “Did you drive?”

“No.  I didn’t drive.”  I can’t help but smile.  She’s concerned.  “I had to come in for some blood tests.”

“I’m guessing these weren’t scheduled tests or Val would have recruited someone to be here with you or told her VIPs to kiss her ass.”  I nod and look away from her serious expression as the weight of everything of the day washes back over me. 

Just when I think I can forget for one moment what I’m going through or fighting, it raises its ugly head and draws me right back into the reality of my situation.  Suddenly, I don’t want to be on this couch.  I don’t want to be sitting less than a foot from Astrid.  Suddenly, I’d rather be at home, in my room, by myself.  It’s the only place that I can escape this reality for a few minutes.  When I can stand, sit, or lie down with absolute stillness.  In those moments, I’m just Rhiannon.  In those moments, I don’t have cancer.  I didn’t just go through major surgery.  I don’t have to think of myself as sick or fragile.  In those moments I can just exist and allow my hopes and dreams to skirt on the edges of my consciousness.  In those moments, I know I have a future. 

The feel of Astrid’s hand on my shoulder forces me to break from my own thoughts.  “Rhiannon, please tell me what’s going on.  I want to know and to help if I can.” 

I paused for only a minute while my heart and head warred with each other.  My head won and I began to explain everything going on.  I told her about my symptoms, the phone calls, the instructions.  I explained everything slowly and kept watching her reactions to know if I needed to stop or end my discussion.  Not everyone did well with detailed medical stuff.  She didn’t hang on my every word, but she was absorbing the information.  Before she could respond to anything I said, my phone began to ring.  The caller ID was for Dr. Causte’s office.  I showed her the ID and then I took the call.  I listened intently to the nurse, only mildly panicking due to the nurses slightly frantic voice telling me that I needed to come up to their office immediately because my calcium levels are dangerously low.  They also requested that I call someone to come be with me as they did not feel it was safe for me to remain by myself until my levels came up.  I thanked the nurse and told her I’d be up in a few moments.  As I ended the call, I looked up to find Astrid watching my every move.  I relayed the call to her.

“I need to call Val, and then I’ll have to leave for their office.”  I dreaded this call.  Val was going to rush to my side, make sure I was okay, and then she would murder me for not calling her sooner.  I know her and this isn’t going to go well.  Plus, having to call someone to “sit” with me makes me feel even weaker.  I mentally cram those feelings aside, or maybe shove them back where they came from.  I need to focus on the task at hand.  I can feel later.  This damn surgery seems to make those feelings keep coming out of left field and they are harder to shove back down when needed.  My emotions over the past week are all over the place.

“You don’t need to call, Val.”  Astrid put her hand over my phone and gently took it from my hand.  “Give me a moment.  I’ll be right back.” 

She left the office with my phone in her hand and I just watched her walk away.  I never let my phone out of my sight.  The thing seemed to be glued to me or at least in the same room as me.  I’ve actually chased Val before to get my phone back when she’s taken it from me.  Maybe I didn’t protest because her actions shocked me?  Regardless, I need to head to the doctor’s office so I can find out what we need to do in order to magically raise my calcium levels.  I’ve almost gathered all my things by the time that Astrid came back into the room.

“Okay.”  She quickly crosses to her desk and talks while she is opening and closing drawers in her desk.  “I have the shop covered for this evening.  I really do need to give Brigit a raise soon.  She could run this place without me.”  She crosses back to me as she clips her sunglasses to her shirt, her keys to a belt loop, and what I assume is a wallet into her pocket.  She grabs my bag strap from my shoulder, removing it from my grasp.  “Val doesn’t have to know anything until she gets home tonight.”

“Wait, wha…” I’m trying to understand what she means.

“Rhiannon,” she interrupts me.  “You need someone with you.  Doctor’s orders.  I’m available.  I want to help you with this, so please let me.” 

She doesn’t wait for an answer.  Instead, she grabs my hand again and is tugging me forward toward the office door.  We walk out past the counter.  Astrid said something to Brigit.  Brigit looked from me to Astrid, and then to our joined hands.  Brigit threw a smile to Astrid and then myself as we began our way through the hospital.  I let Astrid lead me through the hospital as I tried to catch up with what was happening.  Astrid just walked away from her business to help me?  How is she able to do this?  Won’t that hurt her business?  Why would she want to take me to this appointment instead of letting me call Val?  But part of me kept screaming to just roll with it and not question anything.  I decided that I’d listen to that voice today.

Astrid held onto my hand through the entire hallway to the elevator.  She let me set the pace for our stroll and I was grateful that I wasn’t having to rush to keep up with her.  It felt nice to just click with someone other than Val.  We patiently waited for the elevator without saying a word.  However, while we stood there in silence, I glanced over at her and flashed a smile.  She quickly returned it and I swear a slight blush graced her neck.

“Rhiannon?”  Astrid quietly broke the silence once we were in the elevator.

“Yeah?” I whispered back

“Is this,” she tightened her hold on my hand for emphasis, “okay?”  I looked up into her eyes in that moment and could see hesitation and almost fear flashing back at me.

“Yeah, this is okay.”  I could see her visually relax and it felt good to know that I wasn’t the only one second guessing my every move.  “Are you sure about coming with me today?”

“I volunteered.”

“I know, but,” I dropped off my question and looked away from her.  How do you ask someone if they are okay with a doctor’s appointment?  Some people fainted at the mention of blood.  While others never had an issue.  Although, she didn’t shy away from the previous explanation. 

“Hey,” she started to say something, but the elevator announced its arrival to the floor we needed.  She led me off the elevator and into the hall outside the doctor’s office and over to one side away from anyone else in the area.  “Rhiannon, I volunteered to help.  Do you remember me visiting you in the hospital after your surgery?”  I nodded.  “I believe I told you then that I was available if you needed anyone to do anything.  Do you remember the numerous text messages we’ve shared in the past few days?”  I nodded again. “Then you should know I’m okay with this.  I’m okay with helping you.  Okay with a doctor’s office.  Rhiannon, I work in a hospital, so I’m not squeamish with all of this stuff.”  I glanced up to her eyes, expecting to see some degree of lying, but instead found sincerity.  

“Thank you.”  I whispered and immediately looked down.  I could feel the tears starting and I didn’t want her to see. 

Astrid grasped my hand again and lead me into the office.  We arrived at the front desk and Astrid took over talking for me.  She glanced at me and I gave her a small smile, hoping she’d understand that I appreciated her talking for me.  Once Astrid gave my name, you could see recognition of the name upon the front desk associate’s face and I again wondered how low my calcium levels were.  It seemed like everyone knew I was coming in.  We were told to go wait by another door and a nurse would be out soon.  We didn’t even make it to the door before a nurse opened it and asked us to follow her.  Part of me wanted to have Astrid wait in the waiting room, but her grip on my hand told me that she would argue if I asked.  We were soon shown into a room and the nurse started talking rapidly as she gathered supplies.

“Rhiannon, I’m glad you acted so quickly today when you began to have symptoms.”  She smiled at me, glanced toward Astrid, and then seemed surprised to see the Coffee shop owner with me.  “Astrid.”  It was just the one word but it sounded and felt like more.

“Morning, Joan.  How are you doing?”  Astrid smiled at the nurse, but remained close to me.

“I’m well.  I hope you are.” Joan answered as she moved closer to me.  “I didn’t realize that you knew Rhiannon. For patient confidentiality reasons, I have to ask, Rhiannon are you okay with Astrid being in the room with you?”  I looked from Joan to Astrid trying to figure out what I was missing. 

“Yes.”  I answered in a barely there whisper and Joan’s lips settled into a thin line and Astrid looked down and away for a moment.  It finally hit me like a Mack truck.  There is a story here and I’ll have to ask Astrid about it later.

“Rhiannon, I need to place this blood pressure cuff on your arm and pump up the pressure.  This may hurt a little bit, but it is needed to see how your hand reacts with the pressure.  In patients with severe calcium deficiency, the hands react.  Just bear with me as I know it isn’t the most comfortable feeling.”  I gave her the thumbs up sign.  She began attaching the blood pressure cuff to my bicep of my left arm and I felt Astrid take my right hand back into hers.  I gave Astrid a small smile and then turned my attention back to Joan.

Joan kept pumping on the blood pressure cuff inflator and I thought my arm was going to explode.  My left hand turned in on itself and then retracted toward my bicep.  Joan didn’t lie, this was not pleasant at all.  With my grimace, I felt Astrid move her other hand to my forearm.  Soon the cuff made a loud pop sound and I could start to feel my muscles begin to relax in my hand and forearm of my left arm.  I almost sighed in relief.

“Just as we thought.  You have a severe calcium deficit.  Dr. Causte will be in shortly to discuss your blood work and the next steps.”  With that Joan left the room.  Oh, there is definitely a story here.  I smiled knowing that I would put Astrid on the spot later.

“You okay?”  Astrid asked quietly.  She released my hand and arm, so I used my right hand to rub on the left hand and arm trying to hurry the feeling back into the areas. 

I gave Astrid a thumbs up and both of us looked toward the door as a solid knock sounded.

“Rhiannon.”  Dr. Causte came in holding out his hand to me.  He then smiled toward Astrid.  “Astrid, it is good to see you again.”

“You as well, Dr. Causte.” I looked over at Astrid and wondered how many people she knew that worked at the hospital.

“Well, Astrid, we have to keep this young lady out of the hospital.”  He chuckled as he turned his attention back to me.  “Rhiannon, sounds like you gave the staff a little bit of a scare today.” 

“Sorry.”  I whispered and wished my voice wasn’t so weak now.

“I’m going to guess that you were a little concerned yourself or you wouldn’t have called.”  He rolled over right in front of me.  “Okay, let’s check your muscle spasms.”  He then began to tap on different parts of my cheek. I could instantly feel the ripples take over. “You see how her muscles spasms when I tapped her cheeks, Astrid?”

“Yes.”  Astrid answered leaning closer and I was surprised that he included her in the visit.

“You will want to check this on her occasionally.  Sometimes her hands, face, and chest will tingle, but this ripples or spasms occur, you know her calcium is low and she needs to take another round of her calcium pills regardless if she just took them.  Understand?”

“Yes, sir.  I will also tell Val about it.”

“Good.”  He turned his attention back to me.  “Okay, so your blood work wasn’t good, but I doubt that is news to you.  So, how are we going to boost your calcium levels?  You get to swallow more pills.”  He spent a few more minutes explaining my new medicine requirements regarding calcium pills.  Then he wrote it out and handed the paper to Astrid.  “I’ll need you to come in for weekly calcium draws until I tell you that you can stop. Any questions?”  I shook my head slightly to indicate no.

“Um,” Astrid spoke up, but then stopped.  “I’m sorry if I am overstepping, but I know Val will want confirmation that this is due to the parathyroid issue you spoke about after surgery.”

“Yes.  Since Rhiannon doesn’t have a functioning parathyroid at this moment, her body cannot regulate calcium or produce it.  I hope that her need for calcium will decrease once the parathyroid regenerates.  However, that could be a few months.”  Astrid nodded and I was shocked that she knew about the parathyroid issue.  I guess her and Val were talking more than I realized. “Okay, kiddo.  Hang out here and Joan will be back with some more pills for you to take.  If you have any other issues, please let us know.”   I gave him a thumbs up and he left the room after gently, but firmly clasping my shoulder.

Soon Joan came back into the room with a foil packet of pills and a bottle of water.  Maybe I imagined it, but I thought I saw a look of satisfaction on her face that I’d be in some pain while taking the pills she laid out. Yep, I’m definitely going to have ask Astrid about Joan. 


	9. Alone

**Chapter 9 – Alone**

 

 

**Astrid**

               

The trip back to Rhiannon’s was quiet because she needed to rest her voice and I needed to calm myself so I could drive.  The events of the past few days started to seep in and my mind was going in so many different directions.  I think the thing that is shocking me the most is how much I’ve just dropped everything to be there for this woman.  Don’t get me wrong, that is what a good friend does, but I’ve never quite been this carefree about leaving my business without a second thought.  The Coffee Shop was my pride and joy.  Brigit, my first and longest employee, constantly bugs me to take time off or to step away, but I just can’t seem to take more than a day here and there.  But in the past week, I’ve just dropped everything more than once.  First, was to take coffee to Val and keep her company while waiting for Rhiannon’s surgery to be over, then to take breakfast to them the next morning, and now today.  Granted, at least I was still in the hospital with the other two instances, but today, I just dropped it in Brigit’s hands and walked away.                

But that’s the thing, I’d do it again and I can’t pretend that isn’t the case.  It is amazing what your mind can hide from you when you allow it.  For the past year, I’ve allowed myself to put Rhiannon into the friend category because I was afraid to make a move.  Afraid to put myself out there.  Granted, I have my reasons for being cautious with approaching women or pursuing them.  And to be honest, none of the women I’ve dated in the past three to four years have made it past a month or two with me because I refuse to let myself be that vulnerable.  But yet, here is this one woman who I’m not in a relationship with, but I’m making her a priority.   I’m not sure how I feel about this.  I can’t change it today, but I think it is something I need to think more on.               

We make it Rhiannon’s and I help her into the house.  We go very slowly and I can tell she’s in a lot of pain because she didn’t even protest when I grabbed her bag and took her arm to help steady her.  I didn’t say anything because I know if it was me, I’d feel horrible for needing the help.  We make it into the kitchen and Rhiannon sits on a kitchen chair.  I want to take my time and look around, but I don’t want to make her uncomfortable by having me in her personal space.  She looks like she’s about to fall over and my heart goes out to how rough her day has been.               

“When’s the last time you took some pain meds or had any food?”  I ask while casually leaning against the chair back to her left.               

“Before.”  She whispers and looks like she’s trying to work up the energy to say more.               

“Before leaving for the hospital today?”  I ask, wanting to confirm what I think she’s trying to say.  She gives me a thumbs up.  “Did Val get you some easy snack food for when she’d be away?”               

“You don’t have to babysit me.”  Rhiannon is whispering and her voice is broken even while doing that, but I can hear her in the quietness of the room.               

“Rhiannon,” I walk over near her and put a hand on her shoulder.  My action surprises me, but I don’t want to remove my hand and make the moment awkward.  “I’m not babysitting you.  I’m helping you out and you can’t argue with me.  Let me do this.”  I removed my hand and moved back toward the refrigerator.  “Besides, you are actually helping Brigit out since I’m out of her hair this afternoon.”  I looked back over my shoulder to see that Rhiannon was grinning really big, but it soon turned into a grimace.               

“Ow.”  Rhiannon grasped at her throat and her face showed pain.               

“Laughing hurts?”  She gave me a thumbs up signal while trying to neutralize her expression.  “Ice Cream?”  

I hoped Val had the cold treat readably available.  She gave me another thumbs up and then pointed to the standup freezer next to the refrigerator.  I pulled it open and found chocolate, vanilla, and butter pecan available.  I picked up all three and turned back around to see which she wanted.  She chose Butter Pecan and I got her enough in a bowl that would let her take her pain meds without hurting her stomach.  I took the bowl, a large glass of ice water, and went back over to her.  She gladly starting eating on the ice cream and chasing it down with some of the water.  I was hoping that the coldness would help soothe her overworked vocal cords.  I didn’t want to make Rhiannon uncomfortable, so I took out my phone to check if I had any messages.  

Brigit:  _Boss, I know you are going to check in, so here is your afternoon update.  The shop is fine.  Honestly, it is fine.  Here are some pictures so you can believe me._  

I had two pictures that followed the text.  One was a selfie of Brigit drinking a frap while leaning against the back counter while giving me a wink.  The next picture was of my other afternoon/evening employee waving hi at the camera with a large smile on her face.  I chuckled some and Rhiannon gave me a questioning look.               

“Brigit texted me about the shop.  And then she sent me some pics.  Here.”  I handed her my phone to let her see the text and pictures herself.  She grinned really big and I was starting to interpret that as her laugh when she couldn’t laugh.   She then made a gesture to my phone indicating she wanted to reply.  I nodded to allow it. 

Rhiannon as Astrid: _B, this is Rhi.  Man do you ever know Astrid! LOL  I think your next pic should be of you holding the fire extinguisher at something or someone!  *winking smiley*_  

Brigit: _Rhi?  Did you steal the phone?  Please tell me you fought her for it or something…_  

Rhiannon as Astrid:  _Nope.  Full permission! LOL_  

Brigit: _Dang!  Thanks for the idea!  Take care of yourself, R!  Oh, and tell/show the boss: Have a good night._  

Rhiannon handed me the phone back and motioned for me to read what she said.  I glanced through the history and chuckled.               

“Remind me to never leave you and Brigit alone with my shop.  It will never be the same!”  She grinned really big again while finishing the last of her ice cream.  I stood and took the bowl from her before she could start to get up.  “Please take the pills you need.  I know you have a schedule and I don’t really know where you are on it.”  I then refilled her water glass with lots of ice and then motioned for her to stand up with me.  “Do you want the couch or do you want your bed?” 

“Couch.”  She half whispered, half spoke. 

I took our waters and headed to the livingroom that I hoped was through the only other door off the kitchen.  Thankfully, it was the livingroom.  I did pause a moment to take in the room.  You could tell that Rhiannon enjoyed being comfortable.  She had a few chairs, but the oversized couch looked so inviting.  My goal was to get Rhiannon to lay down and rest.  She needed rest and sleep after her crazy day.  I could tell that she was growing paler as the afternoon continued.  I knew if I could get her to lay down, then the pain meds would help her fall asleep soon.  I sat down our drinks on the end table near one end of the couch and promptly slipped off my shoes, and sat into the corner of the couch. I was hoping that Rhiannon would choose the couch too, but if she didn’t, then I’d move and insist she take it for comfort.  Luckily, she sat down in the middle of the couch, picking up the remotes as she went.               

“Watch?”  She asked as she sat back against the couch.               

“Sure.”  She clicked the remote at the TV and I picked up one of the larger throw pillows and propped it against my leg and the couch.  “Rhiannon?”  She looked over at me with a questioning look.  “Will you please lay down?”  I patted at the pillow hoping she’d take the hint without me having to be more forward.  I knew that she could very well lay down with her head at the other end and I would gladly cradle her feet, but a larger part of me wanted her closer.  I wanted her to lay down and be peaceful while I watched over her.  

“I’m ok.” She whispered.  Of course she was going to be stubborn.               

“You aren’t okay, Rhiannon.”  She scrunched her eyebrows at that statement.  “You’ve had a really big day, please just lay here and rest.  For me?”  You could tell she was thinking about it, so I just remained silent.               

“One Condition.”               

“What?”               

“Tell me about Joan.”  She smirked as I knew my face showed the shock I felt, which was quickly followed by a blush.  I could feel it working into my cheeks.                

“Fine.”  I said and patted the pillow again. 

 She toed off her shoes, repositioned the pillow slightly, and then gently lowered herself onto the couch.  I could tell she hurt more than she was letting on and I just wanted to make the pain go away.  She wiggled a little to get more comfortable and moved her head around on the pillow, but then seemed to sink into comfort.  She remained silent for a moment and I couldn’t help but take a moment to just take her presence in for a moment.  I suddenly felt the same warmth surround me that was around me the morning after Rhiannon’s surgery.  I could feel myself relaxing a little even though my head kept wondering why I wasn’t panicking about being alone with Rhiannon in this setting.  

“Well?”  She quietly asked while looking back and up at me with a smile across her face.               

“You seem to think there is something to tell.”  I made the statement, hoping she would maybe believe it.               

“Oh, I don’t think, I _know_ there is a story there.  Spill, Pip!  You promised.”  I smiled at her and then tried to get the courage to start.  Rhiannon’s smile began to fade while I was trying to gather my courage.  “Astrid,” her voice was barely a whisper and my eyes snapped to hers. “If it is too painful, I’ll understand.  I don’t want to force you to tell me something you aren’t ready to share.”  Her sincerity struck me as pure beauty.  How many people would give a person this out?  Most people push you for the story regardless of your comfort level.  Just one more thing that makes the woman in front of me more amazing every day.               

“No, it isn’t really painful.  A promise is a promise.”  I grinned down at her and then looked out at the wall to settle myself to start the story.  “It is true that there isn’t much to tell about Joan.”  I chuckled a little.  “Joan and I met right when I was starting the shop.  She was part of a group of nurses that were some of my first customers, but we actually went out on a blind date.”  I looked back down and caught Rhiannon’s eyes and the slight amusement that shone through.  “Anyway, a mutual friend in the hospital set us up on a blind date a few weeks after I opened the shop.  When I got to the restaurant to meet, Joan showed up.  We chuckled at how funny it was that we see each other every day and yet had to be set up on a blind date.  The night went okay.”               

“Just okay?”  Rhiannon asked quietly.               

“I think Joan was trying to impress me because she was nervous.”               

“Isn’t that the point of a date?  Aren’t you supposed to put your best foot forward?”                

“Well, putting your best foot forward is a lot different than trying to make yourself into something you aren’t.”  I looked down to see if she understood and she gave me a thumbs up sign and then motioned for me to continue.  “Anyway, I felt like on the first date that our interests weren’t really similar and I knew our personalities weren’t compatible.  But, at the end of the night, she drug me toward her car to say goodnight and asked me on a second date. So, I agreed because everyone deserves a second chance.”               

“Drug you to her car?”  Rhiannon’s voice held humor and she was grinning like she was trying not to laugh.               

“Yeah.  I was just going to say goodbye in front of the restaurant, but apparently, she wanted me to walk her to her car.  Instead of asking me, or even escorting me to my car, she grabbed my arm and started leading me toward the parking lot.”               

“So, lackluster dinner, awkward goodnight, and you still said yes to the second date?”                

“Yeah.”  Her lips moved into a smirk and motioned for me to continue.  “So, long story short, we went on a total of three dates, and I had to break it to her that we needed to be friends.”               

“No.”  She whispered and I gave her a questioning look.  “You don’t get to skim over and I’m going to assume that Joan wasn’t happy to be friends.”               

“Well, there isn’t much to expand upon.  She asked me to decide somewhere to go on our second date when she met me in the parking lot of the hospital.  So, I drove us to a nearby restaurant for dinner again.  I spent half the night upset that she sprung the decision on me like she did and the other half of the night trying to keep my distance.”                

“Third?”  Rhiannon asked.               

“Oh, about two weeks later she cornered me at my car after I had closed the shop.  She’s lucky I didn’t have my mace out or she’s have gotten doused.” I heard a choked sound as I chuckled.               

“Ow!” Rhiannon’s hands instantly grasped at her neck and I could see tears in her eyes as she grimaced.  She sat up still holding her neck and I instantly helped her the last few inches.  She pointed to her water and I quickly handed it to her.  She slowly drank down the cold liquid.

“Is there something else we can do for the pain?”

“Ice,” she paused to take another drink.  “Pack.” 

I immediately left the livingroom to go back to the kitchen.  I opened the freezer and began to search for the ice pack.  I found a frozen pack and then turned to the kitchen drawers looking for a towel or something to wrap it in.  I returned to the livingroom with both items and sat back down by Rhiannon on the couch.  She immediately put the pack to her neck and I could visibly see her relax in relief from the cold.  She drank on the ice water some more.  She then set the glass down on the coffee table in front of the couch.  I took the coaster it was on earlier and moved it under the glass for her.  She gave me a smile and I returned it.  I leaned back on the couch again to get comfortable.  I grabbed the pillow and repositioned it.  I patted it gently to get Rhiannon’s attention.  She turned her shoulders to look in my direction and then glance down at the pillow.  She then looked back at me.  I could tell she was trying to be tough, so I patted the pillow again to stress that I wanted her to rest.  I could see her mind working overtime between whether to give in to laying back down and staying sitting up.  I knew if she stayed sitting up she wouldn’t rest like she needed to, so I reached up and gently tugged on the sleeve of her t-shirt.               

“Please?”  I asked gently.  “You need to rest Rhiannon.  If you won’t lay here, then let’s get you settled into your room so you can rest in bed.”                

With that she eased herself down on her side this time and positioned the pillow better for her neck.  She still held the ice pack to her throat.  I was slightly disappointed that she laid down on her side because now I couldn’t look down on her face like I could before.  But I was happy that she gave in and laid down at all.  I may not know Rhiannon like Val does, but I know her enough to know how stubborn she is and that she doesn’t like to admit when she’s in pain.  I can’t imagine this scenario would be any different, plus I’m not Val, so her walls will be up more.  I need her to rest and the only way she can do that is to sleep. Without thinking about it, I reached up and gently ran my fingers through her hair.  On the second pass, I immediately stopped as I realized that I was doing when her body tensed.               

“I’m sorry, Rhiannon.” I put my hand in my lap.               

“For?”  She whispered.               

“I, I didn’t mean to do that.”  If possible it seemed like she tensed even further and I realized how that might sound.  Like I didn’t want to touch her, which obviously was quite the opposite.  “I, uh, my grandmother used to either play in my hair or rub my head until I’d fall asleep when I was a child.  I was just thinking about how you need to rest to help your body heal and, “I paused while trying not to chuckle with nervous laughter. “Well, I think it was just a knee-jerk action.  I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”  Her body relaxed a little.               

“It’s okay.  You can.”  Even her whispers were getting almost inaudible.  I thought she was giving me permission to touch her again, but I didn’t want to move in case I misunderstood.  Rhiannon moved a little and I jumped a little as her hand grasped mine in my lap.  She gently moved my hand back to her head and then gave me a thumbs up sign.               

I guess there really isn’t any way to misinterpret those actions.  I gently ran my fingers through Rhiannon’s hair again, only this time consciously.  Her hair was soft, but felt a little thicker than other people’s hair I had felt.  I let my fingers move more along her scalp moving to mix a small scalp massage with my next pass.  We both remained completely quiet for the next few moments.  I continued my gently movements and I could see Rhiannon slowly relaxing more into the couch.  I could feel her weight against the pillow increasing.                

“Third date.”  Rhiannon whispered breaking the silence as she reached out for her water.  She moved up a little to take a drink and my hand fell to her shoulder.               

“How about a raincheck.  The third date is the best part of the whole story.  I don’t want to make you laugh.” She moved to look at me the best she could without moving her neck very far.  “I promise, Rhiannon.  Next time we hang out together, I’ll finish my story about Joan.  I owe it to you.”

She moved back down to lay on the pillow.  I ran my hand from her shoulder over to the back of her neck.  I almost gave it a small squeeze to ease her tension, but caught myself before doing it.  I didn’t want to put any added pressure on her neck as I didn’t know if it would aggravate where she had surgery.  So, I began at the base of her neck and worked my hands back up through her hair.  Only allowing myself to give small massage motions once I was far enough away from her neck.  I continued to do this until Rhiannon relaxed into the pillow further and her breathing started to even out.  I kept up my motions until I was sure she was asleep, and then I let my hand move back to my lap.               

I took a moment to just sit in silence, not letting my brain process anything.  All I wanted to concentrate on was how my fingers felt like they were missing something since I had removed them from running through Rhiannon’s hair.  I usually don’t welcome touch from others.  It isn’t that I don’t want to touch someone, it is more that I have never dated anyone, or been around anyone, that I wanted to touch.  That I wanted to feel the warmth of their palm against mine, the soft brush of cotton fabric beneath my fingertips as it is pulled taunt across a shoulder, or the soft texture of hair flooding through my fingers. I’ve never felt comfortable enough with anyone, but if I’m honest, Rhiannon put me at ease from the beginning.  I don’t know how many times we’ve met over the past year and I’ve longed to take her hand or give her a hug.  Sometimes I was brave enough to make the contact, but the small touches left me confused for days.  So, I tried to limit the contact.  Since Val asked me to make a choice of being all in for Rhiannon or walk away, it is like a switch has flipped in me.  That very next morning sitting with Rhiannon in the hospital and the gentle first real touches between us stole my breath.  I went home that night and found myself craving more.  And today, the liberties of taking Rhiannon’s hand, or hanging onto her arm.  She never pushed me away.  She didn’t tense all day until tonight on the couch.  She never shied away from the touch or tried to remove her hand from me either.  Does that mean that she feels something?  Does that mean that she wants the touch as much as I do?            

Before I can second guess myself I return my hand to Rhiannon’s head and gently run the tips of my fingers across her hair and then let my hand come to rest on her shoulder.  I can feel her relax into the touch as she sleeps and she seems to breathe even deeper.  I knew if I just sat there while she slept, that my mind would start to run in circles and panic would consume me.  So, I pulled out my cell phone to check my messages and emails.  I needed something to distract me.  I soon pulled up my Kindle app and began to read on the book I downloaded last night.  I tried to read and I tried to look at facebook, but nothing could capture my focus for more than a few seconds.  So, I leaned my head back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling.  The white ceiling blurred after a few minutes and I could feel my eyes feeling heavy.  

 

* * *

 

 The next thing I knew there was a weird vibration on the couch and against my hand.  I snapped alert and immediately looked down to Rhiannon, who was still asleep on the pillow, but was now shaking in her sleep.  At first I thought she was dreaming, but when I ran my hand through her hair to calm her it was damp.  I then placed my palm on her forehead and felt she was hot to touch.  That is when I could hear the small chattering of her teeth.  I glanced around the room and found a small table lamp that was on next to the couch that wasn’t on before, but was glad it was on as it allowed me to look at Rhiannon and I could tell she was a little paler than normal.               

I gently tried to slide out from beneath the pillow and rested the pillow flat against the couch.  I knew I needed to find Tylenol or something for her, but I wasn’t sure what other medications she was on and if she was allowed Tylenol.  I decided to go back to the kitchen where I knew Rhiannon had all of her meds that I saw earlier.  I rounded the corner of the doorway to the kitchen and came to a halt because Val was sitting at the table working on her laptop.  Her head jerked up at my arrival into the room and she immediately gave me a smirk, but then she dropped it from her face.               

“What’s wrong, Astrid?”                

“I think Rhiannon has a fever and I didn’t know what she was allowed to take.”                

“Fever?”  Val was instantly on her feet and heading toward me.  I backed up to allow her to move past me into the livingroom.                

“She’s been sweating, she’s a little warm, and is chattering her teeth with chills.  Is this normal for her post surgery?”                

Val leaned over Rhiannon, running the back of her hand over her forehead and touching her shoulder.  Rhiannon didn’t move or wake up any further than the shaking for her chills. We both stood there looking down on Rhiannon for a moment, like we both were trying to piece together our next actions.  Val then walked back over to me.               

“Can you wake her up and get her to move to her room?”  She spoke softly as if she didn’t want to disrupt Rhiannon from her sleep. I nodded to answer her question.  “Her room is the only one on the right side down the hall.  I’m going to go get my cell to call the after-hours number for Dr. Causte.”               

“Val,” I put my hand on her arm to stop her from moving past me.  “Did Rhiannon text you at all today?”  I hadn’t seen her text anything, but I didn’t want to assume anything.               

“Astrid, you can tell me about your impromptu visit after we figure out how to help Rhi.”  She tried to move past me again, but I held onto her arm.               

“Val, Rhiannon had some complications today that required her to go to the hospital.”  Val immediately turned back to me and looked at me in shock.  “She started to have some weird tingle things happening and numbness.  Dr. Causte told her to get to the hospital ASAP.  Luckily, she came by the shop after her blood draw because they told her not to leave the hospital.  So, I accompanied her to Dr. Causte’s office. She wanted to contact you, but I begged her not to because you had your VIPs.  Anyway, she’s dealing with dangerously low calcium levels due to them taking all of her parathyroids, except for the one they tried implanting.  She has extra calcium pills to take. I mean more than she was taking previously.  We didn’t get home until after 2.  She last took pills right after we got home and then I got her to relax and go to sleep.  I didn’t want to leave her until you were back.”  She nodded and I could tell she was trying to take everything in.                

“When did she come seek you out?”  

“Between 10 and 11?” 

“How’d she get to the hospital?”  

“She called a taxi.  It was that or the doctor’s office was going to call EMS to pick her up.” 

“Okay.  Can you get her to her room and I’ll call Dr. Causte?”  This time I let her walk back to the kitchen as I figured she needed a moment.               

I walked back over to Rhiannon and leaned over her.  I placed my hand on her shoulder and gently shook her.  Her face scrunched into distaste, but she didn’t wake up.  I knew from the stories she’s told me that she is a really light sleeper, so it must be her pain meds or the fever.  

“Rhiannon.”  I gently spoke her name and shook her shoulder a little harder this time.  I was rewarded with her eyes blinking open a little.  “Rhiannon, I need you to wake up and sit up.” 

“Wha…” she started to say but immediately made a painful sound and grabbed at her throat.  She went to move and another painful noise escaped.  I offered my hand to her and helped her to a sitting position.  She winced again in pain and this time tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes.  I immediately handed her the now almost room temp water, but it would be better than nothing.  She began to shake harder and her teeth chattered louder.  She opened her eyes and looked at me.  “Cold,” she mumbled in a whisper.                

“Val and I think you have a fever.  She’s calling Dr. Causte, and I need to get you to bed and under your covers.”  She was still grasping at her throat.  I gently removed her hands and could tell her throat was swollen, but it didn’t look red near the incision. “Val?”  I said a little louder so she could hear me in the kitchen.  “Let Dr. Causte know her throat is a little swollen, but her incision is not red or angry looking.”               

“Oh, okay.  Thanks.”  Val answered back as heard her phone dialing.               

“Okay, Rhiannon.  You ready to make the walk to your room?”  She looked up at me with her eyes and I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her as I saw the tears and pain.  “Here, I’ll help you and then we can get you more comfortable.”               

I took her arm and tugged her gently to get her to move upward.  She reached out to use me as she tried to steady herself.  I put an arm around her waist, pulling her tightly against me with my right arms, while grasping her bicep with my left hand.  It wasn’t the easiest way to walk, but I could tell Rhiannon was weak, so I wasn’t going to loosen my grip on her.  We made the short walk to her room and I paused inside the door because it was dark.  Rhiannon kept going forward, so I followed, praying I wouldn’t trip on anything.  We stopped and she reached out to touch something and a lamp suddenly came on in the room. Before she could sit on the bed, I reached back and threw the covers back.  I then helped her lower herself to the bed and then onto the pillows.  I then helped draw the covers back over her and then perched on the very edge.               

“I know you aren’t okay, but do I need to get anything else for you?”  She snaked a hand out of the covers and gave me a thumbs down sign.  I reached back to the covers and motioned for her to put her arm back under.  “I know you are cold, but with all of you under the covers, you will get warm faster.”  She gave me a small smile and I returned it.  I leaned forward and brushed some damp hairs off of her forehead and then leaned back to where I was previously.  I didn’t know what else to do for her.               

Rhiannon was looking me in the eyes and then she mouthed the word ‘Sorry’. 

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”  I stated, looking directly back into her eyes hoping I could convey that I was telling the truth. 

‘Cold.’ She mouthed. 

“You’ll warm up soon, I promise.”  

“Okay.”  Val stated coming into the room.  “Dr. Causte thinks this is your body reacting to all your excitement today and not anything that requires the hospital.  So, I brought you some more ice water and more pain meds.  Dr. Causte says that the pain pills have enough acetaminophen in them, that they should break any fever you might have.  I also brought some ice cream.  You need something on your stomach for the pain meds and then we have calcium pills to get down as you are about an hour overdue.               

Rhiannon didn’t look thrilled, but she obeyed Val. 


	10. Return to Work

 

**Chapter 10 – Return to Work**

 

**Rhi**

The two weeks to recover from my surgery was filled with doctor appointments and blood tests. I don’t think there was a single day to just rest, but I guess that makes you keep going. In those two weeks I felt like I didn’t know myself and I felt different.  I usually knew my body, but so many different sensations and feelings were surfacing and I wasn’t sure about any of it. 

The fact that none of my friends were really asking me how I was doing wasn’t helping my foul mood.  Val and Astrid asked me multiple times a day how I was feeling and if I needed anything, but the rest of my friends, they would text, but it was to share stupid crap that didn’t really mean anything. When I’d share about what was going on with me, I was met with silence.  Frustration simmered just under the surface with me.  So, I became more withdrawn from my family.  

Today is my first day back to work.  I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m self-conscious about my scar.  My lack of comfortability steams from the fact that the surgeon had used a bright purple marker and then put a strip of glue over the area about an inch wide.  So, the marker color bled into the rest of the glue, so I had a purple stripe across my throat.  Val and Astrid had teased me that I could make up some big story to tell to people that would explain the mark if anyone asked.  I laughed and we threw around some farfetched tales and a few memes about pirate attacks.  After mentioning my “purple stripe” in my group chat text with friends, I was sent more memes on Pinterest and in the chat that told me that scars are reminders that what didn’t kill us makes us stronger.  I knew that it was all done in the most supportive intentions, but it didn’t do anything but solidify the fact that I had a reason to have a scar. 

This all brought back to my mind and the lingering exhaustion from waking with a panic attack earlier in the night.  Those were happening more frequently, but I tried to hide them so no one would know.  I’d wake up grasping at my neck, chest heaving, and this NEED to claw out this unseen thing attacking me.  Of course the minute my fingers touched the glue and pushed into the skin anywhere on my neck the instant pain would clear the cobwebs of blind panic and allow me to understand what was happening.  Sometimes, I would catch myself, randomly, during the day start to have the same feelings.  To know that this unseen invader was killing my body.  It made me feel the same way as when I thought about accidently swallowing a bug and it crawling around my insides.  It freaked me out, gave me the hibbie-jibbies, and now induced panic.  

I breathed out a large breath and tried to push all those feelings aside.  I needed to get ready for work.  Val and I argued last night because I wanted to drive myself today, but she still felt I was too tired to drive and work all day.  My independence was everything to me.  I know I shouldn’t feel that with Val as she’s been there for everything.  But I’ve had to trust myself for as long as I could remember to keep making myself move forward and survive.  I needed the normality of me driving myself to my job.  I needed to know that I could do this without help.  I know that Val objected out of love and concern, but she finally conceded to my wishes after making me promise that if ANYTHING happened that I’d call her to come pick me up.  I’m surprised that she didn’t insist on going to sit at my desk with me for the first day.  Val always took on a motherly role with me since we were young children, but only during those times when I really needed someone to step into that role.  

I laid out my dress slacks and polo that would allow me the option to keep a few buttons open so I wouldn’t feel like I was choking.  As I showered, without getting my neck wet….yeah that was a challenge, I began to pull my work clothes on one piece at a time.  It felt like I was putting on armor and with each piece sliding in place I felt like my work mask slid back into place.  Not that my work persona differed widely from my true person, but there were some differences.  Like I was quieter than in my home life.  I didn’t talk about the women I dated or events I did.  Most of my coworkers couldn’t tell you the first thing about my life outside work.  My co-workers knew I was gay and I didn’t discourage them from getting to know me.  Very few made the effort to get to know the truth, but would rather either assume or believe what someone else assumed.  I just let them be as I wouldn’t be able to stop what others thought.  

As I walked into the building, the feeling that time didn’t change hit me.  I know I was only gone for two weeks, but it felt like I was returning from a weekend only.  I grabbed my seat, clocked in, and began work like usual.  Nothing changed, except me as I felt different.  I felt anxious and uncomfortable.  I sat there and continued to work.  Occasionally, someone’s morning greeting would interrupt me and I’d whisper out a greeting to the passerby.  Of course, this was all followed by questions about how I was doing.  By the first hour my voice was gone.  I had tried to minimize my talking, but it just wasn’t possible.  Once I lost my voice completely, people would give me that look like I was broken and leave me be.  I was thankful for being left alone, but pissed at the looks and attitude.  I wasn’t broken.  I wasn’t something to pity.  

At hour four, I felt like all of my energy left me.  Oh my god, why was I so tired.  I wanted to take a small walk to wake myself up, but a walk to the bathroom and back seemed like a marathon.  I began to think that I wasn’t going to make it through the day, but I soldiered on.  By the time I had eight hours in, I knew the drive home would be a struggle, but I didn’t want to give in and call Val to come get me.  So, I plopped my bottle of water in the cup holder and began the trek home.  I kept telling myself the whole way that the first day was the hardest.  

After arriving home, I signed to Val that I didn’t have a voice.  She asked small questions to make sure I was okay and then I escaped to my room and my bed that was calling my name.  I laid down and closed my eyes.  The peace was nice.  The familiarity of the room comforted me and I felt myself relax.  I guess I dosed off as I jerked alert when my phone chimed.  I looked to see a text from Astrid. 

Astrid: _How was your first day back?  Did they miss you?  How are you feeling?_  

Yep, that was Astrid.  She probably debated what questions were the most important, then couldn’t decide, so put them all in.  She did this while speaking to her too.  It was adorable. 

Rhi:  _Day was okay.  I guess they missed me.  Most of the team seemed happy to see me back at my desk today.  It was a long day_. 

I laid my cell down on my stomach and then put my arms under my head.  I let my mind wander to Astrid.  She was a good friend prior to this, but she has really stepped up these past few weeks.  Just like the day that I had my calcium scare.  She didn’t hesitate to leave her business and refused to leave my side the rest of the day.  She even stayed after Val got home as she wanted to make sure that I didn’t have any more issues.  When she wasn’t seeing me through my many appointments, or the nights she came over, she texted me.  

Astrid:  _I bet it was a long day. So, what is for dinner?_  

Rhi:  _I have no clue.  I’m sure I’ll find something in the fridge or the pantry.  What are you having?_  

That’s the other thing that I really like about Astrid.  She seems to read me very well.  Normally that bothers me, or scares me, but with her it makes me feel good.  She knows when I just want to move on from a subject and will help find a new topic. 

Astrid:  _I was thinking about some fried chicken, coleslaw, green beans, and fried potatoes._  

Rhi:  _Wow!  You are outdoing yourself there!  You are really going to fix that after such a long day at the shop?  *shocked smiley face*_  

Astrid:  _You know they have these places that you can drive your car up and they will hand you over a meal.  *smiley face with tongue sticking out*_  

Rhi: _Yes.  I believe I know of these places.  LOL So…how was work today?_  

Astrid:  _It was good._  

The conversation seemed to lag and I fought to think about what to talk about, but I was too tired to think of anything to ask or topic to start on.  Just as I felt myself drifting back off, my phone chimed again. 

Astrid:  _I wanted to text you multiple times today to see how it was going, but I didn’t want you to take it the wrong way.  Honestly, were you okay today?_  

Rhi:  _Honestly?_  

Astrid:  _Please._  

Rhi:  _Today was rougher than I anticipated.  My voice was gone by the end of the first hour. So, that sucked.  The day was tiring.  I feel like I could sleep all night.  But I got the first day out of the way.  Maybe tomorrow will be better._  

I don’t know what kept allowing me to open up to Astrid.  I was used to opening up to Val, but there were limits to what I would tell her.  Astrid seemed to sneak more information from me without me realizing until it I’d already shared.  Sometimes I worried that I was sharing too much with her.  I didn’t want to scare her off.  I mean I didn’t always have the most friends growing up because they didn’t want to be around someone like me.  Maybe I was too loud, too quiet, too deep, too broody, too friendly, too happy, too fat, too tomboyish…the point is I never knew why people didn’t get close to me.  I tried to move on from that while at college, but I found the same there as well.  Maybe I just wasn’t friend material. I always worried about scaring off the few friends that did stick around.  

I had figured out that I was gay in high school, but I didn’t the courage to come out until I got to college and even then it was a few years in.  I constantly worried that someone would figure it out and then all the girls in my school would think that I was oogling them.  Or they would think an accidental brush of shoulders or arms while studying would be a come on.  I got to the point that I shied away from contact with anyone.  I began changing in a small corner that was out of sight of the rest of the room.  Then when I was done, I’d hurry from the room, but keep my eyes on the floor.  There were some girls in high school that still had issues with me, so if I ever glanced at them for anything, even to acknowledge that they were speaking, then they would call me a freak and tell me to go away.  

I didn’t want this happening with Astrid.  I didn’t want her to think anything bad about me because then she’d leave.  I didn’t want Astrid to leave my life.  That revelation shocked me. Maybe my crush on her was more than I thought. 

Astrid:  _It will be.  I’ll leave you to rest, but we’ll chat more later._  

Rhi:  _How did you know I was lying down?_  

Astrid:  _Val mentioned that you came home and disappeared into your room.  I took a guess that you were resting.  But I had to see how things went.  Until later, Rhiannon._  

I awoke suddenly, my senses on full-alert. I wasn’t sure what woke me, but something did.  My room was completely dark and I wasn’t able to make out anything with my sight, but I heard something.  A small scuff against the carpet, almost as if someone was walking in my room.  I held my breath and let my senses do the work.  Yes, someone was in my room and heading straight towards me.  In one fluid move I sat up in bed and turned on the bedside lamp.  I was ready to spring to action if needed.  

“Rhiannon, it is me.”  Astrid’s voice carried to me about the same time that I registered who stood bathed in my lamp light.  I let my body fall back on the bed, the extra bump against the mattress causing pain in my neck, but I was still tired.  “I didn’t mean to wake you, well, I did mean to, but not like that.” 

“It’s okay.  I’m just a really light sleeper.”  My voice was broken and soft, but at least it was there. I rolled over and perched on the side of the bed trying to clear the cobwebs still hanging on in my brain. 

“Val warned me.”  She sat down near me.  Not enough to let our shoulders brush together, but close enough I could feel the heat radiation off her body.   “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to frighten you.  And thank you for not attacking.”  I gave her a confused look.  “Val said that you straight out attacked her once when she was trying to sneak in to wake you.  So, thank you for not doing that.” 

“Oh.”  I chuckled at the memory of Val screaming as I sprung into action, grabbing her from the side of the bed, and she ended up pinned to the floor with me sitting atop her with my fist locked and loaded.  “Yeah, but I knew someone was supposed to be in the house today.  She let herself into my apartment and then snuck up on me.”  Astrid chuckled slightly and I knew that Val had told her the whole story.  “Besides, Pip, I think you could have taken me today.”  

“Oh really?”  A glint shone in her eye and I suddenly realized what I had said.  Shit, why didn’t I think about those words before saying them? Now to cover for myself. 

“Totally!  You know, I’m fresh from surgery and was sleeping.  I think your coffee shop muscles would have been victorious tonight.”  She playfully flexed her muscles and laughed. 

“The shop gives me more muscles than you think.  However, if I could have taken you tonight with these guns, then we need to get food in you pronto.” 

“Did Val fix something?  Do I need to call in an order?  How can I help?”  Great, I’m picking up on what Astrid does with all the crazy questions at once. 

“No, I brought over your favorite meal.”  She stood and turned towards the door.  “Come on, let’s go feast on some chicken!” 

“I just thought you were torturing me earlier with talks of fried chicken.  You didn’t have to bring food over.”  I stood and started to follow her to the kitchen. 

“I wanted to celebrate your first day back to work.  And a southern celebration isn’t proper unless there is fried chicken.” 

“A woman after my own heart!”  

The rest of the night was spent chowing down on some good southern chicken, a movie, and laughter with all of us.  It touched me deeply that Astrid wanted to take more time away from her busy day and celebrate the small accomplishment of returning to work.  Even though it took what strength I had remaining that day, I enjoyed every minute of the impromptu celebration.  

____________________________________________

 

I glared at my reflection over the sink.  I winced at the image as I knew I looked bad.  No matter how much I smiled or tried to sound upbeat while talking to my coworkers, I could see lines of fatigue that plagued my eyes and the pale coloring that made me look sick.  I was nearing a month back to work and every day was a struggle.  Physically, it was hard to make myself get up and go to work every morning.  There had been a few mornings that I hurt and felt so bad that I couldn’t force myself out of bed.  I wasn’t sure if there was something seriously wrong, or if my combined mental and physical state were ganging up on me.  I had called my Endocrinologist once about the general yucky feelings, the moodiness, extreme fatigue, and the achiness.  Of course her office just told me to keep hanging in there that it would all get better.  So, they didn’t really seem concerned, so I was torn if I should be concerned.  The moodiness was a real problem.  I could go from bitch to sobbing mess in about half a second.  Not having strict control over my emotions was wearing me down physically and emotionally.  Every time that I let my emotions slip, I became angry with myself.  

I think my mental and emotional health was worse than the physical symptoms right now.  All day at work, every day, people avoided me.  My coworkers that were closest to me stopped asking me how I was doing because, let’s face it, they had eyes and could see how I was doing.  I caught people staring at my neck and then this pity look would take over their features as they met my eyes.  I almost like the people that stared at me from a distance and chose to hide that they were staring.  But it all still angered me.  It was like this huge purple elephant in the room that no one cared to address.  There were times that I had to rush to the restroom just to try to keep the tears at bay.  I didn’t want anyone’s pity.  Yes, there was no denying that I was sick.  I looked sick, I felt sick, I was sick.  But, fuck, I’m still human.  So, I tried to stay as quiet as possible, I tried to remain at my desk unless it was mandatory that I get out of my chair, and when I did walk around I chose to walk with my head hung.  Staring at the floor in front of my feet was a much better sight than pity.  

On top of all of this, a war raged within me.  Well, honestly several wars were raging, but this one was about _it_.  That horrible c word that I didn’t want to acknowledge.  Every time that the emotions overcame me, I felt guilty.  Every day that I felt like I was going to throw up or that I couldn’t force myself to move from my bed, I felt guilty. Every time a coworker threw a look of pity toward me, I felt guilty.  Every time I opened my mouth to complain about something I was going through to a friend, I felt guilty.  Why you ask.  Because I had the good cancer and this was supposed to be a walk in the park.  Millions of other people suffer with other kinds of this and are losing their hair, are so sick they live in their restrooms, they lose limbs….you get the drift, they are walking through hell.  I’m only walking through a park.  Guilt.  I wake up from a panic attack almost nightly now and it ends with me sobbing because I can’t reach in and remove my attacker.  I live every day knowing that my body is under attack from a silent, unseen predator.  How the fuck do you deal with that?  How am I supposed to be okay with doing nothing?  Guilt. Tears. Anger. Guilt. Rage. Guilt. Exhaustion. Guilt.  I just want someone to tell me that it’s okay.  That it is okay for me to have my panic attacks.  That it is okay to want to cry because my worst fear came true.  That it is okay to just let go, fall apart, and let someone catch me.  No, guilt is there.  Why should I get to cry over a removed thyroid and a doctor described nothing cancer while someone else is fighting breast cancer or Leukemia?  I don’t.  Plain and simple, I don’t have a damn right to feel any of it, except guilt.  I allow myself to feel the guilt because I can’t stop the other emotions from pouring out. 

The other fucked up thing that plagues my mind is I suddenly crave the support of my family.  I haven’t needed them for years.  Hell, they know what is going on, but they haven’t ever called to check on me or even thought to see if I made it out of surgery.  But, damn I hate myself for saying this, but I just wanted my mom to envelope me in a hug and whisper encouragement to me.  It was like that weird need you get as a child that when you fall and scrape your knee, then it doesn’t feel better until your mom bandages it.  We all know my scrapes never felt better, but it was still something I craved then, and now.  Knowing that I wouldn’t and really couldn’t reach out to my family right now drove home that I’m alone. 

I think that is the one thing that no one talks about with cancer.  It is a lonely disease.  Yes, there are support groups, fund raisers, 5Ks, and even months dedicated to wearing pink.  But none of those people know what it is like.  Everyone wants to support you and help you, but they don’t know anything about it.  I helped care for many people with cancer.  I even watched people pass from cancer.  I saw how it ripped through lives, leaving a path of destruction worse than any F5 tornado could do, but yet I didn’t have a clue until now.  Now I have a clue and I’m so fucking lonely in my illness.  Yes, I have Val.  I have Astrid.  I have Caitlin, George, Sam, Erik, Rita, T, Elle, Jay, Jazz, Phil, Josh, Jordan, and Kam.  Yes, they had all texted at some point, but that didn’t fill the loneliness that was in me.  No one texted anymore to ask how I was doing.  I stopped giving updates or sharing the next steps because I’m sure everyone tired of hearing about it.  I know I was tired of it, but I couldn’t escape.  Everyone wants to support you, but no one does.  Even those closest would rather pretend that their friend is just sick, but they’ll get over it.  Almost like it’s the flu.  Or if we ignore it, then miraculously, it will cure itself and be over.  I craved for someone to hold me tight and tell me to let go.  Tell me it was okay to think that my park was really hell.  That it was okay to think that my life, in this moment, sucked and I wasn’t a bad person for feeling all of my emotions.  But instead, I needed to be strong.  I needed to bury the pain, the loneliness, and be grateful that I didn’t have it worse. Guilt anyone? 

 

_________________________________________________

 

**Val**  

“Rhi,” I tried to get her attention from the tv again, but she just raised her eyebrows while intently starting at the picture.  “Rhiannon!”  That got her attention.  “Will you please talk to me?” 

“Talk to you about what, Val?”  She looked between me and the program again. 

“Rhi,” I turned off the tv, which really got her attention.  “Will you quit acting like nothing is happening?” 

“I don’t see what you think the big deal is, Val.  You are heading home for a few weeks before I do the radiation crap.”  

“I wouldn’t go, but Ayden’s work is going through a huge project and he needs help with the twins.  I guess I could,” Rhi’s voice interrupted me. 

“Val, you are needed at home.  So stop trying to rationalize it.” I just looked at her and felt like she just slapped me or something.  Her eyes and face softened as she tried to speak again.  “Val, you know I want you here, I’ll always want you here, you are my sister and I love you.  However, your first priority is Ayden, Alex, and Ryan.  You need to go be home for them now.  I don’t hate you for that.”  

“So, you really don’t have a problem with me having to go home?”  I’ve tortured myself for over a week trying to figure out how I could please everyone involved and just could not figure out a way.  So to hear she really didn’t have a problem with me leaving for a few weeks surprised me. 

“Val, I told you when you brought this up a few weeks back that I would be fine and that you should go home for a few weeks.  You need to be back with the family.  I know them coming here a few weekends in the past month has helped, but you need some time with them all without me around.” 

“Rhi, you are my family.”  She holds a hand up to stop my rant. 

“I know I’m your family, but I’m not your husband or your children.  You need time with them away from me, away from here.”  She stares at me for a while.  “Are you really afraid I’ll get into that much trouble without you here?” 

“No.”  I answer honestly.  “Or maybe I wish you’d get into trouble with a certain coffee shop owner while I’m not here.”  I smirk at her as she instantly looks away from me and blushes. 

“Val.”  She tries to be threatening with her warning voice, but it doesn’t hold much weight when it cracks in the middle of my name and I fight laughing at the situation. 

“What?  You know I’m telling the truth.  Astrid is almost around here as much as I am.  When are you going to ask her out?” 

“I’m not.”  Her voice didn’t hold any of the teasing it usually did when we talked about this.         

“Why?”  

“Val, we’ve talked about this.” 

“No, you’ve talked and I just chose not to push you any further.  Today I want to push.  Why?” 

“I just can’t.”  She hung her head and played with the pillow set across her lap. “I just can’t ask her out right now.”  I remain silent for a few moments to see if she’d actually give me a reason.  “Just drop it okay?” 

My heart physically aches to see her like this.  I’ve watched the already strong attraction between Rhi and Astrid grow over the past weeks into something that a blind person could feel.  Both of them seem to glow when the other is around or if they are talking about each other to someone. It is the cutest thing ever, but if you dare mention it to either of them, they both clam up like this.  Well, Rhi more than Astrid.  Astrid always says that Rhiannon isn’t ready and when she is, then it will happen.  I just think they are torturing themselves when they don’t have to.  There are times I want to lock them in a room until they either know they aren’t meant for each other or finally get together.  But I can’t push either of them more than I have as it is not my life and I’m not in the relationship. 

“Okay.  I’ll let it go, but I won’t always.”  She visibly relaxed a little.  “Just promise me that you will call Astrid if you need help with anything?  Or one of the usual gang, whichever is available.” 

“Val, I’m not…” 

“Not a child or helpless.” I finished her sentence for her.  “Yes, I know, so promise me you won’t act like a child and ask for help when you need it.  I _need_ to hear you say this, Rhi.” 

“Yes mother, I will ask for help if I need it.  Happy?”  She threw another small pillow at me and laughed gently. 

“Thank you.”  I turned the tv back on and sat back in my chair to relax a little. 

Tomorrow, I’d be leaving for approximately two weeks, maybe three.  It depended upon when Rhi’s Endocrinologist set her up for radiation iodine therapy.  We were already told that was the next step by both the Endocrine and Dr. Causte’s office.  Rhi’s final appointment with Dr. Causte was within the next week and he should be releasing her into her Endocrinologist’s sole care.  I really wanted to be at the appointment, but it wasn’t as important as some of her future appointments and Ayden all but begged me to come home for a few weeks due to a big project he was heading up.  In his words, he’d almost be living at the office and didn’t want to call his parents to take Alex and Ryan.  So, we decided that I could come home to help since Rhi was fully released to do what she could.  Well, except move furniture or lift anything over fifty pounds.  I didn’t really worry about her doing either of those things because lifting a gallon of milk still caused her to wince.  So, I knew if something came up, she’d either wait until I returned or she’d ask for help. 

I jumped a little when my phone vibrated in my pocket.  I knew it would either be Ayden or Astrid, so I looked at Rhi to see if she heard the phone.  Rhi’s full attention was on the tv program again.  She fiddled with her phone a little, but wasn’t texting on it or anything.  So, I slipped my hand down to pull out my cell phone. 

Astrid: _You packed and ready?_  

Val:  _I’m packed.  Not sure about ready._  

Astrid:  _Problems with Ayden?_  

Val: _No, nothing like that.  Sorry, that sounded wrong._

Astrid:  _Rhiannon will be fine.  I will check on her every day, I’ll still come over, and I’ll make sure that you come back to her with all the same pieces as when you leave._  

Val:  _Not you too!  Am I really that transparent?_  

Astrid:  _Only with Rhiannon.  Now, aren’t you excited to see Alex and Ryan again?_

Val:  _I really miss them and Ayden.  I would never complain to Rhi about it, but the distance has been hard._  

Astrid:  _Something tells me that she understands.  Plus, there would be a problem if you didn’t want to see them again.  I know they were just here two weeks ago, but still.  Please give them hugs from me again.  Oh and tell Ayden hi for me._  

Val:  _I will.  You promise to check on her?_

Astrid:  _Yes.  Cross my heart…._

Val:  _Thank you, Astrid.  I just want to make sure she is okay.  She’s the only sister I have._

Astrid:  _You are welcome, but really no thanks is required._

I pause to take in Astrid’s words and to realize how close I’ve become with her over the last few weeks.  A buzz sound drew my attention back to Rhi and I saw her grinning excitedly at her phone.  Her fingers were flying over her phone and I could tell she was texting someone. 

Val: _You texting Rhi?_

Astrid:  _Yeah.  Why?_

Val:  _Just curious._  

Astrid:  _Val, I know you.  There is a reason.  What is it?_  

I look back over at Rhi and see the smile still on her face and her fingers still dancing over her phone.  I’m so happy that Astrid makes her happy, makes her smile.  I look back down at my text string and contemplate on what I want to say, if anything. 

“Val,” Rhi’s voice startled me out of my thoughts.  “What time are you leaving in the morning?” 

“I should get on the road when you are leaving for work.  That way I can be home in time to get some errands ran before picking up the kids from pre-school.”  

“Okay.  Well, I think I’m going to call it a night.”  She stood up and started moving toward her room before pausing a step away from me.  “Let’s have breakfast together in the morning before you leave?” 

“Sure.”  I get up from my chair and give her a quick hug.  “Sweet dreams, Rhi.” 

“Night, Val.”  She walked down the hall and I heard her room door click shut. 

Val: _You made her smile.  Oh and don’t keep her up too late, it is a school night!  *winking smiley face*_

 

_____________________________________________

 

**Rhi**

Val left twenty-four hours ago and the house is too quiet.  I did everything I could around the house by ten and was ready to go out of my mind.  It is now Saturday and I was looking for something to occupy my brain, but nothing was doing it.  Heck, I even tried playing video games for a while, but I just couldn’t get into it.  I made a grocery list, which was the excuse I needed to get out of the house, but I couldn’t come up with a reason why I was parking my car in the hospital parking lot.  I passed at least five other coffee shops on my drive to the hospital, so I couldn’t even pretend it was the closest location.  Who was I kidding, a certain dark haired beauty was the reason I’ve been so unfocused all morning.  Well, I’m already here, I might as well go get my coffee and Astrid fix for the day. 

My eyes quickly scanned The Coffee Shop’s counter and the only person behind the counter was Brigit.  I stopped and quickly scanned the seating area around the shop and didn’t see Astrid anywhere.  I slowly approach the counter and hopped into line.  I kept watch out for Astrid and worried that something is wrong with her.  

“Rhi!”  Brigit greets me as my turn at the counter comes. 

“B! What’s up?”  

“Not much.  How are you doing?  You look better than you did the last time that I saw you.”  I thought back to the day I came in with the low calcium.  It’s hard to believe that this is the first time Brigit has been working when I’ve stopped by since that day. 

“I’m better than then!”  I laugh with Brigit.  “How have you been?  It’s been a while since I’ve seen you hanging around here.” 

“Well, you know, I’m a slacker.  Or hasn’t the boss told you that?”  We both laugh again.  “Speaking of the boss, have you stolen any more phones lately?”  With that Brigit throws me a smirk and I can tell my skin flushes with a blush as I can feel the tips of my ears burn. 

“B, I told you, full permission.  Plus, where were the fire extinguisher pictures?  I was waiting for them all evening and not even one.” 

“Some of us want to continue to have a job.”  We laugh again.  “But if you promise to take the heat, I’ll send one next time.” 

“B, I have your back, you know that!  But I don’t think I have the pull you think I do.” 

“Rhiannon MacReynolds, are you harassing this poor woman?  You know Brigit, you can call security when individuals like this come around.”  I jump and turn at the voice that started behind me, but moved to my side at the counter. 

“Pip, you know I’m only giving this fine worker a taste of what she’s dishing out.”  I wink at her and can’t help the full smile that comes to my lips.  She dips her head slightly and a full smile graces her lips as well.  

As she lifts her head to meet my eyes, she bites on her bottom lip and my breath stops at how adorable and incredibly sexy she looks in that moment.  I can’t take my eyes away from her beautiful chocolate brown eyes.  Her smile is showing in her eyes and it makes me smile even bigger.  I step forward slightly because suddenly I want nothing more than to feel this woman in my arms.  She answers my movement by stepping up to me and sliding her arms around my neck.  I slip my arms around her waist and pull her into me and into a full hug. 

“It’s so good to see you.”  She whispers in my ear while still holding onto me. 

“Same here.”  I say gently and move to let her go, but she holds onto my neck a little longer.  Then she’s slowly sliding away from me and my body instantly misses her and her warmth.  She trails one hand down my arm and gently grasps my fingers as if, just maybe, she doesn’t want the contact to end either. 

“Are you okay?”  She asks quietly while still being near me and searching my eyes as if looking for any small lie I might tell.  This woman knows me so well and because of that, I want nothing more than to be completely open with her. 

“I’m fine.  I was restless, so I figured since I needed to go to the grocery store, that I’d stop by to get my fix today as well.”  She looked next to me on the counter and then returned her eyes to me with her brow furrowed. 

“Did you not order yet?” 

“No.  I wasn’t sure I wanted a drink.”  I surprised myself with that statement.  It was the boldest statement that I had made to Astrid in person and I didn’t want to lead her on, but _damn_ , she was my fix.  As the meaning of my words made sense to her, she drew her bottom lip back between her teeth and a blush started to creep up her neck. 

“Brigit?”  She leaned against the counter to look past me. 

“Yeah, boss?”  I heard Brigit answer. 

“Can you fix four white chocolate mochas with raspberry syrup with skim and deliver them to us?”  She straightened back up and looked back at me and tightened her hand in mine. 

“Sure thing, boss.”  

“I have a couple of people I’d like you to meet.”  She was searching my eyes again. 

“Okay.”  I looked immediately around us, but didn’t see anyone.  

She turned away from me and gently tugged on my hand so I’d follow her.  I took a moment to fully look at Astrid.  She was wearing her normal jeans that both looked comfortable, but hugged her in all the right spots.  And I won’t lie, they did wonderful things to her backside, but most of her jeans did.  She was then wearing a teal polo, which I assumed had the shop’s logo on the front, but I hadn’t noticed earlier.  My eyes then trailed to our linked hands and how Astrid had laced our fingers together at some point.  That sight seemed to almost do more to me than seeing Astrid’s body before me.  I took a moment to just feel the heat from her hand and the gentleness of her touch.  Suddenly, Astrid stopped and I quickly moved my other hand to touch her hip to make sure I didn’t mow her over.  My body forgot how to breathe as she leaned back into me slightly.  Before I could react, the contact was gone and she was letting go of my hand to let her hand rest on my bicep. 

“Rhiannon, I’d like you to meet my parents.”  

Her words shot through me and I could feel the color drain from my face.  Parents?  I’m sitting here loving the feel of this woman against me in front of her parents?  Wow, what a first impression!  Get it together Rhi! My gaze immediately shot forward and into the waiting eyes of people I’ve only seen in photos before.  Both of them are wearing knowing smiles and I know they’ve also read me like an open book.  _Shit!_  

“Mrs. Connor,” I leaned forward slightly and offered my right hand.  She obliged and took my hand in a heart shake.  “Mr. Connor,” I offered the same hand to him.  He grasped my hand with a stronger grip and squeezed enough to let me know that he was Astrid’s father, but I’ve never been one to be intimidated by a strong hand shake, so I tightened my squeeze slightly while maintaining eye contact and wearing a smile.  His smile got bigger and he released my hand.  “It is an honor to meet both of you.” 

“Mom, Dad, this is Rhiannon.”  Astrid finished her introductions. 

“Rhiannon, it is so nice to finally meet you.  We’ve heard so much about you.”  Her mom offered the nice words and looked between me and her daughter.  Then she looked back to me and her eyes changed to one of concern.  “How are you feeling, dear? Here, please, have a seat.”  She moved to scoot a chair out near me and motioned for me to sit. 

“Well, Pip, I now know you come by it honest.” I turned my attention to a completely blushing Astrid and the entire group chuckled at my comparison between mother and daughter. 

I moved to pull out the seat to my left, motioning to Astrid to please sit.  Then turned to Mrs. Connor and thanked her for my seat.  The four of us sat down and then Brigit was there delivering four identical drinks.  Astrid and I both muttered our thank yous to Brigit as she sat down each drink in front of us, flashed me a knowing smile and walked away.  I looked back to the table to see Mrs. Connor still waiting for a response from me. 

“Thank you for asking, Mrs. Connor.  I am feeling well.” I decided to try to take the spotlight off of me.  “I hope you both are well and enjoying your visit.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

“First of all, please call me Emily.  Sven and I decided that if we wanted to see Astrid anytime soon, then we needed to come for a visit.  So, here we are.”  She threw a smirk toward Astrid and I knew there was more to the reason than Emily was saying.  I looked to Astrid as well and there was almost panic in her eyes and that worried me.  

“What mom is trying to say,” Astrid turned her eyes from her mother to land on mine.  “They wanted to be nosey, so they showed up here this morning.  Unannounced.”  She punctuated the last word and turned back to her parents with a smile. 

“Astrid, honey, what is this drink?  It is absolutely wonderful!”  Her father cut the tension while taking another sip of the frappe sitting in front of him. 

“Oh, it is a new flavor I’m trying out to see if I want to put it on the menu.”  She smiled at her father.  “I’m glad you are enjoying it.” 

After that the conversation stayed on very neutral topics that had all of us laughing and talking like old friends.  As the conversation flowed around me, I kept coming back to the drink sitting in front of me.  Last week, I stopped by to say hi to Astrid after my weekly calcium blood test at the hospital and we began to talk coffee.  

*********************************************

 

_“So, mixing coffees is as much of an art as mixing cocktails in a bar?”  I asked while listening to Astrid geek out on mixing the perfect coffee._

_“Possibly more of an art than mixing cocktails.”  She raised an eyebrow in a challenge._

_“Why more?”_

_“Because my customer’s all are either sober or have a hangover.  Meaning, they aren’t drunk, so they demand a better taste.”  I laughed but then nodded in agreement.  “Here let me show you what I mean.  Choose a syrup flavor.”_

_She thrust a list into my hands and leaned over across the counter to look at the list with me.  I read through the list three times and found many syrup flavors that sounded really good.  The usual names of caramel, marshmallow, chocolate, vanilla, and vanilla bean all sounded nice, but my eyes kept coming back to land on raspberry.  I tried to understand why because I’m not a particular raspberry lover, so I decided to go with my gut and choose it.  So I pointed out my flavor, turned the paper back toward Astrid with my finger on it and her eyes got really wide and you could see the excitement of the moment wash over her._

_“Excellent choice.  Give me a moment.”  She rushed back toward the coffee and blender section of the shop._

_I loved seeing Astrid in her element.  She truly loved the business of coffee and it showed in every drink that she delivered to a customer.  Some of us geek out on superheroes, others on tv shows, some on fashion, some on science, and even others on sports.  Astrid’s geek out was coffee and I loved seeing her purely in her element in this very moment.  I was glad that the shop was in a lull because I didn’t want to share this moment with anyone else around.  Soon she returned, sitting two small cups in front of me.  One a coffee and the other a frappe._

_“You really don’t want me to sleep tonight, do you?”  I chuckled as she bounced slightly on her feet while waiting for me to take a drink._

_“I used decaf, so you are safe.  Just taste them.”  With that she scooted the coffee toward me as to encourage me to hurry._

_I grabbed the cup and took a smell first and was instantly hooked by a rich coffee smell laced with a hint of fresh raspberry.  The smell was intoxicating.  I gingerly took a sip and moaned before I could contain it.  I instantly blushed and Astrid giggled a little.  I took a larger sip to feel the flavors burst over my tongue.  I wanted to drink the whole cup without pausing, but knew there was another drink to try.  I picked up the frappe and took a sip from the straw and the same flavors burst forth, but with a small difference between the hot and cold taste.  Both were intoxicating, addictive, and I wanted more._

_“Good?”  Astrid’s voice broke through to me, but didn’t take away from my moment of savoring the drinks._

_“Exquisite.”  I whispered.  My eyes snapped back to hers as she stood there grinning.  “What is this called?”_

_“Nothing.  I just made it for you.  Think I should put it on the menu?”_

_“Yes.”  I said without hesitation and a little more forceful that I wanted._

_“Then name it.  It’s yours to name.”_

_“The Pip.”  I said without thinking._

_She smiled shyly at me and I was trying to think of anything to break the awkwardness I felt by speaking so freely.  I hadn’t even thought of it, but this was Astrid in coffee form.  The flavors melding of something so complex into something that grabbed ahold of all of you and wouldn’t let go.  It was everything she had already shown me and promised me of so much more.  It was the more that made me feel awkward.  It was something I knew I craved, something my soul asked for with every meeting, every text, every phone conversation, but something my mind refused to allow to happen.  I looked up to see Astrid staring at me, biting on her bottom lip and her brow furrowed like she could hear my inner struggle.  My heart broke and soared at the look.  Soared with the possibility of what the lip bite could mean, but broke at the same moment with the confusion still upon her face.  I instantly wished I hadn’t spoken so freely because I feel like I’m sending so many mixed signals._

_“Rhiannon,” her voice was soft and she place a hand over mind that were gripped together tightly on the counter.  It was at that moment that a customer showed up at the counter.  “Give me a moment.”_

_“Actually, I need to get going.”  I said hurriedly.  “Um, thanks for the drinks.”_

_“Be safe and I’ll talk to you later.”  She said as she patted my hands before she broke the contact._

_“Definitely.”  I then rushed away from the counter, cursing at myself and my damn mouth the whole drive home._

 

*********************************************************

 

“Rhiannon?”  I heard Astrid’s concerned voice at the same time felt her grip my forearm with a little shake.  I was staring at the frappe in my hands, with my thumb absently moving over the writing on the cup.  There written in black sharpie were the words, “The Pip”.  My eyes snapped up to Astrid.  She looked from my eyes back to where my thumb was on my cup.  She wasn’t able to completely hide the shock of the name on the cup and her eyes shot back to mine.  “Are you okay?”  Her voice was soft and she trailed her hand down my arm closer to my wrist. 

“My morning must be catching up with me.”  I chuckled lightly and looked around the table.  Both her parents were focused on her hand on my arm.  “I’m sorry, but I think I’ll excuse myself and allow you two to catch up with Pip.”  Her mom looked from where Astrid’s hand rested near my wrist to my eyes and I couldn’t read the look that she gave me.  I could feel panic climbing up my body and I had to leave before it consumed me.  I stood suddenly, almost knocking over my chair.  With my action both Astrid and Emily stood and both reached for an arm to grip. 

“Are you okay, dear?”  Emily asked me. 

“Let me walk you out.”  Astrid made the statement in a voice that I knew not to question.  

“It was so nice to meet you, Emily.  Please don’t worry, I am fine, just a little tired.  Nothing a nap won’t cure, or finishing this drink.”  The three chuckled at me and the tension at the table broke a little.  I offered my hand to Emily and she took it again, but held onto it for a couple of seconds longer.  This made me look back to her and it seemed like she was searching me for an answer to a question she hadn’t asked.  I then moved to shake Mr. Connor’s hand.  He gave me a nod and a smile. 

I turned to Astrid and the concern was evident in her look at me.  I could feel the panic level rise again as I knew she wouldn’t let me brush her off with an ‘I’m fine’ statement.  I gave her a polite smile and motioned for her to walk in front of me.  As she passed in front of me, I placed my hand on her lower back before I could think to guide her through the maze of chairs on the way to the door.  I pulled my hand back when I realized what I had done and cursed at myself for not being able to think today.  I just needed air.  I just needed a moment.  

As we neared the door to leave, I slowed my pace.  As much as I needed to leave, I knew that reaching those doors meant facing Astrid.  Facing her was something my body craved and dreaded all at the same time.  As my war raged on in full force, Astrid reached the door and stood to the side waiting for me to walk over to her.  I didn’t change my pace and soon arrived to the side of the door.  I finally raised my head from staring at the floor and met her eyes.  Her chocolate eyes flicked between both my eyes with concern.  

“Come on.”  She reached out, grabbing my hand, and pulling me outside.  Once we were outside she continued to pull me to the side where a little alcove was built inside the wall of the hospital to provide shelter from the wind. There we stopped and faced me again.  “Rhiannon?” 

“Yeah?”  I asked quietly 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m just,” she tugged on my hand which stopped my practiced ‘I’m just tired’ line. 

“Yes, you may be tired, but there’s something else going on.”  She paused and I knew she was waiting for me to explain myself.  I could feel my walls climbing higher and my stubbornness kicking in as I fought to spill the feelings and panic I had felt.  Astrid suddenly moved closer and threw her arms around my shoulders, pulling me down and into her.  She moved the last few inches until she was fully against me and my arms moved to circle her waist to keep my balance and not topple us both over.  “Rhiannon, don’t shut me out.”  Her voice was quiet in my ear. 

“I, I, I’m not.”  I stuttered out quietly to her as I could feel my body wanting to relax in her embrace.  I could smell the light floral, or maybe it was fruity, scent that I had come to associate with Astrid. It was very feminine, but was wrapped into a richer, deeper smell like coffee grounds mixed with something.  The memory of the coffee drink came to mind and suddenly I could taste what I was smelling.  “I’m trying not to.”  With those words my body gave in to her and sunk into her embrace. 

“When you are ready, we can talk about it okay?”  Damn, this woman knows me so well. 

“Yeah.”  I state quietly. 

“Now, are you okay to drive home?”  I went to release her hug, but she held me tight so I couldn’t move. 

“I need to go to the store, then I’ll head home.”  She finally let me out of the tight embrace, but kept her hands on my shoulders to keep me close to her.  

“Why don’t you just go home to rest?  We can go to store tomorrow together.  Okay?”  

“Your parents are here, so you should spend time with them while you can.”  She shouldn’t be taking time away to spend it with me doing something as trivial as grocery shopping. 

“Then we’ll go Monday.  I know Val stocked you up on things before she left, so you should be able to go a couple of days before you need to go.  Okay?” 

“Okay.”  I think she could say she was going to sacrifice me to appease the gods at this moment and I’d willingly allow it.  How did Astrid get so close to me so quick? 

“Will you let me know you get home okay?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.  Drive safe, Rhiannon.  I’ll check in with you later.”  She reached back up to hug me again.  Then she grazed my cheek with her lips as she pulled away.  She moved away from me, walking backwards toward the door back into the hospital.  

Shit.  I’m such a goner.  I shook my head and walked back to my car trying to rid my brain of the memory of Astrid against me.  How does that woman always know _exactly_ how to reach me in every situation?  The only person that can match how well they can read me or know what I need is Val.  Yep, totally and utterly gone.  But I can’t be gone.  I leaned my head against my arms that were circling my steering wheel.  How did Astrid get so close so quick?  I need to step back.  I don’t want to step back.  I want to take a leap.  I just want to take the lunge and take a chance on the two of us.  I can’t.  

I sit back in my seat with force and exhale loudly.  I can’t give in.  I can’t just be with her like I want.  She deserves better.  I wipe the tears from my face and start my drive home.  I know I’m going to need to have a sit down talk with Astrid and outline that I want to, but can’t right now. _Fuck! Fuck you cancer and how you’re screwing with my life!_  I quickly wipe away the tears that escape and continue my way home. 


	11. Control Lost & Gained

**Rhi**

I got home and threw myself down onto the couch, groaning when the rough impact jarred my neck. Note to self, don’t throw myself onto furniture yet.  I let out a loud sigh, half aggravated groan into the room and tossed my arm over my eyes.  Why did I have to go see Astrid this morning?  Why couldn’t I just go run my errands and come home like I needed to do?  Okay, I’m not stupid, I knew why.  It is the same reason I was so anxious this morning while trying to decide what I needed to do and why I just happened to drive all the way to the hospital for a coffee. It’s for the same reason that it felt so good to see that smile and to hear her give me a hard time.  It’s for the same reason that I didn’t want to let her go when she hugged me and why I felt at peace while she held my hand.  And yet, it all has to stop.  Immediate sadness came over me.  I threw a pillow across the room and fought back the burning tears that were threatening to spill over.

Rhi:  _I’ve fucked up._

Val:  _What did you hurt?  Need me to drive back?  What’s going on?_

Rhi:  _No, I’m physically okay._

Val:  _What did you do?_

Rhi:  _I’m an idiot, that is what is wrong!_

Val:  _Want me to call, so we can talk?_

Rhi:  _No.  I don’t want to talk.  I just want the world to swallow me whole.  I want to go back to sleep, wake up and make it be morning again.  Why am I such an idiot?_

Val:  _Well, that is quite the open ended question and I’m not taking the bait.  Spill. Now._

Rhi:  _I went to see Astrid today._

Val:  _And?_

Rhi:  _Things got awkward._

I groaned allowed as my cell phone began to ring a few minutes later.  This was not a good sign that Val wanted to talk.  I just wanted to text.  Texting was easier for me.  Easier for me to put things down and agonize over what I wanted to say.

“Hi.”  I said picking up the ringing phone.

"You are more annoying than Alex and Ryan!”  Val all but screamed in the phone.

“That’s not nice to say about your kids, Val.”  Deflection.  Maybe it would work?

“This is not about my kids and by the way, they are four!”  She took a breath.  “Spill.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Spill.” Another breath.  “Now.”  That came out through clenched teeth.  Yep, best come clean.  I could only imagine the look on her face.  It may sound mean, but sometimes she had to push me.  I pushed all the buttons to get her to this point, so now it was time for her to push some of her own. 

“Fine.  But you need to chill.”

“Rhiannon Alexandria MacReynolds.”  Her tone was flat and so motherly.

“Fine, fine, fine.  I’ll spill!”  I said quickly to pacify her before she began on me again.  I threw my arm back over my eyes and tried to sort it out enough to tell her what happened.  “So, I went to see Astrid today.  Well, no, I got in the car to go to the store, but ended up at the hospital and walking into the Coffee Shop. Anyway, when I got there Astrid wasn’t there, so I was going to leave, but Brigit and I started talking.  Well, then Astrid showed up and she seemed surprised to see me.  Then she introduced me to her parents.  We sat and talked until Brigit brought out drinks. We talked some more and then I needed to leave.”  I stopped and waited for her response.

“Rhi, honey, I need you to expand some.  Where did you mess up?”  She spoke softly and it made me breathe easier.  “Will you help me walk through it again?” 

“I guess so.  I’m not sure what you aren’t getting.”  Why couldn’t she how monumental of a disaster the day had been?

 “Okay.  So you wanted to go to the store, but you ended up at the Coffee Shop.  Were  you okay with showing up there?”

 “Yeah.  Kind of.  Well, it sort of made me nervous that I drove there for a cup of coffee when I had several places closer. 

 “Okay.  And then you found out Astrid wasn’t there, and so you spoke with Brigit?”

 “Yep.”

 “Did she say something to upset you?”

 “No.  She teased me about stealing Astrid’s phone the night I had a low calcium.”

 “Okay.  So, then Astrid showed up.  Isn’t that what you wanted, to see her?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Okay.  Was she angry you were there?”

 “I don’t think so.”  I paused and thought about it again.  She didn’t seem upset.  I remembered her smile, how she leaned in to hug me, how her hand ran from my shoulder to my hand and how it felt to have her fingers interlacing with mine. “No,” I tried to contain my smile.  “She wasn’t mad that I was there.”

 “Was she happy to see you?”  If I wasn’t listening close, I would have missed the question.

 “Yeah, she was Val.  She greeted me by razzing me.  Then she immediately moved to hug me, but then she didn’t remove her hand.  She held my hand again.”  I felt embarrassed by admitting all of this to Val.  I wasn’t very comfortable with public displays of affection and talking about them, even with Val, was really hard.  I always felt like someone was laughing at me or something.

 “She’s reached for your hand before.  Was today different?” 

 “Yeah, she wouldn’t let go of it.  Well, not until we go to the table that her parents were sitting at.  Then she let go of it after introducing me to them.”

 “Wow, so you met the parents?  How was that?”

 “Not like you are thinking.”  We both chuckled.  “They actually seem really nice.  Her mom talked more than her father, but he didn’t just sit there, he was engaged in the conversation.  And you would have loved to see how much of her mother Astrid takes after.  It was kind of surreal in a way.” 

 “So, why did you need to leave?”

 “It all became too much.”

 “What became too much?”

 “Remember me telling you about the drink we made?”

 “Yeah.”

 “She’s putting it on the menu.”

 “Oh.”  I didn’t know what to say next. I didn’t know if I needed to explain anything else or if she understood.  “How did she tell you?”

 “Well, she didn’t actually tell me.  She ordered some fraps from Brigit to have delivered to her parents’ table when they were done.  Instead of bringing the drink that Astrid ordered, Brigit brought out the new drink.”

 “Well, her parents loved the drink and asked about it.  Astrid just told them that it was a new drink she was thinking of putting on the menu.”

 “Did she change the name?”

 “No.”  Was that the problem?  Was that what spooked me?  Did it bother me that she was putting a drink on the menu that I named after her?

“How do you feel about the drink being on her menu?”  And there was the million dollar question.

“I should have never named it.”  I regret my outburst.  I regret that I spoke without thinking about what it would reveal about the moment, about Astrid herself.

“Rhi, we’ve talked about this.  She knows you like her.  Hell, anyone that sees you to in the same room knows that you both like each other!  So, maybe her putting this on the menu is her just returning your favor.  You slipped and named the drink.  So she’s putting this really intimate thing about herself, that exists only between you two, and putting it out there for the world.  Maybe this is her slip.”

Val has a point.  I hadn’t thought of that.  Plus, my cup seemed to be the only one with anything written on it.  I had tried to look at all of the cups, trying to see if the name was on any of them.  Did I freak out for nothing?  Shouldn’t I have given her a chance to explain or to tell me the story?  Oh no, I messed up big time, but not in the way I thought.

“Rhi, what’s wrong?  I can feel your brain spinning from over here.” 

“I panicked.”  I whispered as I felt tears burning my eyes again.

“Huh?”

“Val, I panicked.  I panicked about the drink.”  I was still whispering.

“Oh, honey. What did you do?”

“I ran.”

“What do you mean?”

“I panicked and I ran.”  I was ashamed that I panicked.

“And she let you leave?” 

“No. Well, eventually.”

“Which is it?”

“She knew I was panicking.  She immediately started to walk me out of the lobby area.”

“Was she mad?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know.”

“Okay. Well, what did she do after walking you out?”

“She hugged me.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

“It wasn’t.”  I suddenly was remembering the way she smelled and felt.  In the same moment, I remembered how I felt being held to her.  How it felt to have her arms cradling my shoulders with such softness, but enough firmness that I knew I shouldn’t fight her and that I was safe.  How in that small moment, all my walls fell and I felt so lost, but found at the same time.

“What else happened?” 

“She told me not to shut her out.”  I whispered the words as I was still lost in the feeling of the moment we had shared.

“Are you okay?”  Val’s voice asked me cautiously.

“Yeah.”  I took a moment to gather my thoughts.  “Val, I was such an idiot.  I never let her explain.  I just panicked.  And she took the time to make sure I just didn’t run away.  I’m so stupid.  I’m such a bad friend.”

“Something tells me she’ll forgive you.” 

“Not helping.”  I was not amused by her sarcasm.  “I need to talk to her.”

“Yep.  And I’m glad you realize this on your own, so I don’t have to explain it to you.”  She laughed a little at that one.

“You are such a great help, Val!”  I said with as much sarcasm as possible.

“Glad to be of service.”  She gave me a moment of silence.  “You off the ledge now?”

“Yeah.”  I paused again.  Once again, Val helped me talk it out.  “Val, I, uh.”

“Rhi, please don’t.”  She interrupted me.  “We both know that I’m going to call you in a panic in the next few days because one of my mini-chiefs is hiding so well that I will panic.  And of course, only Aunt Rhi will know how to find him or her.  So, please don’t thank me.  However, I love you and I don’t mind hearing that back.”

“You know I love you!  And I’ll be here for your panicked call.”

We both chuckled and then said our goodbyes.  Looks like I’m going to need to make a house call tomorrow, or a phone call tonight.  I just know that Astrid’s parents are in town and I don’t want to interrupt her time with them.  Maybe my apology can wait until Monday.  Yeah, Monday sounds good. 

 

 

 

**Astrid**

I can’t get Rhiannon off my mind.  I keep playing our conversation from earlier over and over in my head.  I keep wondering what I needed to do differently.  I got so scared when she realized the drink Brigit served to the table was the one she created and named.  I almost asked Brigit to take them back as it wasn’t what I asked her to make, but I honestly the harm in serving the new drink either.  Rhiannon panicked.  I never thought Rhiannon was someone that shied away or became scared of the idea of something beyond friendship.  We haven’t really discussed our friendship in the past month, but I know she doesn’t want anything beyond for a while.  Hell, I can’t really blame her.  I can’t imagine fighting cancer and going through all the changes her body is going through on top of trying to figure out what I’m feeling toward a friend.  And I know I’d be terrified that I’d mess something up and lose a friend.  I know that Rhiannon has a group of friends here local, but I haven’t met any of them.  She will occasionally mention that someone texted or check on her, but it is a rare occurrence.  No, I understand why she may panic about the drink and what it could imply.

“Astrid,” a hand touching my back and made me jump in surprise as my name followed the touch.  I gripped the counter in front of the sink tighter and tried to slow my racing heart.  “Oh, I’m sorry dear, I didn’t mean to startle you.  I tried to get your attention since I came into the kitchen, but you just kept staring at the dish water.”  I turned to my mom with a smile.

“I’m sorry, mom.”  I took the towel she offered me and turned to face her, resting my hip against the counter.  “I was just lost in thought.”

“I’m going to guess it is thoughts of a certain tall, tan, beauty.”  My mom smiled at me and I could feel the blush creeping its way up my neck.  “You can’t even deny it, dear.  Your blush answers for you.”  She pulls me in closer to her and into a hug.  “You know, I won’t lie, I thought for sure you were going to tell me that you had a new girlfriend today.”

“Mom,” I pull away from the hug so I could look at her in the eyes.  “I’ve told you before, we are just friends.” 

“Yes, you’ve said.”  She shifted to put her arm around my shoulders and began to steer me out of the kitchen and toward the den.  “Come, sit, and talk to us.”  I started to interrupt her, but she talked over me.  “Your Dad and I want to know more about your life, the shop, and Rhiannon.” 

“I’ve already told you about all of those topics.”  I said while giving in and sitting beside my mother on the couch. 

“Okay, so we have specific questions we want to ask.”  Dad chimed in while entering the room and joining us on the couch while taking a seat on the other side of me. 

My parents are very liberal and I grew up in an atmosphere that allowed me to really explore who I was and what I wanted to do.  They were never shocked by anything I did as a child.  Once I got into my teen years, I tried to shock them a few times, but they didn’t even bat an eye at my behavior or choices.  I guess this was a blessing as I went to college and came back with my first girlfriend.  They never cared about the gender, but how the person treated me.  We often had these little sessions on the couch as I grew up.  It meant they wanted answers to some tough questions, but still wanted me to know that I am loved.  I’m very grateful for my parents. 

“Okay, I give in.  What questions do you two have?”  I asked while trying to get comfy.

“Your shop seems to be going very well and it looks like you have a very capable staff.”  Dad started the conversation and I rolled my eyes.  I knew the first few questions were going to be easy and general.  They always were.

“That isn’t what you really want to say, but I’ll let you ease into it.”  I smiled at my dad, so he’d know that I was only teasing him slightly.  “But to answer your question, yes, my business is going well.  I am fortunate to have very little turn-over and that the employees I do have are very good at their jobs.  I have a few that are ready for more responsibility and a few that have stepped up without really having to be asked.  It is a blessing and I’m trying hard to make sure that it continues.” 

“Are you taking time to live life away from the shop?”  My dad asks this question as well. 

“You do see that I have a house that I sleep in every night.  I don’t understand what you really want here.”  I look between the two and just wish they’d ask me what they really want to know.  I know it is coming and I still worry about them actually asking the questions.  I know they want to know about Rhiannon.  I’ve talked too much about it at times and not enough other times.  My parents know me.  It is a blessing and a curse.

“We worry that you are spending your entire days at the shop.  We know how you pour yourself into your work.  We want to make sure that you are taking time to live life and have fun.”  My mom says.

“Life is more than just work.”  Dad put in his two cents.

“I’m taking the time that I can.”  I see them both grimace a little.  “No, I mean, I’m living my life.  I’m not at work 24/7 and I’m taking out time for a life away from the shop.”  They exchange a look over me and I hate when they do this silent communication thing.  “I swear!”  I say with a little more conviction.

“Okay, we believe you.  For now.”  My father says and pulls me to him by my shoulders and I allow him to give me a half hug.  I lay my head on his shoulder for a moment and allow myself to enjoy his closeness.  As a child, I loved to lean against my father and just let his strength soak into me.  He was always a very solid man, but was so gentle and kind.  He was never like the other fathers in our neighborhood.  I’d watch my friends’ fathers and how they treated their daughters.  They always kept them at arm’s length.  My father, never did that with me.  My parents were my best friends growing up and we still remain very close to this day. 

“Tell us about Rhiannon.”  My mom asks quietly as she takes my hands in hers.  I sit up from my father’s shoulder so I can have the serious conversation they’ve been wanting to have since this morning at the shop.

“I’ve told you about her some.”  My mom nods to acknowledge this is the truth.  “What more do you want to know about her.”

“Hun, we don’t want to ambush you or make you think you have no privacy.  We just want to make sure you are going into this with your eyes open.”  My father chimes in quietly while putting his arm across the back of the couch so I can lean back against him.

“I am.”  There’s silence after my statement.

“You love her?”  Mom asks still keeping her voice soft.

“Wow, you sure don’t start easy!” I exclaim with a laugh, but it is just a ploy to allow myself to think before I answer.  I quietly respond, “I don’t know.”

“What confuses you?”  Mom replies.

“Everything.  Nothing.”  I pull my hands back into my lap and begin to play with my cuticles and nails.  It’s my tale that I’m nervous.

“Astrid, love is confusing in a normal circumstance.  I can’t imagine how your emotions are all over the place right now.”  Dad pulls his arm back around my shoulders, but moves closer to me instead of drawing me to him.

I nod to confirm because I don’t trust my voice at this moment.  I can feel my parents’ love radiating around me.  I haven’t been this confuse since college when I thought I wanted to marry one of my girlfriends.  I ran home to my parents and they let me stew for three days.  Finally, they sat me down on the couch, much like tonight, and we had a heart to heart chat.  They never raise their voice, they never pressure me to answer, but they always seem to say the right things.  They ask the questions that I refuse to ask myself and they let me talk things out until it is clearer in my head.

“I told you Val gave me a choice.”  They both nodded.  “I never questioned my answer or why she told me to choose.  It was one of those things that I just knew without a doubt that I wanted to be in Rhiannon’s life.”  My mom took a breath and I knew what she was going to ask, so I answered it before she could.  “I still don’t doubt that decision.”

“Then what is confusing?”

I sat there knowing that I already knew the answer.  I knew what confused me and what the answers were.  I knew that there really wasn’t any other question but when.  When things would progress with Rhiannon.  I knew I was supposed to be in her life and I knew I belonged as more than a friend.  I just didn’t know when I’d have that opportunity.  I am an inpatient person with a lot of things in my life, but I know that I _have_ to be patient with this.  I can’t hurry her.  I can’t hurry us.  But it hurts to hold back with her.  It hurts to not hold her hand or to share our first kiss.  It hurts to think that she could not want any of that with me.  It confuses me because I’m not in control of anything in this situation.

“Hun?” Dad squeezes me a little to regain my attention back to mom’s question.

“I’m not in control.” I pause as those words echo inside my head and inside my heart.  “I’m not confused about anything that I feel about or toward Rhiannon.  I just, I hate that I don’t have any control over any of this.  And I know that’s selfish.  I mean, I know how bad I feel about not having control, but then I think about how much control was taken from her. It hurts to know, and see, what she’s going through and no one has any kind of control over it.  Her illness has all of the control for all of us and we are just along for the ride.”  The more I talked, the more my tears came to the surface.  I didn’t want to cry.  I had held it all back for so long because in this story, I wasn’t the one that should be crying.  Rhiannon should be the basket case and I should be there to comfort her.

“Astrid, dear, control isn’t lost.”  My mom reached up to wipe a few of my tears away that escaped.  “You have all the control because you can control how much you are there for her.  No one can take that control away from you.  You hang onto what control you do have and eventually she’ll beat this.  Eventually, the two of you can control the situation again.”  Mom wiped another tear and my dad kissed my temple.  They allowed me a few moments to collect myself and reign back in my emotions.  “Now,” my mom said through her exhale.  “We want to spend more time with her.  We want to make sure she deserves your affections.”

“Hear us out,” dad interrupted me before I could begin to protest.  “You are an adult and you can date, see, and socialize with whomever you choose.  But this woman, she has captured your heart.  We want to get to know her, just a little more.  I’m sure she is worthy of your love, or you wouldn’t be falling for her, but we want to get to know her ourselves.”

“I think what your dad is trying to say is that we just want to know her more than hearing about her through you.  Neither of us want to overstep, you know we aren’t like that.  We understand the situation is delicate at best.  We want Rhiannon to get to know us as well because we are part of your life.”  Leave it to my mom to tie the pretty bow around the package and smooth all the rough edges. 

I know that my parents don’t mean anything by wanting to know more about Rhiannon.  I’ve felt it coming.  First I’d accidently let her name slip when we were just meeting at the shop and getting to know each other.  But when I started spending more time with her and Val, their names came up a lot.  At first my mom had thought that Val was Rhiannon’s new girlfriend she was bringing around, but I quickly set the relationship straight.  I’m sure that raised even more alerts for my parents to know that Rhiannon meant more to me than I was letting on.  But as parents go, they aren’t ones for elaborate threats or warnings about hurting their daughter.  They’ve never been that way.  I know that their curiosity is genuine. 

“Honey, we are going to turn in for the night as it has been a long day.  You think about what we’ve said and just let us know.”  Mom patted my leg as she made to get off the couch.  She then leaned over me and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.  My father repeated the gesture before they both disappeared from the room. 

I sat there starting at the wall for a while, trying to stop my mind from thinking about anything.  I could feel my subconscious mind battling itself on what we should do, but I already knew in my heart what I wanted to do.  But sitting here volleying ideas back and forth in my head is not helping my situation or my anxiousness.  I flung myself up off the couch and made my last rounds around the house, making sure all the doors were locked, lights off, nightlights on, and alarm set.  When I was satisfied the house was safe, then I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and meandered toward my bedroom.

After closing the door after me, I flung myself down across the bed while also sitting my bottle of water on the side table.  Today seemed to be on auto play in my head.  I was second guessing every move, every word, every look made between Rhiannon and I today.  The fact that her text after getting home today was simply a ‘ _hey, I’m home.’_ I had tried not to contact her for the rest of the day when the follow-ups to my response remained one word answers.  Maybe I shouldn’t have pulled her to me today, so she couldn’t escape.  Honestly, I did it on instinct alone.  I know that there have been some times that Val has tried to get Rhiannon to open up or believe her, so she always makes physical contact in those moments.  When I asked Val about it late one night, she simply said that words don’t mean as much as an action.  I get that mentality.  A physical touch can convey a truth that words could never carry.  I needed her to know that I wasn’t leaving.  I needed her to know that I’d always be here for her.  I needed to know she wasn’t running.  _Shit!_   When did I become a physical person?  When did I start trusting touch over words?  If I’m honest, it started when I met her.  She’s been the only person that I wanted to get closer to, wanted to touch more, wanted to emphasize my meaning by a simple placed hand, wanted to hug hello and goodbye, wanted to feel her skin beneath my lips.  _Damn!_   I have it bad and I have to get this under control.

I picked up my phone to check if I have any missed calls or messages, but didn’t find any.  Before I realized what I was doing, I had opened my thread with Rhiannon and began typing.

Astrid: I j _ust wanted to check on you.  I hope you are doing okay and that you got some rest._

Yeah, that is believable.  I am supposed to be checking on her for Val, but she’s going to know this isn’t for Val.  If Val wants to know how she is, she’ll call or text Rhiannon herself.  I waited for a while, but did not get a reply from Rhiannon.  I had to at least know if she was okay.  Time to check in with Val.

Astrid: _Have you heard from Rhiannon today?_

Val’s response came almost instantly.

Val:  _Maybe.  Have you?_

Astrid:  _By that answer, you know I have.  Is she okay?  Did I mess up?_

I could feel tears burning my eyes again and furiously rubbed them to try to hold back the emotions.  Why did I have to step over that line today?  Sure, Rhiannon and I were getting closer, but my hug today was the most intimate thing we had shared thus far.  And now I ruined it.  Shit!  Fuck!  Why!?!?!? I’m such an idiot!

Val: _Our girl is fine.  She might be living in her head a little right this moment, but it might do her some good to visit there for a bit.  Are you okay?_

Astrid: _Just reliving the day and probably over thinking everything.  She told you everything?_

Val: _Yep.  Right down to the drink she named for you and the vice-grip hug you gave.  I applaud you and your efforts. *Smiling Emoji* Way to make our girl take notice! *Clapping hand emoji*_

Astrid:  _I think I messed up today, V!  I don’t even know why I pulled the hug stunt.  It just felt right.  It felt like she was running and I didn’t want her to just walk away._

Val: _Okay. I JUST left.  How’d you two get into so much drama in such a short amount of time?  Sheesh!  *Smiley with a tongue sticking out emoji*   Now, first, you did not mess up. Your instincts were right because she was running.  Just talk to her.  Tell her what you are thinking, what you are feeling.  Okay, maybe not everything that I know you are thinking/feeling, but enough she gets an idea where things stands._

Just talk to her.  God she makes it sound so easy!  I wish I could just tell her where I stand with everything.  When Val asked me to choose to go all in or walk away, I knew she didn’t mean for anything more than as a friend.  My head knew that I was walking into the situation to stay as a friend and to be there as a friend.  But my heart walked in open to all possibilities and hoping for more.  I may have not known that was what my heart was doing on the first day, but I knew shortly after.  Things with Rhiannon have always been easy for me. I remember having this feeling of arriving home when I started spending time together.

 Astrid:  _Thanks Val.  So how are things there?  Sorry to have jumped into my drama today.  LOL How are Alex and Ryan?  Have you seen Ayden yet?_

Val:  _No worries dear.  I figured you’d be reaching out eventually.  Alex and Ryan are currently playing with their Legos.  They were excited I was home for all of 10 min before doing their own thing.  Ayden was home last night, but has been at the office all day.  He said he’d be late tonight.  So it begins!  LOL_

Astrid:  _Well, you can’t say you don’t get any time to yourself then. LOL  Give the kids a hug and take a bubble bath or something after they are in bed.  Take some time to pamper yourself.  You deserve it!!!_

What am I going to do?  Maybe I need to just let Rhiannon deal with her own head for the rest of the weekend.  But if I do that, I’m scared that she’ll get really lost up there.  Is that wrong of me to think about that?  I feel like if I let this wait until next week that we will slip back into acquaintances.  I don’t think I can take that chance. Maybe it is wrong, or selfish to feel like this, but she’s become so much more than the person I used to have conversations with once in a while at the shop and everyday it seems that the connection grows.  I don’t want to lose that.  I only have one more option.  I opened our text string and hit the call button.  Maybe she was already asleep or not with her phone, but I needed to try.

 “Hello.”  Relief flooded me at hearing her voice.  She answered the phone!  She could have just as easily of hit ignore. 

 “Hey, Rhiannon.  It’s Astrid.”

 “I wondered why my phone was flashing your name.”  Humor, that is a good sign.  I chuckled.

 “So funny!”  I paused to listen at her own chuckled and the sound warmed my heart.  “Are you feeling better tonight?”  I cringed at asking that so quickly.

 “You could have just texted me about that, but yeah, I got some sleep and I feel better.” 

 “I texted earlier, but I didn’t hear from you.  I just wanted to make sure you were okay before turning in for the night.”

 “Turning in before 10.  Wow, Pip.  You are showing your age there.”  She chuckled again with me.  “And for the record, I just got back to my phone.  Sorry, I didn’t text you back.  But, I’m doing okay.” 

 “Well, I’m glad that you weren’t ignoring me.”  I tried to keep my tone light, but there was truth in my words.

 “Actually, I’m the one that is lucky _you_ aren’t ignoring _me._ ”

 “Why should I be ignoring you?” I wasn’t sure how to approach this, but I guess here we go.  “Do you want to talk about it?”  I asked quietly and I am sure that it sounded as unsure as I felt.

 “Want to, not really.” Her voice was really quiet. “But, I think we need to.” 

 “I agree.  We do need to talk about it.”  I took a moment to gather my courage, but she beat me to it.

 “Are you really putting the drink on the menu?”

 “Before we begin.  Can we both agree to tell the absolute truth, regardless if we think it is what the other wants to hear or if we are scared to say it?”  I was shocked by my own courage.

 “I’m always truthful with you, Astrid.”  I was struggling to find the right way to counter those words from her.  “I’m sorry.  You are right. I’ll give you the absolute truth.  I promise.”

“Thank you.”  I all but whispered as I was surprised that I didn’t need to twist her arm more.  “I promise too.”  I took a deep breath.  “Yes, I am really going to put the drink on the menu.”

 “Why?” 

 “Wow,” I breathed out.  “Nothing like jumping right in.”  I chuckled slightly as I tried to organize my thoughts to answer the question.

 “If you don’t want to get into it, then I’ll understand.”  Rhiannon gave me the out I wanted, but I knew I couldn’t take it.  If I had any hope of her being honest with me, then I needed to be honest with her. 

“No.  I want to answer.  I was just trying to think of how to say it and have it make sense.”  I took a steadying breath and breathed out slowly, collecting my courage.  “There are several reasons, actually.  From a business aspect, I think the drink will sell and be popular.  You made a great drink.”  She chuckled with me.  “From a personal perspective, well, that is where it gets more confusing. I, uh, well…..part of me wanted to add it because it is a drink that you created.”  I pulled in another nervous breath.  “And another part of me loved that I could put something so personal on display and no one would know the history of it.”

“Where you going to talk to me about it?”  She mumbled something else beneath her breath, but I didn’t catch what she said.  “Shit, I’m sorry, Astrid.  I’m out of line on this one.”  I interrupted her before she could continue.

“Of course I was going to discuss it with you first.  How are you out of line by wanting to know that?”

“It’s your shop, Astrid.  You don’t need to run anything by me.  I’m sorry.”

“Rhiannon,” my heart was breaking.  “Do you really think that I would publicly put something so personal on display without talking with you?  I waited for a while and didn’t get a response.  I was starting to get a little upset that she could think that little of me.  “I thought you knew me better than that.”  More silence.  “Well, let me set the record straight.”  My voice was a little more forceful than I wanted, but it really did hurt that she could think I’d be that insensitive.  “I was going to talk to you before I put it on the menu.  I ran the drink by Brigit to get her opinion on the taste.  Yes, before you ask, I did tell her the story behind it because I have that kind of relationship with Brigit, but you already know that. You heard the order I put in with her, so she brought those over on her own.  I didn’t know that she was going to do that, so I apologize for her behavior.  I’ve already spoken to her about it.”  I took a breath trying to calm myself again.  “Does that answer what you wanted to know?”

“I’m sorry.”  Her voice is barely a whisper and it instantly stopped the anger within.

“Did you really think that I would have done something like that?” 

“I, uh.”

“You promised, Rhiannon.  Just tell me the truth.”

“No.”  Her answer was confident.  “No, I honestly didn’t think that you would do something like that.”

“Then why did you panic today?”

“I, uh, I shouldn’t have panicked.  I’m sorry about that.”  I knew she was trying to just skim the outer edges of the truth. 

“You are entitled to your feelings, Rhiannon.” I wanted to coax it all out of her.  I knew that she was warring with her emotions.  How could she not be?  After texting with Val earlier, I knew that Rhiannon was struggling with something.  I just needed her to open up about it and let me in.  “It is okay to panic.  I’m just trying to understand why you panicked.”

“It was too much.”  I could barely hear her.

“What was too much?”

“Everything, Astrid.  Me, you, your parents, the drink. It just all hit.”  I remained silent, hoping she’d continue.  “This isn’t coming out right.  I think everything just overwhelmed me when everything started clicking. I, uh, I need to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

“Um, do you, uh, what are we doing?”  The last part was rushed and took a minute for me to understand.

“We are getting to know each other.” 

“We’ve been doing that for a while.”  It was a statement, but I knew where Rhiannon’s mind was going.  Mine was already there, had been all day.

“Rhiannon, I won’t lie to you and I think we’ve been dancing around this for a while.  I want to see where we can go.” 

“Astrid,” Rhiannon started to say something, but I interrupted her again.

“Just let me finish, please.  This is hard for me and I need to get through it.” I was met with silence.  “I want us to be more. But I know that isn’t an option right now.  I think we are dancing around this thing for no reason.  If I’m reading you right, you are right there with me.  But the timing is wrong right now.  You need to concentrate on you and getting better.  And I want to concentrate on being there for you in whatever capacity you allow.  So, yes, I understand why you panicked today.  I’m sorry if I overstepped any lines with you as that was not my intention.”

“Thank you.”  Her voice sounded like she was crying or fighting it.  I just remained silent as I wasn’t sure what I should say next.  We had been dancing around this for over a month and it needed to be laid out on the table and discussed.  Rhiannon didn’t need any further stress in her life right now and I needed to know where her lines were drawn so I didn’t make her uncomfortable.  “Thank you for understanding that I can’t give you more right now.”

"But you want more?” I held my breath hoping her next words wouldn’t break my heart.

“Gods yes!”  Her exclamation made both of us laugh softly.

“Well, at least we are on the same page.  Right now we concentrate on what we need to and when you feel ready, then we can see if there is a more.”

“That sounds like a plan.”

“Do you feel better now?”

“Yes. You?”

“Yes.”  I paused for a moment, not sure how my next question would go over.  “Rhiannon, I want to ask something from you.”

“Uh, oh, okay.”

“Will you promise not to push me away?  I know that everyone’s immediate future is kind of unknown, but I want you to know that I’m going to be there.  I want to be there for you, even if it is never more than a friend.  I know that you keep a lot to yourself, but I don’t want you to hide from me and I don’t want you trying to push me away.”

“I’ll try.”

 


	12. Moving Forward

**Chapter 12 – Moving Forward**

 

 

**Rhi**

Rhi: _Guess what I get to start today?_

 

Val:  _A relationship with Astrid? *winking emoji*_

 

Rhi: _*tongue sticking out emoji* You are such an ass!_

Val:  _Just another reason why you love me. *heart emoji with a smiling emoji*_

 

Rhi:  _Yeah, yeah. But seriously…..I’m officially on a severely reduced iodine diet. *a frowning emoji*_

Val:  _Really?_ _So, what is our timeline?_

 

Rhi: _I’m on the special diet for 2 weeks, then I go get two shots, and then I go for my sample dosage.  They will then scan me and determine my actual radiation dose based upon how bright I shine. *star emoji, spotlight emoji*_

Val:  _Okay, tell me about this treatment.  I want to know all of it._

 

Rhi:  _Wouldn’t it be easier for you to just read about it?_

Val:  _I am going to read about it.  I’ll read what you text me. LOL_

Rhi:  _Fine.  This will take a bit…..hang on._

Rhi:  _So, in a short summary, I cannot have the following foods:  anything with iodized salt, no dairy or anything containing dairy, nothing that comes from the sea, limited grain products, limited protein, no herbal supplements, any commercial pastries/breads, red dye #3, eggs, molasses, anything with soy in it._

Val:  _Fuck!  So is there anything you can eat?_

Rhi: _Anything from the earth, non-iodized salt, unsalted nuts, and nut butters.  Basically anything on the “Safe to eat” list.  Oh and I can have up to 5 oz of meat a day, but it can’t all be beef._

Val:  _So, Rhi will be a hangry bear for 2 weeks.  We best notify Astrid so she can be on the look out and go into hiding when she sees you coming. *laughing emoji*_

Rhi: _Oh so funny!_

Val: _Okay so what else do I need to know?_

Rhi:  _I also am not supposed to eat peas apparently._

 

Val: _That’s odd and totally random!?_

Rhi: _You said you wanted to know everything, so I’m telling you what I know.  Anyway, I’m also reading that my dosage is going to determine my isolation period._

Val: _Isolation? *Shocked emoji*_

Rhi: _Yep.  After I get my dose of radiation I will be radioactive and can’t be around anyone or any animals.  Depending on my dose it can be 3-10 days._

Val: _Holy shit!  Okay things just got real.  So, what no one can be in your house?_

Rhi:  _No, I’d be confined to one room that has access to a personal bathroom.  That will lessen the cleaning to do afterwards._

Val: _Okay.  Anything else I need to know._

 

Rhi:  _Well, I can’t breast feed for a while.  Oh and I can’t get pregnant for 6-12 months after treatment._

Val:  _Damn!  I guess we’ll have to alter the pregnancy plans then!  *crying emoji*_

Rhi:  _*laughing emoji with tears*_

Rhi:  _That’s about it.  Or well, that is all I’ve read so far.  I’m sure I’ll be able to share more once I’ve had time to read more._

Val:  _But that is all they told you when they called?  The doctor’s office I mean._

Rhi:  _The nurse called and told me to look at the thyroid association site for the low iodine diet information and scheduled my times to come in for my shots.  Other than that, they didn’t say anything._

Val:  _And what are these shots?_

 

Rhi:  _They are called Thyrogen.  Basically, they will raise my TSH levels without me having to go off my meds for weeks.  It will help minimize how many days I will feel like shit.  Or that’s what I’m deducing from what I’ve read on it so far._

 

Val:  _Are you at work today?_

Rhi:  _Yep!  I have Dr. Causte’s appointment latter today, so I will have to make some time up today.  I also have to talk to my manager about work.  There is potential that I’ll be out another 2 weeks._

Val:  Fuck! _Let me know what they say._

Rhi:  _I will. If you want me to, I can call you tonight._

Val:  _Well, at least text me.  Whatever your voice can handle by that time.  Love you! *heart emoji*_

Rhi:  _Love you too, Val!  Well, I best put my phone down and actually do what I’m getting paid for! *laughing emoji* Give the kids and Ayden hugs and kisses from me!_

Val: _Done._

The call from my endocrine office surprised me this morning and then left me slightly disappointed.  I’m fortunate that I work in the medical field to some degree, or I’d feel very lost.  I had the information at my fingertips by googling, but it was a lot of information to sift through.  I printed out some pages and would go over it more at home.  I found a thyroid cancer group that I wanted to go back and check out.  Maybe they would have some forums or something on the radiation iodine.  As much as I wanted to spend the day digging into the topic and absorbing all the information that I could on this next stage of my journey, I couldn’t afford to lose the production time at work.  I was ahead already for the day, but I couldn’t slack the rest of the day either.  I’d have to table it until after I got home tonight.

 

_________________________________________________

 

 

I wished the check-out receptionist a good day and began to walk out of Dr. Causte’s office.  It felt good to be released from this leg of the journey.  My neck was still tender in areas and he confirmed that it would take a bit to heal, but it was doing great.  I’d been given his stamp of approval and he discharged me from his care.  Part of me felt like this closed a chapter on my healing journey.  It had been one of the first steps to take toward getting back to my life and by knowing that it was done felt good.  It made me feel like I was moving in the right direction more than anything else so far.

 

Feeling a little taller and a little more confident than I had in weeks, I decided that I would drop by to see Astrid.  I hadn’t talked to her more than a few texts here and there since we had spoken on Saturday.  It felt great to know that we were both on the same page.  But, knowing that she wanted more just like I did made it harder to listen to my head.  I had spent Sunday warring with myself, but then decided that I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I began chanting in my head that we were just friends.  Just friends for now.  That second statement seemed to calm things for a bit.  Maybe it was the “for now” part that let my heart hope while it was held in place by my head.  Val told me that I was being stupid and I needed to just let things happen.  I gave up explaining how it feels wrong to start something like that while I’m still getting better.  No one seems to understand, well except for maybe Astrid, that I want to be whole again before I pursue what I want.

 

As I approached the Coffee Shop, I could see there was a small line, so I waited off to the side, out of the way.  Astrid all but took my breath away when I got to actually look at her.  It wasn’t her usual shop outfit, although she always made the ‘uniform’ look good, but it was more than that.  She was in her element.  How she moved around her shop waiting on customers and everything involved in fulfilling each order seemed like she was dancing to a song she choreographed. It was a thing of beauty to witness each time.

 

I watched her greet the next customer in line.  It was a hospital employee as she was dressed in scrubs and a surgical hat.  I heard Astrid refer to the doctor by name and asked if she wanted her usual.  The doctor smiled back and confirmed the order and handed over the cash in her hand.  Astrid finished ringing up the transaction and then turned to make the coffee drink.  A jolt of jealousy shot through me as I saw the doctor’s eyes rake down Astrid’s body as she turned around.  Although, I couldn’t fault the woman, Astrid definitely wore her jeans well.  Every pair she wore seemed to hug just the right places to accentuate her, but was never so tight that it left nothing to the imagination.  Almost like they were giving you their own tease of what lie under them.  Fuck!  I should not be thinking about this right now.  When Astrid handed the doctor her beverage and the change to the order, the doctor set down the coffee, reached out and grasped Astrid’s hand to tuck the change into it.  I didn’t hear anything that the doctor said, but Astrid’s reaction held my attention.  She smiled and thanked the customer, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes.  The next words from the doctor almost knocked me over as I heard her ask her out. 

 

“Pity, isn’t it?”  Brigit’s voice close to my ear jerked me upright and away from hearing Astrid’s response.

 

“Excuse me?”  I asked trying to cover the fact that Brigit had snuck up on me and startled me. 

 

“That doctor comes in at least three times a week and asks her out almost every week.”  I just stare at her and try to process the information that she’s giving me.  I look back to the doctor and really look at her.  She has beautiful mocha skin, the hair showing from under the surgical cap is in a neat braid, and the scrubs she’s wearing is hinting at a nice body underneath, well the best that scrubs can accentuate.  My eyes snapped back up to the doctors beautiful face.  She had full lips and a wide smile.  Her green eyes were sparkling as she spoke further with Astrid.  I turned back to Brigit and wanted to ask a million questions, but my head reminded me that Astrid was free to do what she wanted.  “I just don’t understand how one woman can take so many rejections.” 

 

Brigit threw me a wink and a smile over her shoulder as she walked away from me.  I let my hip rest back against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest as I thought about what Brigit was telling me.  This beautiful doctor asked Astrid out on a regular basis and she keeps saying no.  Maybe they already had a history and Astrid wasn’t interested, or maybe, maybe she was just waiting for the right person to come along.  My heart swelled some with hope that I was that person.  That I was the one that Astrid was waiting on.  But my head seemed to step in to remind me that I wasn’t ready to hope for something like that.  That I needed to let her live her life and that meant she was free to date whomever she wanted. 

 

“Do you like coconut milk?”  Astrid’s voice next to me made me jump for the second time in a very short amount of time.  Man, I must be really lost in my head today, normally no one can sneak up on me.

 

“What?”  Not my most elegant response, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

 

“Do you like coconut milk?”  Astrid repeated it, but now she had her eyes furrowed and was looking at me strangely.  “Are you okay, Rhiannon?”  Astrid reached out and wrapped her hand around my arm.

 

I tried to clear my head, but at that moment the doctor that was speaking with Astrid earlier walked by us.  She looked back at us and frowned.  She looked from Astrid to me, then to where Astrid’s hand was on my arm.  She looked back to me and made eye contact.  I had to smile a little at the disappointment showing on her face.  Then she gave me a small nod and hurried on from the lounge area.  I turned back to look at Astrid and her face was still full of concern and she was watching me intently.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, Pip.  Sorry.”  I covered her hand with mine, looking down at where we were touching.  Then I looked back up at Astrid’s eyes.  She looked from me and then her eyes traveled back to where the doctor had disappeared, but then snapped back to me.  “Looks like you had an admirer.”  I chuckled trying to clear some of the tension that I felt was between us now.

 

“Job hazard.”  She said dismissively.

 

“Hazard?  Having pretty doctors throw themselves at you is a hazard?”  I smile so she knows that I’m teasing her.

 

“Well, it isn’t a hazard for the right woman.”  Her eyes bore into mine and my heart swelled again. 

 

“And Miss Doctor isn’t the right one?”  I didn’t look away, but challenged her.

 

“No.”  She pulled her hand away from me and I instantly missed her touch.

 

“I’m sorry, Astrid.” I cleared my throat and stood up straight.  This was dipping into dangerous territory that I swore I wouldn’t get into until I was well.  “It’s none of my business.”

 

“Do you like coconut milk?”

 

“Uh, yeah. No.” She shot me a confused look.  “I don’t really know.  I’ve never had it.” 

 

“I was hoping you would stop by today.  Do you have some time before you have to leave?”

 

“Yeah.  I’m done for the day.”

 

“Here.”  She unhooked her keys from her belt loop and held them out to me by one key.  “This is the key to my office.  Go ahead back there and I’ll be there soon.”

 

I hesitantly took the keys by the key that she held out to me.  I looked back to her, but she was already moving off to do something else.  I began to walk past the rest of the counter to head toward the hall that would lead me to Astrid’s office.  I caught Brigit’s eye and she winked at me.  I just smiled and carried on.  Once I opened the door to Astrid’s office, her scent rushed into me.  Her office always smelled like freshly ground coffee underlined by a fruity smell that reminded me of the drink I helped create a few weeks back.  I took a moment to just take a deep breath and felt myself relax more.   

 

I was concerned about stopping by today.  Granted, Astrid and I left things in a good place on Saturday night, but it was the first time seeing her in person after our talk.  I don’t know why it is always easier to text or have a conversation on the phone than it is when in front of the person.  I always get nervous after seeing someone after we’ve had a deep discussion and then seeing them in person afterward.  I’ve tried to overcome this for years, but I even do it with Val.  So, I figure that this is just how I am.  Astrid didn’t seem any different today than she is any other day that I see her.  She still talked to me like normal, touched me like normal, and trusted me into her office without her like normal.  Okay, I just need to get myself under control.  It doesn’t help that I just witnessed that doctor asking Astrid out.  Maybe if I wasn’t here, she would have said yes.  No, according to Brigit, Astrid always turns her down.  So, she would have said no anyway.  Right?

 

I heard the door open and I jumped to get out of the way before it could hit me.  I also turned around to face the door while moving away.  Astrid came in, shutting the door behind her, and smiled at me.  Her smile was broad and her eyes shone with the same brightness.  This is the same smile that I’ve been greeted with for several months, if not almost the entire year that I’ve known this woman.  I suddenly feel that I’m returning her smile and moving to help her as she has two drinks in her hands.  She mumbles her thanks as she motions to the couch for me to sit.  I put the drinks down on the coffee table that was new to the room, sat my bag down beside the couch out of the way, and then sat on the couch crossing one leg under me and angling myself to see Astrid.  She smiled at me again before she set angled toward me, but with one of her feet up on the couch. She hugged her knee slightly and settled herself.

 

“How are you?”  She asked quietly, but watching me closely.  This is her new normal for me since I had my low calcium episodes right after surgery.  I asked her about it once and she informed me that she just wants to make sure I’m not giving her a line like I would someone else. 

 

“Honestly, I’m good.”   I reached for my drink, but stopped. 

 

“It is safe for you to drink.”  She said before I could say anything else.  “It is made with coconut milk that does not have iodized salt.”

 

“And what makes you think I can’t have iodized salt?”

 

“Val called me this morning.”  She left the statement simple, but it spoke volumes. 

 

“I was going to tell you.”  I made the statement hoping she’d know that I wasn’t intentionally leaving her out.  We just hadn’t gotten to that part yet.  She just looked at me and I couldn’t read her emotions or what she might be thinking.  “Thank you for doing this for me.  It means a lot that I can still have your heavenly treats for the next few weeks.”  I chuckled slightly and she blushed with her smile.

 

“Were you?”  She wasn’t looking at me, but instead down at the drink she now held in her own hands.

 

“Were I, what?” 

 

“Going to tell me.”  The statement made my heart drop.

 

“Astrid,” I waited until she looked up at me before continuing.  “Yes, I was going to tell you.  I texted Val today after the nurse called because I knew she’d need to start making arrangements.  But I knew I would stop by today as I had my final appointment with Dr. Causte.  I figured I’d tell you in person.”  She nods to my explanation.  “So how much did Val tell you?” 

 

“She told me that you had to go on a low iodine diet because they wanted to do the next treatment phase soon.”  She smiled as she turned her eyes back to meet mine and chuckled lightly.  “She called because she was doing research and realized that you couldn’t have coffee.  So she dug into how we could alter that for you.  Once she found the solution, she called me.  I went out, found, and bought the coconut milk that the American Thyroid Association boards deemed the correct one.  So you are now able to remain drinking your coffee.” 

 

The action shocked me.   I could feel tears sting my eyes, but I blinked them back.  Why would she take the time out to go find a milk substitute that I could have?  Then she took time out to make me one, knowing I’d need proof that it would be okay.  I wanted to rush over and hug her, but I remained rooted to the couch.  She was looking at me with concern and I wanted to erase that concern. I looked down toward the couch as my emotions took me over.  Damn, this fucking disease!  Damn cancer to hell and back!  If I wasn’t sick, I’d do everything I want.  I’d scoot over, take Astrid in my arms, and kiss her worries away.  The memory of her lips on my cheek ignited the anger within me more.  Fuck, fuckity, fuck!  I rapidly blinked back the tears as they tried to rush forward.

 

“Rhiannon?”  Astrid’s low voice and soft touch under my chin surprised me and made me jump. 

 

“Thank you.”  My words are whispered and I’m unable to look up at her.  “Thank you for everything.”  I move my hands up to collect hers and rest them both in my lap intertwined with mine.  I finally gather enough courage to look back at her.  Goddess she’s so beautiful!  I close my eyes for a moment trying to organize my thoughts and words.  “Astrid, thank you for doing this.”

 

“This isn’t just about the coffee.”  Her statement spoke volumes to me.  How is this woman so attune to me so quickly? 

 

“It, uh,” I let out a large breath I wasn’t aware I was holding and chuckled softly.  “It, uh, it seems my emotions are a little all over the place.  I apologize.” 

 

“Don’t.”  It is just one word, but it stops the rest of my apology on my lips.  “Rhiannon, I want you as you are.  I don’t want you trying to put on your masks or put up your walls.  I want you.  As you are.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Why can’t you understand that?” 

 

I feel the tears spill out of my eyes and down my cheeks before I can blink them back.  I squeeze my eyes shut hard and try to get my emotions in check as a sob keeps trying to bubble up.  No one other than Val and her father have so blatantly told me that they want all of me because they don’t want to miss out on anything that is me.  With losing my blood family and having numerous friends walk out of my life, I constructed very large walls around myself for protection.  Somehow, this beautiful woman has wormed her way through those barriers without detection and now she’s detonated the bomb to demolish the remaining walls between us into rubble.  I feel her arms slip around my shoulders and she’s gently pulling my head toward her shoulder.  It is a very awkward position, but it was still comforting and I wanted to give into it more than anything. 

 

I had to stop before my head could reach her shoulder because my neck had piercing pain running through it.  The pain hit me like a ton of bricks and reminded me why I was so upset to begin with.  This fucking cancer.  I sat back up and grabbed at my throat to provide it a little extra support until the pain subsided.  Astrid moved her arms from around me to holding my hands in my lap again.  I continued to stare at our hands and gather my thoughts.  I knew what I needed to remind us both of, but I didn’t really want to do that to either of us. 

 

“I ca, uh, I can’t.  Sorry”  I glanced up at her and she seemed to understand slightly.

 

“Still hurts some?”  I just nod.  We both sit there for a moment just taking it all in.

 

“Astrid, I’m sorry about this.”  I intertwined my fingers into hers, trying to keep from pulling away and letting her know I wasn’t going anywhere either.  “I know we spoke on Saturday.  I know we don’t need to rehash all of that, but I want you to know that I don’t expect you to sit around waiting for me to be ready.  Please live your life.”  Goddess, one of us deserved to live life.  I wanted her happy, I wanted her to not miss out on anything because she was waiting for me.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Listen, I know that people are asking you out and you should go.”  I’d have to be blind to not see the hurt that crossed Astrid’s face.  “I just, uh, I just mean that I don’t want you to miss out on an opportunity because you think that I have expectations for us.  Not that I don’t,” I stopped because I was getting ready to put my foot in my mouth with this rambling.  “This is not coming out how I mean or in the way I want.” 

 

“Well, at least we agree on that.”  She said and then chuckled slightly, which made me laugh a little.  It broke the tension and I relaxed a little.  I really did suck at talking about my feelings.

 

“I don’t know how to say what I’m thinking and I don’t want to hurt you further.  I’m sorry.”  I thought addressing the failure head on would help.

 

“So, let me try to make sense of this.  You acknowledge that you and I both want the same thing?”

 

“I thought we established that on Saturday.”

 

“Yes or no, Rhiannon.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And you think that I’m sitting around waiting for you to change your mind?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Narcissistic much?”  Her words shocked me and I was gathering the air to argue this point, but she then broke out in laughter.  “Got ya!” 

 

“Thanks!” 

 

“Okay, let me try to put your worries at ease.  Yes, I know what I want.  Yes, I have people ask me out almost weekly.  No, I’m not sitting around waiting for you to change your mind.”

 

“You get asked out weekly?”  The question slipped out before I could think or stop it.  I could feel the blush starting on my neck.

 

“Yes.  Remember I told you it is a work hazard?  It has been this way since I opened the shop.  I have men and women ask me out.  I’ve never been so popular, but I think it is the coffee.”

 

“You drug it don’t you?”  I asked to tease her.

 

“Nope, I just put a spell on it while grinding the beans.”

 

“You keep your wand under the counter then?”

 

“Darn, you figured me out.”  We both paused looking at each other and then broke out into a fit of giggles.

 

Astrid’s laughter and happiness captivated me again.  I leaned my shoulder into the back of the couch and laid my head against the cushions.  I studied the light that shone in her eyes as the last of her giggles left her body.  She mirrored my pose and rubbed her thumb over my hand.  The smile didn’t leave her face as she continued to stare at me. 

 

“Seriously, thank you for being here for me, Astrid.”  I motioned toward my drink.  “Thank you for taking the time to make that happen.  I can’t thank you enough.”

 

“You don’t need to thank me at all, Rhiannon.”  She quickly untangled her hand and held it up to stop me from rebutting her statement.  “Listen, I know what I want.  I’m not stopping my life or putting anything on hold.  I’m doing exactly what I want to do right now.  Okay, so maybe not exactly what I want to do, but, well, you get the picture.”  She paused and I could almost see her trying to formulate her next words carefully, so I just remained silent.  “I want to be here for you, Rhiannon.  I want to be in your life and right now that is as a friend.  But it is still what I want to do.  No, I don’t accept dates from people that ask me out.  It isn’t because I’m not living my life.  It is because no one captures my interest.  If that changes, then we’ll talk.  Okay?”

 

“Ok.”  Her words kept running through my mind and I just know that I’m going to have to take her at her word and trust that she will live her life.

 

I spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the drink Astrid made for me and telling her about the low iodine diet and what would happen next.  We spent a lot of time talking about the diet and she asked a lot of questions.  It made me feel like she was really listening and interested in how hard eating would be for the next few weeks.  She asked even more questions about the shots and scans I’d go through.  She got really quiet when I explained about taking the radioactive iodine and the period of isolation afterward.  She finally started asked a few questions about preparing for isolation and if I was allowed visitors.  The rest of the time we talked about her parents and them leaving this week.  It was a great afternoon and I was sad when Brigit interrupted us to announce that it was almost closing time.  I couldn’t believe so much time had passed.

 

“Astrid, I’m sorry for staying so long.  I shouldn’t take you from your shop so much.”  I slipped my bag onto my back and picked up my empty drink cup to deposit on my way out.   

 

“Nonsense!”  She exclaimed as she stood with me.  “I really enjoyed this.  We haven’t talked for this long in a long time.  We were due.”  Her smile shone in her eyes and it put me at ease again.

 

“Well, I’ll let you get back to it and I need to head home.  Work will be here way too quick.” 

 

Astrid took my empty cup from me and turned to throw both of the containers in her recycle can before turning back to me.  I felt awkward for a moment.  I really wanted to gather Astrid into my arms and give her a huge hug, but my shyness stopped me.  Astrid took a few steps closer to me and seemed as unsure as me, which oddly made my shyness leave.  I closed the last few steps and engulfed her waist with my arms and she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and neck.  I couldn’t help, but take just a moment to try to memorize this feel, to memorize everything about Astrid.  I began to release her from the embrace much sooner than I really wanted, but felt that I had already overstepped the socially allowed time for a goodbye hug for a friend.  She seemed a little reluctant to end the hug as well, which made me feel better that I wasn’t the only one feeling this.  I mean, I know that we share the same feelings toward me, but actions always mean more to me than words.  If she can show me that she’s there, then that means more than her telling me she will be.  Hell, look at my chosen family.  The ones that I thought would be a huge support during my surgery, treatments, and recovery.  Besides a few texts here and there from a couple of people, no one has reached out.  I’ve asked Val a few times if she’s heard from anyone and she just changes the topic, so I know that she’s as mad at them as I am.  

 

Astrid then took my hand and led me toward the door.  We moved down the hall toward the main area of her shop and I was surprised to see that Brigit was training a new employee to close.  Astrid didn’t stop at the counter, but walked me toward the door out to the parking lot.  As I was walking by the counter, Brigit threw her hand up to wave bye and gave me a big wink.  I returned the wave and gave her a smirk.  The employee, an early twenties female that seemed very shocked to see her boss walking someone out for the evening.  I just laughed on the inside and could only imagine what Brigit would tell this woman once we were out of ear shot.  All too soon we reached the exit and Astrid gave me another quick hug.  After promising to contact her once I was home, I walked out into the cool night and headed to my truck. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Astrid**

 

I watched Rhiannon walk off the curb and toward her truck until I lost her in the small shadow part of the lot before the lights kicked in.  I sighed and closed my eyes.  Tonight was indescribable in so many ways.  After speaking with her on Saturday, I was uneasy about our first face-to-face meeting.  Most would never guess that Rhiannon is actually uneasy around other people, even when she knows you very well.  I had picked up on it about three or so months into our small chats when she’d stop by, but Val confirmed this one night when she was talking about Rhiannon and some of her quirks.  So, after our conversation, I knew she’d put off coming around until I either visited her or she was forced to come in. 

 

I had been upset with Rhiannon slightly when she showed up.  When I received the messages from Val, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was another thing she would keep from me, like she did her surgery.  I knew I shouldn’t jump to conclusions like that and that I needed to give her time.  I know that she is dealing with a lot and I need to give her as much lead-way as possible, but I’m only human.  I want to make sure that she doesn’t push me away or think that I don’t want to be a part of each step.  Okay, yes, I know that both of us want so much more than what either of us can give right now, but that doesn’t mean that I want to put distance between us either.  I was actually thankful for Val’s texts as well, because it gave me time to prepare for when Rhiannon showed up.

 

I began walking back to the counter and remembered that we were training a new employee how to close, so there wouldn’t be much for me or Brigit to do, except for the final cash counts.  I wandered over to the coffee canisters that we always set up after closing shop for the night to see if they were brewed.  I invested in some very expensive canisters that hold about two gallons of coffee each and will keep it warm for 12 hours.  I also set out a tip box that people can donate for a cup of coffee if they want, or they can take it if they don’t have cash.  However, it is a way to allow the night shift access to fresh, good coffee while the shop is closed.  Occasionally, I will sit out some flavored syrups as a treat, but also have the normal sugar, sweeteners, and creamers available.  Each container was filled to capacity, the cups were on the counter with a sign that more were under the cabinet if they ran out.  All the additives were ready and full.  After giving the station my seal of approval I turned to head toward my office, but almost ran straight into Brigit.

 

“You okay?”  She asked while acting like she was checking the station as I had just done.

 

“Yeah,” I paused to do an internal check of my emotional and mental state.  “Yeah, I think I am.”

 

“How’s she doing?”  We both gave up the act of being busy and leaned against the coffee station.  “She looked good today.”

 

“She seemed okay.  They are starting the next steps of her treatment plan, so she was filling me in.  I just wish I could do more.”

 

“Did she like her drink?”

 

“Yes!”  I chuckled.  “She gave it her seal of approval and is happy that she will not be without coffee while having to be on her special diet.”

 

“At least we know she will be a caffeinated when she’s grumpy from the restrictions.”  We both chuckled.  “Did she question you about Natasha?”

 

“A little.”  I looked at Brigit’s smug look and knew she had said something to Rhiannon about her.  “What did you tell her?”

 

“Who, me?”  She tried to feign innocence, but I knew better and said that all with the look on my face.  “Okay, okay.  I give.  I just told her it was a shame that the woman asks you out at least once a week, but you constantly turn her away.”

 

“So, she knew that Natasha wasn’t a threat prior to her questioning me?”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t say that Natasha isn’t a threat.”  I gave her a questioning look.  “I mean, Natasha is hot.  I think any woman would be jealous of her attention focused on you regardless of their own status with you.  If that makes sense.”

 

“Yeah.  I guess you are right.  Regardless, I told her that nothing would be happening with Natasha.”

 

We moved from the coffee station to the back counter.  Brigit paused to give further instructions to our new employee, whose name I cannot remember for the life of me.  I stared out to the tables and chairs and even down into the bright halls of the hospital that was quieting down for the night.  Instead of seeing anyone passing by, all I could see was Rhiannon smiling at me, flirting with me, opening up to me about things.  When she was holding back her tears today it made my own heart hurt for her.  I wanted to fight the world on her behalf, but knew I couldn’t do anything.  If I could I would wrap Rhiannon in a big force field to keep her protected from anyone and anything.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that she is strong and can take care of herself.  Hell, she proves that every day.  She’s spoken in general terms about her parents turning their backs on her, which left her with her adopted family and Val.  I just can’t understand how anyone could walk away from her.  She is such a kind soul and would do anything it took to help those close to her. 

 

“Hey,” Brigit startled me out of my thoughts.  “Why don’t you go head out for the night?”

 

“No, I can stay.”

 

“Astrid, your parents are here for only a couple more days.  Why don’t you leave tonight and take tomorrow off?  Then you can spend some time with them before they leave on Wednesday.”

 

“You make a great argument, but I can’t make you do everything.  It isn’t fair to you.”

 

“Astrid, I actually love it.  I love helping run this place.  It doesn’t even feel like work.”

 

“Oh, so I can just put you down as a volunteer then?”  I asked to tease her.

 

“No, I quite like the paycheck too.”  She laughed with me.  “But, I don’t mind covering for you sometimes.  It makes me feel like I’m advancing in my responsibilities.”

 

“You are!”  I reached out to put my arm around her shoulders.  “I don’t know what I would do without you, B.  Sometimes you are my sanity around here.”

 

“Thanks.”  She said it so quietly and looked at her feet.  It looks like I need to think about Brigit’s position on the staff and maybe start giving her more responsibility and taking a step back some.  It is something my parents had been hitting on heavily over the past few days. 

 

“Tell you what.  I will leave things with you tonight, let you run things tomorrow, and be in around lunch on Wednesday.  Think you can handle things until then?”

 

“Sure.  Not a problem.” 

 

“Okay.  If you need a break or something happens, please don’t hesitate to call me.  I’ll have my cell on day and night.”

 

She lurched forward and hugged me tight in her excitement.  I returned the embrace and turned to go gather my personal items and leave for the night.  It felt good to know that my shop was in capable hands and that I could step away to enjoy the last full day with my parents.

 

________________________________________

 

 

I made sure that I was extra quiet when coming in as I didn’t want to wake up my parents if they were already asleep.  I grabbed a water from the fridge and began toward the livingroom.  I entered the room and found the TV on low and my parents cuddled together on the couch, but still awake.  They both looked up as I entered and gave me matching smiles.  I walked over to them and sat down on both their laps.  Their laughter matched mine as everyone repositioned.  I love that I can be so silly with my parents without them thinking I am too old to curl up with them on the couch.  Yes, I’m in my thirties, but I’m very close with my parents.  Plus, I’m not able to take advantage of this very often, so I will while I’m able. 

 

“How was your night, sweetie?”  My mom asked as she pulled me back to rest against both of them.

 

“Sorry I wasn’t home earlier.  I know I told you I should be home for dinner.”

 

“We figured something came up and you’d get home when you were able.”  Mom replied.

 

“Yeah, I think we are able to cook and fend for ourselves by now.”  Dad teased with a wink while poking me in the side.

 

“Was everything okay with the shop?”  Mom inquired.

 

“Yes.”  I contemplated not telling them about Rhiannon stopping by, but I wasn’t one to keep the truth from my parents.  “Um, Rhiannon stopped by and we lost track of time.”

 

“Is she okay?”  Dad asked with great concern.

 

“Yeah.  Um, she found out today the time-line for the rest of her treatment.  She also had her last appointment with the surgeon, so she stopped by afterward to let me know about everything.”

 

“Oh, how’d the appointment go?”  Mom tried to reel in her concern, but I could tell it was there.

 

“She said the surgeon released her from his care.  So, I think that means it went well.  It was at least what she thought would happen since she hasn’t had any complications except for the calcium.  He told her that her regular physician that would finish the treatment could handle the calcium checks.”  I tried to keep everything simple.  Not that my parents were stupid or anything, but they weren’t used to all the medical terms and I was too tired to explain each term so they would know it for next time.

 

“Sounds great then.”  Mom commented.

 

“What comes next for her?”  Dad asked, squeezing me a little closer to them and leaning his head against mine in an effort to offer me support.  As much as my parents knew how I felt for Rhiannon, they also knew how hard this journey could be.  Well, they hadn’t been down it with friends, but they knew any fight with cancer took a toll on all parties involved.

 

“She has to follow a special diet for the next few weeks to limit her iodine intake, then they will give her shots, and do the radiation treatment.”  That was a weak explanation even to my ears.  “I know that was vague and I wish I could explain it more, but I’m too tired tonight.  I think I need to absorb it all myself first before trying to explain it to you.”

 

“I’m sure she will do great.”  Mom stated while leaning her head against my shoulder.

 

“Did you ask her about getting together for dinner?”  My dad asked while sitting up again.

 

“No, there was just too much other stuff to get through.  I’m sorry.”  I could tell he was a little disappointed for not learning more about Rhiannon.  “I’ll text her in a few and see if she can do dinner tomorrow evening.  She’ll be working tomorrow, but is usually free in the evenings.”

 

“We’ll cook.  She won’t have to do a thing except show up.” Dad could hardly contain his excitement at the possibility of dinner with Rhiannon. 

 

“I’ll let her know.”  I gently extracted myself from my parents and then turning to give both of them a hug and kiss good night.  “Okay, I’m heading to bed.  I have left the shop with Brigit until lunch on Wednesday.  So you both are stuck with me for the rest of your time here.”  Both my parents looked happy at the news and bid me good night.

 

I quickly made my way to my room and readied myself for bed.  Once my night routine was complete, I slipped under the covers and turned off my bedside light.  I wasn’t lying to my parents, I am so tired tonight.  It has been a very emotional day and that always seems to exhaust me more than a full day of running full-speed at the shop.  I picked up my phone to text Rhiannon and found that she had texted me.

 

Rhiannon:  _I made it home.  I just thought you might want to know.  * tongue sticking out emoji*_

Astrid:  _I’m glad you made it and yes, I always want to know.  I forgot to tell you tonight to text me._

 

Rhiannon:  _Are you still at the shop closing?_

Astrid:  _No, I’m at home and in bed.  *Sleeping emoji*_

 

Rhiannon:  _Oh, is this one of those texting sessions?  *Winking emoji* I learn more and more about you, Pip!_

 

Astrid:  _When it becomes a sexting session, you will know.  There won’t be any question.  *GIF of a female cartoon character walking seductively out of a room and she throws her bra back into the room*_

I waited a few minutes for a reply, but I never got one.  I became a little uneasy and thought that maybe I had pushed too much and the GIF was a little too much for the situation.  As much as I knew we couldn’t go any further, it was so hard not to answer her flirtations with some of my own. 

 

Astrid:  _You still with me?_

 

Rhiannon:  _Oh, I’m still here.  I was waiting to see if you were going to throw any more clothes at me tonight, or if that was it._

Astrid:  _I can’t give it all away tonight or the suspense would be over.  Maybe if you are good, I’ll throw another piece at you on another night. *Winking emoji*_

Rhiannon: _Tease!_

 

I waited for a moment and reread the string of texts.  Why did both of us fall into this line of teasing so easily?  I never started with the intent of turning flirtatious, but it seemed to escalate to that rather quickly. While I was contemplating how to move us from stripping and sexting to talking about dinner with my parents tomorrow, my phone beeped again.

 

Rhiannon:  _Did closing go okay tonight?_

Astrid:  _Yep.  Brigit was training the new chick._

 

Sheesh!  I still can’t remember the lady’s name.  I’ll have to go look at her employee file soon and hope that Brigit didn’t contact me about her before I figured out her name. 

 

Astrid:  _Actually, that is why I was texting you tonight._

 

Rhiannon:  _I don’t think I’d be any help with training your new employee. *Smiling emoji and a Winking emoji*_

 

Astrid:  _No, we don’t need your help training.  However, I do need your help entertaining my parents tomorrow evening.  If you are interested._

Rhiannon:  _I doubt your parents want my help with entertainment.  They’d much rather enjoy time with you._

 

Astrid:  _B is covering the shop for me until Wednesday so I can spend time with my parents.  Dad really wants to cook out tomorrow night, and mom suggested that you could join us if you were free._

 

Rhiannon:  _They want to have dinner with me?_

 

Astrid:  _Yes.  They’ve heard me talk a lot about you and Val over the past month or so and they wanted to get to know you more.  If Val was still here, she’d be invited too._

 

Rhiannon:  _As of right now, I can come. Do I need to bring anything?_

 

Astrid:  _Just yourself._

Rhiannon:  _I can bring my own dinner._

 

Astrid:  _Rhiannon, I would not have invited you for dinner if I couldn’t accommodate your restrictions.  Sheesh!  What kind of host do you think I am?_

Rhiannon:  _Okay.  I’ll be there.  When?_

Astrid:  _Just come over after work.  And before you worry, the dress code is casual.  I’ll probably be in jeans and a tee._

Rhiannon:  _I’ll let you know when I’m leaving work.  Speaking of work, my 4 AM alarm is going to suck in the morning.  Thank you for tonight, Pip.  Sweet Dreams. *Moon emoji with a sleeping emoji*_

Astrid:  _You too.  Night._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
